Maybe I made Grampy proud one last time
I always think of “Rolex doesn’t make a radio” when I do one of my round-trips to Orlando.
I have plenty of radio options — lots of “Bleep” by Ana Navarro this trip, as she did a two-part podcast series with Hunter Biden — but my thoughts are always louder.
Got to thinking how it’s been two years since I heard my Momma’s voice.
The lady I never went more than two hours without a text from, or a conversation with, silent.
I also realized how I am her now. And that’s good, because the world needs a her. Far more than it needs a fat fascist.
Took Momma for a drink at Delmonico on Saturday.
I’d had a gift card from her, so she was really the one who “took” me out.
Thanks for the filet, Momma. You’d have loved it. As ever, I loved the East Utica Greens most.
Had a revelation that night.
Stayed in a condo, which is a story in and of itself. And I felt like I should close all the interior doors to keep ghosts from passing through.
(Had to do that at my house on Portland Street near the Pittsburgh Zoo. A psychic came to my house and told me it was a portal.)
I thought back to the night before mom died.
She was convinced a man was in her room. I had said aloud that mom needed some privacy and they had to go.
I’ve written of this before. That I felt like the ghost suddenly recognized me. And hugged me tight. And the next day, Mom asked if her daddy had been there.
The realization I just had wasn’t just that he was thrilled to see me …
Or (another recent revelation I had) maybe he was thrilled to remember me, because he moved on 20 years ago this November …
But the night HE died, he was so mad at Mom and me for fighting in his hospital room.
He said we needed to take care of each other.
And I drove home. To D.C.
My revelation the other night was that maybe yes, he was happy to see me.
But maybe he was thrilled we listened to each other.
Mom and I did take care of each other.
And in her final hours, she wasn’t alone like he was.
I loved that man so much.
How funny to realize, 20 years after I lost him, I somehow still managed to make him proud.
Maybe the proudest he’d ever been of me. And he was ALWAYS proud of me.
You know, I’ve never understood how people can lose everyone they loved and remain standing.
I think if you were as loved as I was … and they made sure you loved yourself … you can do better than most.