‘Losing a whole year’

I’ve been describing yesterday as a “crankypants pulled on too tight, thus creating a muffin top” kind of day. And given the fact that I can’t relax enough to sleep, I’m going to operate under the assumption that the crankypants are pretty much soldered to my ass again today.

So I had the choice of either taking on four new projects and giving up my favorite project, or keeping the status quo. And genius here decided to give up the favorite in favor of four more. Because apparently my crow’s feet weren’t deepening quickly enough.

It all started a month ago with high hopes of hiring another person to help juggle the knives and broken glass. It wound down two weeks ago with, OK, we’re not getting a new hire but maybe I can borrow a really competent person until someone takes the stiletto off of our throats. Everybody wins.

Then I come to find out that well, it’s not going to be quite so easy or clean or tidy. So basically, what did I want to do?

So I suggested giving up all the pain-in-the-ass projects in favor of revolving my life around the one thing I love — the one thing that pains me every day of my life because I simply cannot give it the love it needs.

Well, that wasn’t an option so, in a not-small dose of “fuckitol,” I said I’d give it up to someone whom I thought would take good care of it.

I think overall the decision was rooted in logic, and I do believe it’s going to be in better hands. I mean, we’ve been meeting about it and what’s funny is how I’ve gotten my passion for it back. I’ve treated the project like silly putty — I simply deal with it to fill the holes and cracks between the other PITA projects … to the extent that it was kind of becoming a PITA itself because all my dreams for it were slowly shriveling up.

And maybe it’s the mood swings, but I’m actually really sad and probably, moreover, really surprised at how quickly the transition is happening. Don’t get me wrong — in a week and a half, the next wave of projects is about to crash over me and knock me out — so I won’t be feeling like Britney losing custody of Sean Preston and Jayden James for too long. In fact, I can still have a Britney-two-overnights-a-week custody arrangement with my beloved project, so I’ll become OK with that. (Does that make the new project lead K-Fed?)

Anyway, I guess I’ve been ambling along without any real drama these past few months, so I guess I was overdue to not only have the rug pulled out from under me, but to pull it out from under myself. But what we’re all hoping is that by offloading the stuff that wasn’t inspiring me, I can focus on being a more-prolific contributor. That is, less is more. Or something like that.

I just feel like I’ve lost something else that I cherish, only to replace it with something else that will drive me crazy. It’s like another part of my life: I’ve decided “Losing a Whole Year” fits wonderfully as my theme song. So here I am feeling like the last year of my life has been poured into things that either just aren’t that into me … or me into them.

I know my beloved project will fare better in more-focused hands at the helm. I guess I just wonder why I can’t ever part with the other shit (work or otherwise) that’s really weighing me down when getting rid of THAT is what might inspire me to dazzle in every area.

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