Livin’ on the edge

I’ve noticed at all my jobs that there’s a “buddy system” in effect everywhere. That is, everyone has one good friend whom they trust, and can confide in and basically stay out of trouble because they look like their heads are down and that they’re, if not happy, then at least not out to shake things up.

I tend to be different. I like to be friends with everyone. Of course, I don’t feel overly close to anyone anymore, although I do have a few standouts from every job. Yet, I feel like people see when I start to form friendships and make sure to let me know that they’re watching. Not an invisible threat but rather a reminder that surveillance cameras could capture any missteps. And nobody will define what a misstep means but you’ll know a landmine should you step on one.

With the broader group, I tend to prefer people knowing where I stand, and where they stand with me. Of course, I try to hide my perma-eyeroll status with some, and it delights the shit out of me when others come to the same conclusion about certain people but with no assistance from me.

Alas, our opinion doesn’t seem to matter. But a girl can dream.

The people who get ahead are the ones who isolate themselves, or allow themselves to be isolated. Their buddy, chosen very strategically or maybe that buddy chose them, probably has control of some purse strings or at least access to the ear of God. (Their god, clearly; not mine.)

I don’t know. I’ve never understood why I can’t just be myself and everything be fine. I mean, is my authentic self that bad? Why is there no place for it in this world?

As my circle expands, I discover that even spheres have edges. Why do I always feel like I have to hold back the bulk of my heart’s contents to keep myself out of trouble?

Anyway, I miss the buddy I did have for a brief time. We still talk all the time but not about the stuff I just don’t know what to do with. I miss all the buddies I adopted over the years … it just isn’t the same when we move on to different trenches, and that’s sad. But at least we were there when/where we needed each other.

I remember when the Veggie Patch had my balls in their hand for blogging about my misadventures there. How the HR director said she only tells her husband about her day and I said, well, what about those of us who don’t have that person? What if the only “person” we feel we can confide in is the Internet itself?

We all see how that ended up. 🙂 But squelching things over the years hasn’t done wonders for my physical or mental health, either.

I’ll always be true to myself, but I feel like I should show less and less of it. And really, what’s the point of a world without what I have to contribute to it?

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