Lies, damn lies and statistics

So as I was trolling the personals sites (I still haven’t answered my e-mails — I decided I didn’t feel like ponying up $100 today to be hooked into a six-month contract), I wondered why there’s no flaming disclaimer, in a freaking marquee, telling us to do a reality check before believing any of this shit.

I’m casting no stones without admitting that, hey, there’s a lot I ain’t willing to put out there, either. And I would be remiss if I didn’t say that I am among the many who fudges my responses somewhat. Besides, you’ll never see a photo of me from the neck down. I assure you of that!

For instance, I very happily check off “never” when they ask whether you smoke. I was taking a puff as I did it, too. Look, I’m sure I have enough other strikes against me — why provide the third one that will put me out of the game entirely? Besides, I don’t smoke when there are impressionable men to get close to. I’d much rather they smell the cologne that costs as much as a site membership!

A friend and I were kind of commiserating yesterday that you know you’ve been around the block when not only do you start to see the profiles of people you know on these sites, but also those of the people with whom you might have actually had a date or two!

It got me to thinking (because, let’s face it, what DOESN’T set off my existential angst?) about wow, here are all these good single people out there. Many of whom know each other. Many of whom wouldn’t think to maybe say, “Hey, let’s go out for calamari sometimes.” Because we’d MUCH rather go online and hope that some total stranger doesn’t reject us based on seeing a photo alone. INGENIOUS.

I had half a mind to call up some of these people and go hey, what’s wrong with me that I’m not worth at least a wink at? But then again, what would they do if I winked at them? Run screaming or decide that hey, the proverbial girl next door is worth that second look?

I also had half a mind to call up a few of them and say, “REALITY CHECK.” Do you all believe everything you write? I know I’m making up shit — are you aware that you may be doing the same?

This is why I dig the power of, although there should be a dating site that serves as its equivalent. At least you get testimonials on LinkedIn so that if you make claims about your abilities, someone can back them up.

Of course, I’ve met some real dumb shits in person and to read their testimonials, I wonder what the fuck their commenters were smoking when they said this person is bright and articulate.

So, maybe there never really is any truth in advertising.

Or maybe, just maybe, we should all make a pact to fact-check each other. And to make sure that all of our good points are put out there, too, because a lot of people aren’t aware of what really does make them special.

For instance, I cannot resist a man who opens my car door for me. In this day and age, we don’t unlock or open each other’s doors anymore. Someone pushes a button and you just get in. What I wouldn’t give to meet the guy who makes sure I’m secure and closes the door for me.

There was a time in my life when I would have railed against that. But the older I get, the more I appreciate — and expect — good, old-fashioned upbringings.

And sure, I don’t reach over to open someone’s door anymore if it’s already unlocked. But I used to. My family always told me that girls who do that are considered “keepers.”

Although, girls who give blow jobs daily aren’t even keepers, so go figure. (I believe the word is “givers.”) 😉

But maybe that’s the trap we’re all caught in. We’ll give till it hurts and get our hearts trampled like grapes in a barrel. So if/when things don’t work out, we can either berate ourselves for not showing our best manners or we can thank God that we didn’t waste any more effort on that loser/moron/cheapskate/etc. than we already did.

And then, you see them out there looking, too, and you wish them luck and hope they’re doing the same for you.

It’s a strange thing these days, dating. It used to be considered a small world when you’d see them with their new, hot (or not) girlfriend on the street. Now you can’t escape them because you’re all trolling the same damn sites.

And it’s weird to see when they’re not happy. You wonder whether they’re having a run of bad luck or whether they just can’t BE happy. And then you wonder the same about yourself, if we’re all just trying to show our best face but we’re all just as fucked-up as they come.

Maybe that’s the answer — a site where we put our neuroses out there and we can pick from the menu just what it is we’re willing to live with and/or what we can identify with. Let’s call it “Dealbreakers.” If you see the shit that you’d eventually leave somebody for, just check off their profile as “Never Show Me This Person (or someone with this issue) Again!” and you’ve narrowed the cesspool exponentially.

That said, anyone who is fine with someone who stress-smokes, lives at the drive-thru so much that she’s two Frosties away from sprouting red braided pigtails, works too much and whose idea of a stress-free day is NOT telling someone “eat me,” then leave me a comment. I’ll be sure to pass your number along to her. 😉

One Lonely Response to Lies, damn lies and statistics

  1. Sabre :

    So much to say, so little room to say it in… but then, I guess you already knew that 😉