It’s only daddy issues if you acknowledge it’s daddy who has issues
I said give me Strength, and the tarot deck did just that for my daily pull.
This was after two very stressful spreads.
Three years ago, Mom was convinced I’d end up on my paternal grandmother’s doorstep.
I’d said I’ve been disappointed enough by that side of the family. Why give them another chance to hurt me.
Well now, as I’m an orphan and I happen to have some business in Kay’s neighborhood, I figured let’s see what tarot has to say about it.
I asked two different decks:
* How would I feel if I reached out to Kay?
* How would she receive it?
* What would a possible visit have me feeling like?
One deck was depressing. The other was downright ominous.
Now, I’m not saying that the cards told me not to reach out.
I would just need to go in with a mission — i.e., get my health history — and be absolutely fine if she didn’t respond or if she got downright hostile.
The story goes back to 1973 when I was conceived. I believe my grandparents slapped my bio dad with statutory rape charges, as Mom was literally turning 16 as I was conceived.
They got a few dollars a week for me for 18 years out of all this.
I was told that Kay and her daughter Kathy showed up the day I was born. To look through the nursery glass and see if I looked like Tom.
I guess I did. That was the last anyone saw of them till I was 18.
I’ve written at length about meeting him at court, going to dinner, talking for a good year, and then him agreeing to — and then backing out of — helping me move two heavy items to my dorm.
Two items to revisit for this conversation:
* He said my family kept him from me and probably poisoned him against me.
* He said what’s the point of being in my life after 18 years of not being in it.
In case no one has realized, I’ve held this grudge for fucking 35 years.
So what do I want of Kay? Like I said, health history. I have read her FB enough to know she’s a cancer survivor. Which means I have it on both sides of the family.
To be clear, my family never said jack about these people. They wanted me to organically figure out my feelings. Which … pretty easy when your dad tells you to fuck off.
I had no intent to come at her in anger. Just … I see you posting about your grandkids with all this love. Wondered if you’d be open to filling me in on some things.
But I wonder if it’s all lip service. Grandma of the year over there.
Plus, I remember telling mom three years ago, I am already responsible for you. (Lovingly, I hope it came out, but I know me.) I am not taking his deadbeat ass on if he needs money or a caregiver or some shit.
Like my friend CG always says, don’t push on a door that isn’t opening.
I thought of how Jimmy had to let me down one last time.
Do I need Tom & his brood to do the same before I learn this lesson?
Like I told Claude, who reasoned all this out with me when I got the Emperor card around Kay and the Devil card around a meeting …
I don’t need to come home with more baggage than I’m already bringing from the storage unit.
My family loved me well. I showed interest in the others. They did not show it back.
I’m on limited time, anyway. Would rather see people who actually liked or loved me at some point … and there’s a couple who still do.
This isn’t daddy issues. This is grandma issues. My grandma was the absolute best.
This one will never measure up. I know this without even meeting her.
And something (the tarot) tells me I’ll have an even lower opinion if I did.
Funny that this Devil card has the “I never should have danced with the devil at 19” lyric. The last time i spoke to Kay’s son, I was 19.
