‘It seems as if time stops here on the delta’
I find that when I have a lot to say and no other way of expressing it, I post a lot of music. Forgive me — it’s better than listening to my whining. It’s for your own good! 🙂
“And the river seems dreamlike
In the daytime
And someone keeps thinking
In my sleepOf fast
Running rivers
Of choice and chance
And time stops here
And it seems as if time
Stops here on the delta
While they dance
While they dance …”— “Delta,” Crosby, Stills & Nash
I wasted the evening in a neighboring beach town because I didn’t feel like coming home. I never come straight home anymore. I usually go park my butt on the sand, or else I hoof around in the shallow end of the ocean for a while to get some exercise.
I seriously have a bad case of flat white-girl booty so I’m trying to replace the fat with muscle there. So far I keep replacing the fat WITH fat, but leave me alone in my illusion, mmmkay?
I hear that there’s an intimate gathering of my old Ranch peeps tonight as they prepare to unleash another brilliant mind into the wild unknown. I seriously, seriously would have booked a plane ticket, had I known in advance.
It would have surely beat the alternative, which I can only describe as so much ear-fucking, a girl needs a morning-after pill to rid herself of the parasite. (Not from any of MY people, of course. And not even the OEH. It’s a long story. But then again, aren’t they all?)
Anyway, I spent time in the next beach town over, and I just dragged myself home to find the OEH is not home. Sweet! She usually has the sixth sense that I’m home and manages to arrive within 30 seconds of me, so I won’t get too happy. But I am no dummy and know to count my blessings as I get them.
I was marveling with a friend today that the improved financial situation on my part means I can actually go to the store! When I need something! And buy it! I’m not doing anything wild here, just actually getting shit I’ve been saving up for, for years … without saving up!
I mean, to think that I could actually have booked a plane ticket and rented a car without batting (too much) of an eye? I’ve NEVER had that feeling before. (Of course, I’d have had to sweet-talk Goddess Sabre into letting me crash on her comfy blue microfiber couch; I’m not rich, bitches!)
I’m also spending inordinate amounts of time at the mall, trying to find clothes that fit. Which is weird and hard but terribly exciting for me, as I am trying things on with shape! and color! and not in the biggest size I can find!
I’ve never been one to spend much money on clothing so I’m just picking up the basics on sale till I hit my dream size, whatever that is and WHENEVER it happens. I’m not rushing it anymore, although I should since I’m not getting any younger.
But meh, time is different in Florida. In D.C., life was just rush-rush-rush — it was all about getting from point A to B to C without getting killed on the highways in between. Here, not so much. Beach time is mandatory. Spending time indoors seems wasteful when that giant orb! In the sky! That I’ve never seen before! is shining.
Nature beckons, you know? It begs you to admire it. It looks different every day, if you observe it often enough. I take the same photos every time I go to the beach and they all look different to me. I don’t want to miss out on life anymore.
I don’t have any real regrets (except giving up my beloved apartment in D.C. to get a 2BR in the ‘burbs so I could house the Over-Extended Houseguest. I didn’t resent it at the time because it’s what I HAD to do. I resent it now because I truly thought it wouldn’t turn out this way). But they’ve all led me here.
Starting a new job makes you come to terms with your old ones. I don’t have much to say about the last one other than that I loved it but it was also time to go. Recently, I typed with another friend who escaped before me, and we marvel at how we have LIVES now. Which we couldn’t back then. And now we appreciate our wings more than anyone else we know.
I was specifically thinking about two jobs ago, the Veggie Patch. How every new idea had to be protected with a bulletproof vest, because it wouldn’t live through people shooting it down. Categorical refusal of anything innovative. Cripes. And yet, that place refuses to fall. I wish they could see me now, in Idea Land. After the 6 billion ideas I gave them on my embarrassing salary, the universe is paying me back in full and then some. *thbbbppptttt*
And that’s how I look at it. Sweat equity in one place is what gets you ahead in another place. All those years of shitty jobs and shitty friends simply prepare you for bigger and better opportunities and individuals.
Don’t get me wrong — I’ve had great folks enter my life along the way and I’ll cherish them forever. But for all those years of having to deal with this or that dumbfuck, I’ve been handed five magnificent others to balance out each one who did me wrong.
So, even though I’m not nice to the OEH (but not mean enough to change the locks right now. Which I’ve thought about. Hard), I figure that my sweat (or tears in this scenario) will garner me someone to live with whom I love and can’t wait to see when I come home.
It seems far away from now, since I clearly have to resolve THIS shit first. But the universe has given me more miracles than I ever dreamed possible. And I get a feeling that the good times haven’t truly even BEGUN to roll just yet. …