‘I’m Willing to Tell the Truth’
“I fell for a dream; it was not what it seemed
By the time I woke up I had lost everything
Thought I’d die without you but I came to life without youYeah cause God has a way of working things out
If not for the music where would I be now
I’m gonna write about you
You bet I’m gonna write about youDespite the obvious mistake
Thanks to you, I’ve got so much to say.”— Connie Britton, “The Best Songs Come from Broken Hearts”
If I have ever struck you as the type of girl who gets overly nuts over a guy and can’t function because of his stupid shit, let me assure you that they know where the door is. And only on rare occasion have I been stupid enough to block it.
Yet one came to mind today as I had a mild anxiety attack about something else. And I remembered just not being able to breathe when it came to this situation.
I tend to pity girls who think every guy is going to hurt them because the last one was such a royal shit. After all, you can live without relationships. Jobs are another matter. Save your tears for lost income when those things don’t work out. Trust me on this.
Alas, every once in a while, a situation gets so far under my skin that the only thing you can do is scratch till it bleeds.
That’s the thing about an itch. You can scratch it and feel like you’re able to DO something.
But when you’ve raked your fingernails over it enough times and the patch of skin is destroyed, some of us find that’s our only freedom. When it’s out of our hands and we have to let it go because touching it is only going to send us through the roof.
I’m usually an “out of your hands” girl. It’s in God’s, I say. You want to cheat? Me being more of one quality or less of another quality isn’t going to change that. You’re bored? Guess what, if you asked, I’d probably say “Me too!” and mean it. You’re overwhelmed because I was a little drunk one night and looked at you a certain way? Trust me, I would have stabbed myself had I known I was going to feel something for three seconds out of my life and have you witness it.
(Oh, the stories behind each example here …)
And I will admit to having High Anxiety about Something in the not-too-distant past.
Because, there’s always something I think I should be doing more or less of. Even when there isn’t. Even when my heart may have taken a hike anyway. I found myself worrying about my World Crashing Down and not doing a damn thing to save myself from the wreckage.
And it occurred to me, as it does during these infrequent but memorable episodes, if you are SO worried about something terrible happening … if you haven’t protected yourself enough that you can’t recover from the (probably meager) amount of faith you’ve put into someone … what the hell are you doing there, sister?
I like to figure I’m kind, I’m generous, I’m loyal and I’m “all in” when I’m in. But just once, I really want to see the same and not question it from now till Doomsday.
They say relationships don’t work out for three reasons: kids, money or trust issues. And someone recently said to me that “we” (I’m thinking that means “I”) must work on my trust issues. But then Shit Happens that proves me right.
I’m not one of those girls who always has to be right, you know. Given how much thinking I do and how much pain is behind every decision and action, I’d give anything to be proven wrong.
Anything.
So what was the outcome, you ask?
There will be a book about it. One day. I can promise you that. …