‘If you ask me, I will say I’m fine. All pink like birthday girls and valentines’

I was sitting in the sun when my boy saw me and joined me.

We talked about politics and work and the economy. He told me about all the fun things going on in our county this weekend. Like he always did, really. The man was like dating the Pulse section of the Palm Beach Post. He knows everything.

Not that it benefited me much. Good luck getting him to agree to do any of what he mentioned, let alone actually keep the plans.

We talked haunted houses. Which, by the way, I would kill to go to a good one. He said, “We should go!” And the part of me that used to die inside, knowing that it would never materialize, felt nothing.

But the part of me that pretended to look through him as he said it longed for a “him” — someone who looks, talks, thinks and, for the most part, acts like him. Just, instead, a version that loves me.

The thing is, he does the best by me that he is capable of doing. I’m not saying that to excuse any of his words or behavior that has reduced me to tears and depression and chronic confusion. I’m saying that, of the emotional resources he decides to allot to me, he gives me all he has available.

At this point, I can only hold him to the standard he is willing to meet. And he could have done a lot worse by me.

It’s just that there’s so much I don’t understand and I’m tired of being the poised, classy Obama when I really want to pull a Romney (no, not turning into a sociopath) — I want to yell at him (theoretically) about his war on women and the 47% and Big Bird instead of being calm, slightly detached and on-message.

My hope is someday we CAN go to a haunted house or one of the other million events down here since, you know, it’s gorgeous every day of the year. It sucks knowing you have a friend nearby who is happy running into you and spending time with you, just as long as it’s not a pre-arranged outing.

In other news, I met a nice guy last night. An English teacher. Having mutual friends is the best. 🙂 I don’t see it going anywhere but it was so nice to spend a Friday evening with friends at a birthday party and to get a nice surprise of my own.

The world is bigger than we give it credit for, sometimes.

Thank you, God, for that.

“I find some sanity on the written page
Where life is worth more than a living wage
They say the battle’s over now it’s time to change
And I won’t ever be alone

And all I want is company
Someone to understand this misery
Send a reflection of myself to me
‘Cause everybody needs some company
I need some company

— Melissa Etheridge, “Company”

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