‘I remember when 30 was old’

Hour eight of my captivity commences, although I’m tired and haven’t achieved enough to REFLECT eight hours’ worth of work. Which means another good four hours to go. Woo. My productivity is shot, people.

My emotions are pretty overwrought, too. It’s because we’re late with one of our monthly products. I swear to God, we missed producing it one month, and my cycle skipped that month. I shit you not. Now it’s a week late, and I’m a week late. The thing comes out a few days early, and I’m early. I give up. I hate the Pill with a passion but at this point, I’m ready to go back on it just to get my fucking cycle in some sort of order again. *bonk*

So, since I’m overemotional and incoherent and just plain fatigued, deal with it. Or move on to another one of the fine blogs listed in the blogroll that I haven’t updated since Jesus was a wee lad.

In any event, I read on a dear friend’s blog today how much he wants to get married, and how he knows EXACTLY WHO he wants that to be. And I can’t tell you how much I admire that certainty. I’m so used to acting (and, in most cases, BEING) fairly disinterested in the “happily ever after.” You don’t want to put your eggs in the proverbial basket only for them to be stomped on. So you just don’t care. It’s not worth it. The less faith you have, the better. Right?

I was talking to one of my buddies the other day, who says he has minimal expectations of the women he dates so that he can be pleasantly surprised if they either don’t piss him off or they actually do something memorable. And I was sort of riled up by that — I said I want to set my expectations high and have them be met. That’s my “low bar,” so to speak. I’m happy to bandage the boo-boo if they hit their head on the bar — it means they’ve risen enough to the occasion to be worthy of it.

I don’t mean to say I’ve been scraping the bottom of the barrel. Far from it. I’m out there trying to find the best. But it’s hard. When I think about it — and I try not to think about it — I can name one person with whom there was an instant connection. And it’s hard to recreate it elsewhere, but it’s worth trying for. It’s good when you have a comparison point, that you know what it feels like to feel good.

“I was caught somewhere between a woman and a child
When one restless summer we found love growing wild
On the banks of the river on a well-beaten path
Funny how those memories they last.”

— Deana Carter, “Strawberry Wine”

But it seems like you have to work at it a lot harder with some than others. Again, no big, as long as everyone’s on board for the time investment. Yet when you’re wondering whether everyone’s on board — yourself included — it’s easy to go, enh. Fuck it. Maybe it will be easier next time. If it’s too hard, then it’s not the “right” thing, right?

It’s weird how I find myself feeling close to people on different levels. Some, it’s the emotional level that clicks. Others, it’s the physical closeness that generates more of an intellectual connection. I don’t rule out anything based on the order in which it happens — I just expect that at some point, it’s all got to fall into place together instead of in succession or in an alternating fashion.

So in seeing how emphatic my friend was that this was the girl, and this is how he wants it to go, I was crying happy tears for him because of course I want him to be happy. But I was also encouraged because I don’t know that anyone’s ever felt that way about me (at least, that I knew about) and I hope that maybe I can come to feel that way about someone someday. Or, maybe to feel it “again” if I already felt it, but if I have to question it, then maybe I didn’t.

“There’s nothing time hasn’t touched
Is it really him or the loss of my innocence
I’ve been missing so much?”

I think one of my biggest fears in life is that someone else will end up with my soulmate. And I often wonder whether said soulmate is out there in the world (whoever it may be), wondering where I am and whether the future will unfold the way he (she? I’m flexible these days!) hopes it will.

I guess I just don’t know what to hope for right now. So I just hope for the wait to be worth it. That’s all a girl can ask for.

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