I don’t like Mondays birthdays

32. Shit.

Other than having a birthday bagel waiting for me at work, I don’t see any reason that the day won’t fade in and out like all the others. Which is OK, I guess. I’ve pretty much isolated myself from the world so much that most people forget I’m still in it. And maybe I’d be remiss if I didn’t admit to enjoying the silence more often than not.

My birthday wish, even though there are no candles to blow out, is for a day when I actually look forward to waking up — whether on my birthday or not — and awaiting the sunshine the day should hold. Sometimes I feel guilty at the mere glimpse of sun and warmth that I can catch in a morning — like it wasn’t meant for me. So, when a day comes that should be *mine,* I don’t do much but wait for it to end so that I’m not feeling guilty because it’s unremarkable. Beats feeling guilty that I somehow expect something magical to occur when I know full well that ain’t happening.

Just do me a favor and don’t ask me if I’m having a good day or if I did anything special to celebrate. It doesn’t matter. All it does is make conversation uncomfortable for you when I say no. All it does is remind me that there’s some sort of expectation that I can’t live up to, that I’m not as special as I’d been taught to believe.

I’m not depressed. Not even disillusioned. Just in a lather-rinse-repeat cycle. And while it’s definitely better than a constant spin cycle, I just feel washed out. I just hope feeling washed up stays at bay for a long while longer, because while I’m accustomed to feeling a bit blue on a day like today, I need to figure out how to celebrate it myself — rather, celebrate myself.

I do have two rituals that I uphold, though. One is to buy myself something special, that I can say I bought for X birthday. I don’t know what that is yet this year — maybe I’ll blow off paying a bill (I know, shocker! LOL) and go find it, whatever it is. I’d just be happy if I could locate the emerald ring set in white gold that I bought on my 29th birthday or if I could fit my pudgy pork roast ass into the semi-formal dress I bought on my 30th. I forget what I did last year. All these damn days run together anymore.

The second ritual is that I play a particular song when I wake up on this day every year, about which I have waxed poetic before. And of course, I’m streaming it today:


14 Responses to I don’t like Mondays birthdays

  1. Tiff :

    Happy Birthday just the same, my dear. Let’s go have dinner sometime when I am done funding this wedding craziness. 🙂

  2. Silver Blue :

    Congrats and Happy Happy Birthday! The best is yet to come — trust me on this one …. from someone who looks back fondly on 32. Some of the time after that was shit, but 32 was good. 🙂

  3. trouble :

    Happy birthday! You’re still such a baby. The thirties can be awesome, but truthfully, the 40s are even better. 😉

  4. trouble :

    p.s. 39 was my best, sexiest year of my 30s. It only gets better, babe. My life has not turned out how I thought it would, but…it is still beautiful, and there is still happiness to be found.

    There is so much beauty inside of you, Dawn. I hope you see it, if not today, than someday.

  5. trouble :

    p.s. This song is WAY.TOO.DAMN.SAD.

    Come over. I posted a birthday song for you. 😉

  6. Neil Morse :

    Happy birthday, my dear! *mwah* *mwah* *mwah*

    I know what you mean about birthdays. I’m sure I posted the same damn thing on my birthday, but I’d be too depressed if I look it up so I won’t verify. Celebrate the unbirthdays (TM Lewis Carroll) instead, because you have so very many more of them!

  7. Mel :

    Oh come on Dawn, I am still looking forward to surviving ’till 32. Think of it this way – in earlier days your were only expected to have the life span of 30. You are beating the odds. Something good will happen today b/c you are not expecting it. Happy Birthday.

  8. Erica :

    Happy Birthday, Dawn! *spanks you*

  9. Sabre :


    Count me in!

    Many happy returns my wonderous friend 🙂

  10. nic :

    Hmm, yeah, I read this and wondered if it was still appropriate to say Happy Birthday, but I’ll go out on the limb and do it anyway.

    Can I buy you a beer? A cake? A cake made with beer?

  11. Lachlan :

    Welcome to the 32 club, doll. I celebrated the same way.

    *hugs* Bayou and I send our b-day spanks and love!

  12. The Goddess :

    Awww, I feel loved. 😉 The world’s most useless birthday ever was interrupted by a flower delivery, which blew me the hell away. Who knew I actually mentioned my company name to someone at some point?

  13. Old Freind :

    Happy Birthday my fellow Geminian….Hey it could be worse you could be me I’ll be 38 FREAKING YEARS OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaa thats only 2 years from 40……………
    Oh well, I will return you to your regularly scheduled rant……..

  14. trouble :

    40 rocks. You don’t believe me now, but you will see.