Half a Hundred

I don’t think about Toad much anymore.

But then with me turning half a hundred yesterday, I remembered turning 49 … wondering where the fuck my bf was.

He surfaced a couple days later. Not even …

“With a half-ass, “Sorry, how you been?”

Why do you do it?

Do you, just hate losin’?

Here you come again

Who could it be

It’s 3 a.m., no caller ID.”

He never was one for lying. He had been pulling double shifts at the police station for months and worrying about his dad.

And even though he was OFF FOR MY BIRTHDAY, he was out having margaritas by himself at his favorite Mexican places.

Megan Moroney is in heavy rotation here now.

Odds of him cheating, honestly, were slim. He wasn’t a great man. His winning attribute really was the fact that he preferred being alone. So, I finally let him.

In hindsight, I know the full sentence is “alone to drink.” But maybe he’s gotten better since work eased up and his dad isn’t suffering anymore.

Anyway, that’s how I rung in 49.

With expectations low, I asked the cards literally what was in them for half a hundred.

It’s … not bad.

The Emperor and I don’t have a lot of love between us. I’ve never connected with the number 4. Nor do I have much use for the ultimate patriarchal card. Even though this one is hella cute.

That said, he does represent structures. Ones I would like to burn down.

But, hey, I get it. If I want to succeed in a career, I’m no Taylor Swift. I don’t get to break the rules and write my own.

The Lenormand pull was a fascinating one: The Moon and Stars.

I showed it to Mom and she said that’s my wish for you — the moon and stars. The cards know.

I haven’t used my Pixie deck in a while. But I just charged a bunch of decks under this week’s full moon. And a couple salient points came back to me.

The Moon in Lenormand isn’t as sketchy as in tarot. It means a long-awaited wish coming true. Could be a promotion at work. Or could be a love interest/partner appearing from the shadows.

GURL. Give me the promotion ANY day of the week.

I figure I may only have 15 or 20 good years left. Maybe 25 if I beat my ancestral odds. Hook me UP with some money so I can enjoy a few of them, hey?

I don’t really know much about the Star in Lenormand anymore. If memory serves, it means not to push things. Just hang out and keep grinding. No rash decisions or moves.

Let the game come to you, if one were to quote a recently disgraced member of the fin pub community. One I could have told you 15 years ago was going to be problematic.

In any event.

This wasn’t a bad little birthday. Didn’t do anything but drink a $50 bottle of Cabernet and eat icing all day. Oh and I streamed Taylor Swift’s last Lisbon show and sobbed as “Long Live” was mashed up with “YOYOK” during the surprise set.


Publix cakes are ass and the only thing they get right is the flavor of the icing. Even if the decoration was not QUITE what I ordered.

Asking a dopey white man to give me “Taylor Swift / Lover album cover vibes but with a Speak Now lyric in purple” was always going to be a risk. But, it was good enough.

I may still set fire to the company that my friend paid big money to, to deliver a surprise gift by 3 p.m. that, a day later, I still don’t have. Fuck, I called the company myself and said refund her NOW.

So my friend ordered something else … at 10 p.m. … and that delivery guy got lost in my compound. I would say hilarity ensued but I was so frustrated and so hungry and the guy brought beer and left the price tag on the flowers.

My conclusion was that I just need to NOT “Speak Now.” And that’s the concept I need to apply to everything apparently.

Get back in the kitchen like No. 7 in Kansas City wants all us women to do. I mean, sure we can get mad at him (and we should), but face it. He’s just saying the quiet part out loud that all the Emperor figures in our lives want us to do.


I pick my cubby bear Cocoa every time.

This was from 2020 when we celebrated my birthday together for the first time.

I miss that baby so much.

OTD 2021.

I asked Mom to blow out my candle with me. Her wish was that we get more good days together.

Bella’s wish was to get the prettiest rose on the cake. Which she enjoyed thoroughly.

Anyway I got my wish. That’s all that matters. I will keep it to myself, though.

It’s funny. I used to be so busy or, at least, doing my best to look busy on past birthdays. This year, my bragging right is that I didn’t do much of anything. In fact, it was even more chaotic than I wanted.

But, hey, we made it to the other side. And that is really the best part.

My do-over for my birthday. A yummy peanut butter pie.

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