Giving in


Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I know it’s impossible to tell from this blog, but emotions bore me. Not mine, of course. 😉 Just everyone else’s.

Most of my friends can tell you stories of how I head for the hills when things get too intense. I don’t know what it is about me — whether it’s that I’m a Gemini, or also that being a heartless bitch goes with having my real name, as I know another person with my name who also hates drama and being touched by strange people (unless I WANT them to. heh) and all that jazz — but maybe I fear emotion because I just don’t know how to deal with it other than to avoid it altogether or else get consumed by it.

Goddess haz a sad these days. I was fine with the recent state of affairs (think, “the more things change, the more they stay the same”). But then yesterday, I saw my friends Tweeting that they’d arrived at their vacation destination. (A place that I have been DYING to go to, and I had fully planned on being on this trip.) I also saw it was other friends’ wedding anniversary — and, having known them as a couple since, oh, their first date, it’s as much an occasion for me because my friends are my family.

So, yeah, I was pretty freaking bummed out yesterday.

I mean, I can live with my self-exile to Siberia. But I guess the feeling — true or not — that not much other than the weather had changed REALLY snuck up on me.

And even as I enjoyed a rare night off and spent it with a glorious gaggle of new friends, well, what I wouldn’t have traded to be with my old ones right then. But don’t get me wrong — I have fallen into a REALLY terrific group down here. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that there are GREAT people in Florida, and they’re all transplanted from Manhattan. 😉 I guess I was just tired and incredibly bitchy and doing everything in my power not to break down into exhausted tears.

Which I did on the drive home, of course. As I parted ways on the highway with a friend who’s going back home — a friend who was part of my old world AND my new one — I just gave in to the stress and let the tears flow.

I’ll be back to my hardass bitchy self soon enough. But right now, I just want to fade away for a bit and not have a spotlight shone on my own inability to deal with shit right now.

And here’s to hoping that Sabre and I can make our extended weekend in Seattle actually happen as planned. (Lachlan and Bayou, care for a houseguest?) 😉

In the meantime, you know where this is going …

“Do you dream
That the world will know your name
So tell me your name
Do you care
About all the little things
Or anything at all?

I wanna feel
All the chemicals inside
I wanna feel
I wanna sunburn
Just to know that I’m alive
To know I’m alive

Don’t tell me if I’m dying, cause I don’t wanna know
If I can’t see the sun, maybe I should go
Don’t wake me cause I’m dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon.”

— Thriving Ivory, “Angels on the Moon”

3 Responses to Giving in

  1. Sabre :

    I have that song on a permanent loop in my head. For a great many reasons.

  2. Lachlan :

    When?!! When when when?! 😀

    Tweet or text me with the deets, lady!

  3. Caterwauling :

    […] So I’ve been thinking it’s time I came to terms with the fact that my latest bad mood isn’t going to go away on its own. Further, if I were to be really honest about it, it’s pretty much the extended dance remix of an unresolved sadness I encountered about a month ago. […]