Fat girl fright

Fell asleep at 10 p.m. after an exhausting day. Awakened at midnight courtesy of Islamic Caitlyn Jenner. It’s 2 a.m. now and I’m still wide-eyed. Because he’s moving furniture and slamming doors now. 

I find myself wishing I had something fun to snack on. But I can’t snack without destroying the whole bag or pint or box. So I gave up snacks that aren’t fruit or veggies. 

Understand, I’ve gone about 90% vegetarian and there is no sugar to be found in my world. 

Except wine. Which I drank to fall asleep and hahaha, thanks Islamic asshole upstairs. 

Am fat girl. Am fat girl who has recently (and for the 100th time) parted with some pounds. And I don’t want to see them again

Am also fat girl with zero sense of control. There’s a reason why there’s no food in this house. It would all be in mah belleh. 

Mom was very hurt that I refused to buy anything sweet for my birfday. She loves sweets. She also is in pain and can’t get around too well. So it’s been a big deal to me because she’s had to eat well all week. Not that it’s cured her to go without it.  

Of course, she didn’t eat much. She didn’t want it. Meanwhile I hoovered all the vegetarian stuff she cooked or that I brought home.  

She asked every day for a sweet treat. I refused. Every time. Proud of myself for not enabling either of us. 

She will get her favorite BBQ this weekend. And I will have to starve or succumb and undo all my hard work this week. I’m happy she will be happy. But I am not pleased I have to put myself in a situation with limited choices. 

But I have no choice but to keep at it. The alternative is far worse. 

My lifestyle changes mean I feel great — better than ever — other than stress and sleep deprivation. I concentrate better. I move more. I just like being alive because I feel more alive. 

But that’s the thing. I can’t control people. I can only control my eating. And no one is more shocked that the recent stress pile hadn’t turned into snacking. 

And I can only control my intake  when I’m not faced with a challenge I’m not equipped to win. I get enough of those all week that aren’t food-related. 

And it makes me crazy that one small dose of sugar has the potential to reverse all my progress. 

It’s not just one bite or serving. It’s the “fuck this is good. MOAR EVERYTHING” beast I’m so terrified of unleashing. 

Since that’s been my only experience. And that bitch is hangry. 

Will I ever be able to sate her with something other than food? And when will something sweet happen that can serve as a suitable surrogate?

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