Every day is a ‘whining’ road

I’m so freaking bored. I mean, I have no reason to be — my to-do list will totally kick your to-do list’s ass. 😉 But I can’t get no (intellectual) satisfaction these days. Of course, I’m glad to take satisfaction in any way I can get it!

Actually, that’s not true. I feel like the universe is dangling a very juicy carrot in front of me. I see it. I want it. I’m salivating over it. But I’m not scampering after it. I’m dubious. Is it real? Ahem — is it for real this time? I know I don’t deserve it. I know there are some things I have to resolve before I can get my reward. I am ready to take the steps that will get me to my reward. I just wish I could step over my problems in the interim and not have to face them square-on.

I think I’m dealing with cognitive dissonance with some recent life changes. I had one of those revelations this morning as I seem to be finding I have a real bitchy streak. It’s only aimed at one or two targets, though — and not even obvious ones.

Not that I’m all sweetness and light otherwise — oh lord no — but man, the bitch filter has been off and even I’m surprised by the foaming rabies behind my bark.

Someone asked me recently if I’ve ever really grieved losing my grandfather. That answer is an easy no. He was here, now he’s gone, it’s back to business for me and OH HAI shotgun-wedding simulation; you didn’t think the hard part was over, did you?

Anyway, I find that as the days grow longer and my exposure to light a little more frequent, I’m more-inclined to want to go out and BE in that sunshine. I had one of those career epiphanies yesterday in which I was told I was getting Big Humongous Project by someone, well, not qualified to tell me that. (It beats the others who do not know/care/impact what I do and assign me deadlines in their imaginations and then stalk me when I “miss” them.)

But I was this person’s first choice, which was sort of cool and an honor, even though I don’t have the time/mental acuity to see the project through to completion. (And I don’t have to, which is a mixed blessing, oddly enough.) But I conveyed to the big boys that if I could do that project and this other project (which is also MASSIVE. And also very NEGLECTED) exclusively, I’d totally have my dream job. More or less, anyway.

As I enter into my *~*gulp*~* 34th year this weekend, I am doing way too much thinking. Which is par for the course for me when it comes to birthdays in general but especially now as I had put the charm on this year as my “BEST YEAR EVER.” Because I won’t accept otherwise. And it’s hard to believe that all the bullshit that’s trailing me into this glorious era is either going to be solved or at least WAY less-overwhelming at this time next year.

Great, NOW I have to deal with the fact that I’m going to be 35. AWESOME — if THAT doesn’t contribute to my current identity crisis, I’m not sure WHAT will!

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