Cannot ‘can’ right now. Leave a message

Not that I check messages. But, you know, that’s kinda the point.

I went from having a great week to a tremendously stressful week to, next week, Mercury Retrograde.

(Envision yams coming out of a can like springy snakes.)

I also started watching what I eat again last week. Five years ago this Tuesday, my life was so out-of-control that I started doing the same thing — and I found incredible discipline and even joy in taking control of JUST ONE aspect of my life.

I was 34 and didn’t want to be fat at 35. And now I’m 39 and not particularly fond of being pudgy at 40.

I hate it that it’s five years later and nothing has changed but the state I live in. The state of mind, however uncomfortable it is most of the time, remains home sweet home.

With my last post, I have thousands of words and emotions I want to share about it. But the bottom line is that you either live with what’s unfair or change it. There is something in me that cannot look past the way things are, and I stress and fret and work so hard to make change.

But then every once in a while, you get a reminder that while everyone sees what you’re trying to do, you’re not going to win. Like Edward Snowden — whatever his motive for espionage, he tried to do something about it. Maybe it was to make himself famous, although I know enough spooks in Washington and how they operate to presume that whatever birthday he last celebrated had better have been a good one because his future ones are extremely limited.

I guess do you die doing what you must to survive, or die for what you believe in? And how can you make it so that it doesn’t have to feel like a choice?

Anyway, diet. I thank God that I remain employed and continue to pay to attend the meetings. I thank God for the strength to not resort to my usual stress-reliever of EATING ALL THE THINGS because I damn well deserve whatever I perceive as a reward. And I thank God that the stressful things that keep happening can come to a merciful end and that the fact that I survived a week of healthy eating and mom survived what I think may have been a heart attack yesterday means that we are one day closer to the glory and the greatness that He’s promised.

And thank you, God, for giving me more rope every time I reach the end of it. I’ll keep hanging as long as I can but I thank You that one of these days I’m going to have enough strength to crawl back up.

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