‘But I was sadly mistaken’

“You’ve been my soulmate and then some
I remembered you the moment I met you
With you I knew God’s face was handsome
With you I saw fun and an expansion.”

— Alanis Morissette, “Simple Together”

Work has slowed down a little bit. I’ve been leaving during the 7 p.m. hour this week. Only 11-hour days!

I don’t do well with things NOT being continually on fire. The occasional pockets of think time are good for my creative soul, of course. And for knowing what’s going on my industry as it’s happening.

But it’s not-so-good for the rest of me who lives in avoidance of other things that take over my mind when I’m not fully focused.

I came to a big fat revelation this morning, after adding saltwater from my own eyes last night to the vast ocean I live next to. It’s that I’ve spent a lifetime as runner-up on “The Bachelor,” seemingly.

There’s always someone they love or want more. Yet, I always come to find out later that they wanted to choose me but had reasons that they didn’t. Usually it was that they themselves didn’t feel “good enough” and sought refuge elsewhere. Even when I was throwing myself at them, in my own mind.

And I hurt and ache and can’t breathe or feel like I’m lovable or that I’m good enough … only to find out months or even years later that I, in fact, WAS loved and wanted and, well, right. I was right. I knew there was something there and I wasn’t hallucinating and that everybody really was there in the moment and I didn’t have to hurt or ache or get over it or feel like I didn’t mean anything because I did.

I said something to one of my boys not too long ago, that anything worth waiting for is worth doing now. And if, as I suspect, that is what’s going on here, we’re going to waste our whole lives waiting for something and it’s going to be gone and this will be yet another thing we can’t retrieve.

“If I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
If I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
If I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
My wealth would render this no less severe.”

If my life were a movie, someone amazing would swoop in right now and love me like I’ve never known. Oh, hell, my life IS a movie. And so, I’ll be on the lookout for the next character who will change everything if I let him.

I will let him. In the meantime …

“This grief overwhelms me
It burns in my stomach
And I can’t stop bumping into things.”

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