Behind blue (er, green) eyes

In all my infinite weirdness, I want nothing more than to be included yet I go to every extent to park my pudgy pork roast butt right on the fringes.

Even when people try to drag me kicking and screaming into the circle, I stay where I am.

I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t have to worry about missing out. I can imagine all the fun and feeling included that I could have enjoyed. But without the painful absence of it when it’s over and everyone’s gone away and I’m back on my own.

It’s a joke (but it isn’t) ’round these parts that I’ll never take a day off because once I am not psycho-busy, I will never be able return to the grind.

I notice that once I’m dating someone and I get time to myself, it’s hard to give up. A friend said it’s very “goddess-ish” to say my favorite gift to give is the gift of goodbye. But seriously. It’s the gift that keeps on giving … to yourself.

But yeah. I don’t want to get into it. I just had the opportunity to be treated like family recently and I hope they didn’t think I was shunning it. I just didn’t feel worthy of it. Since it’s been a long time since I felt the love from those I DO give everything to. Forgive me if you are kind to me … and I just don’t know what to do with it because I feel so out-of-practice.

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