‘At the beep please leave your name, number and a brief justification for the ontological necessity of modern man’s existential dilemma’

It’s bad enough that I’m rolling home past 10 p.m. with a pile of work still undone, but to come home to cozy up my favorite spot on the floor (as who could afford a couch with fucked-up memories of vacation plans gone awry to recover from?) and see a big, wet shit streak on it courtesy of my elder cat just makes those long, crazy days worth it. Not.

Some days, I just get tired of having to be OK with the fact that this is how it always is and this looks to be the best it’ll be for the time being. It’s hard to dream from a shit-stained floor. Or maybe I’m not OK with it but I’m just too tired to react.

I was talking to a freelance instructor this week — an otherwise wholly unimpressive sort — about how she got her own business launched. And she said, very simply, that those who can’t stop thinking about it are never going to do anything BUT think about it. It’s the person who says, fuck it, why can’t today be the day, who’s got the best chance of making it work and just doing it already. It’s just that discipline thing that’s been my barrier, but when am I going to be motivated enough to overcome it?

I looked at her and realized that I’ve got just as much to offer, intellectually, not to mention I’d add my own brand of sparkle that would put everyone else out of business. And I wonder why not try. Seriously. Exhaustion and ennui have become a security blanket in my life. I feel OK if I’m disappointed and annoyed. I’ve learned to revel in my existential discontent. In fact, I don’t know how to function outside of it.

But I need to figure out how to reverse that and start loving being alive. A day without dysfunction, even if it’s all only in my head — can I handle it? Be encouraged enough to try a second day without wanting to tie a noose around my neck and jump off a chair? consider it a victory to achieve something more than scrubbing the cat shit out of the carpet? I s’pose there’s a first for everything!

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