I had planned to work today so I can take a vacation day on Friday (because I’m so far behind I feel guilty and just plain ill about taking a day away), but somehow I just can’t get up any enthusiasm for it. But yay, there are Reader Poll Monday questions to distract me from my guilt!

1. What’s the last book you read that you didn’t finish?
“The Devil Wears Prada.” I started it years ago and then finally just saw the movie last week. And because I have no clue where the book even is, I just bought the audiobook.

I once worked for that woman, although she was Satan’s Handmaiden and she carried a Coach bag. I cannot look at Coach without stifling a hairball.

2. Would you rather own a trained monkey or a talking parrot?
I think I’d go with the parrot. I’m sure having a monkey to fetch me cold beverages would be lovely, but at least with the parrot, its poop would be contained in a cage. Although I’m sure it would be repeating all the non-ladylike things I utter. But as I talk to myself a lot, the bird would justify that compulsion.

3. What newspaper do you read most often?
The Washington Post

4. Can you whistle?
Yes, albeit pathetically

5. How do you like your eggs prepared?
By someone else! Give me a nice spinach and feta omelette any day.

6. Which is bigger, the measurement around your waist, or around your bust?
The bust

7. What is the most talented physical capability you have?
Running away from my demons. Dodging reality with a single bound. Oops, I mean, my legs are really strong — I’m sure I could put my foot up someone’s ass and they’d not enjoy it.

8. Do you have any Sunday rituals?
Get up, lament the fact that the weekend’s almost over, make coffee, watch “Joel Osteen” and wonder if I’m ever going to get motivated to drag my ass to a real church.

9. What’s the first department you go to in Wal-Mart? In the grocery store?
I go to the most chaotic, obnoxious department first: personal care. I start with the makeup aisle (I’ve just discovered that Neutrogena makeup actually does a half-decent job of controlling my temperamental skin) and then get all the other girly products I require. Then it’s off to the catty litter department.

In the grocery store, I hit the Starbucks first. But then I go to the seasonal crap, which Safeway keeps right inside the door next to the coffee shop.

10. If you could go back in time to any year, what would it be?
Of my life? 1984. Don’t ask. Or maybe I’d go back to 1993 listen to my friends on something they’d warned me about. If I could go back anywhere, I’d visit the Impressionist era.

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