37
S. would have been 37 today.
For a while there, I was doing the living that she no longer could.
Most of those leaps turned into belly-flops into drained, cracked pool tiles. But still. I met a lot of beautiful people and ate a lot of pretty food and visited gorgeous places that are out of reach to most people.
The real way to honor her, other than leaving the country and never coming back, is to find a friend. A real friend. And keep them forever.
The last time I saw her, we were both in our phones with our boys du jour. These guys were long gone by the time she was.
It wasn’t always like that. It wasn’t EVER like that. I think we were both just exhausted from life and embracing pain disguised as pleasure instead of the usual pile of plain old pain.
I wish we could sit around today with some Chianti and Retsina, although it was a boy who introduced me to Greek wine and not her. With some hummus and pita her famous cheese casserole and whatever delicacy Mom made for us.
I wish we could compare All the Notes and learn from each other and laugh and cry and wait too long to do it again but we’d eventually do it again.
What a shame that I lost S. and gained a big old C who can’t quit me instead.