Caterwauling

I decided to give up boys for Lent. “They” say that when you stop looking, the perfect person finds you; so fine, I’m actively not looking. (HALP! PLEASE FIND ME!)

They said something at church Sunday that set me into a tailspin because THEY ARE CLEARLY READING MY MIND — that isn’t the moment amazing when you like someone and find out that they like you back? And isn’t it even better if they approach you instead of you being the one to risk putting yourself “out there”?

At a time when everything in my life is, um, total shit, I don’t know how much more my heart can possibly take. You would think that calling up a boy and asking him out to dinner would be nothing compared to the burdens I shoulder.

But for a girl who couldn’t give a flying Farvegnugen what people think of her, for the most part, her widdle heart might shatter into a Milky Way of hopes and dreams if the wrong — er, “right” — person said no thanks.

Is it better to live in silence with the hope of a “someday” or is it far better to have your heart trampled so that you know that day will never come? Or is God in the business of granting wishes once in a while, to catch us off-guard and keep us believing in miracles?

And will our heroine risk giving up the dream of a reality worth living for, well, the potential of a reality worth living?

I just read a friend’s blog post and am oddly comforted that I’m not the only one feeling the way I do.

Mountain Lions, Snakes, Women and Other Dangerous Creatures

“I guess I feel safe here, in my brightly painted cave with all its man-toys. What keeps me in here talking to pictures, rather than out there talking to faces? People, beautiful, crazy, funny, messed up, delightful people, that is what I really want. That is what my mind is waiting for, and my body too! Well, female people anyway. It is so easy for me to go out in the woods, desert, mountains, rain forests, jungles, even really ‘dangerous’ places without hesitation. It is not so easy to go to a coffee shop and say hi to someone. I have been perfectly comfortable all alone on a 10,000 foot mountain in the Rockies with a cougar circling my campsite, melting snow to make tea, and saying hello to a forty-something single girl makes me sweat.”

*sigh*

After one of my dating entanglements ended, I wrote on a private blog, “So I go back to being the freak of nature who has never known love and, at this rate, never will.”

I go back to that thought a lot. I guess when I hear people tell me that things happen for a reason, I try to rationalize that things also DON’T happen for a reason, too — that something is out there so special and wonderful, I need to be free and ready for it when the time is right.

I just need to work on feeling whole in the meantime. Because I refuse to accept that this is as good as life gets.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 12th, 2008 at 7:51 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.