And now we know
I sat through a four-hour timeshare presentation Monday.
They put me up at a very fancy Delta. I mean fancy. It had a pool just like the Vistana’s.
Not that I had time to use it, as I was park-hopping all day.
And not that the people who gave me the stay provided the correct address.
I went to the wrong place.
Got a different address after some confusion.
Then then Siri took me to Twistee Treat, as that was the second address I was given.
Got to have Mom’s and my favorite order, as we had been to that location before together.
And of course I click-clicked the spoons.
Doesn’t everyone take photos of their mom and cat to dinner?
In any event, I saw a tall building in the distance and stumbled my way to it in the car. It was very nice.
Woke up early the next day. Didn’t know where I was supposed to go or what time. What an operation.
Checked out at 7:30 since there was ONLY decaf in my room. I knew the fancy lobby had a fancy coffee bar.
At 7:35, I got a text with where to go for this nonsense presentation. So I just headed straight there, thinking surely they will want to impress a potential buyer.
Hah.
Well there was no first floor entrance, just a giant stairway to the second floor.
I was also wildly early. I asked about coffee and they said they had none.
Should have left right then.
Waited forever and then some weird lady came and complimented my shoes.
I mean my Crocs are sparkly and all. But … they’re Crocs.
Well. Weird lady was my salesperson.
She took me in an elevator to the first floor … and there she waved me to the “continental breakfast.”
Six bagels in baggies. And a coffee urn.
I tried the coffee. It was FOUL.
She asked me to be open minded. And I was.
I mean, I knew this was a big potential expense at a hotel chain I’d never stayed at. But for as much as I go to Orlando, it’s not out of the realm.
The TL;DR, as if there is such a thing, was that I spent three hours hearing about her travels to Morocco, Paris, Qatar, Dubai and where the fuck ever else.
Every time she asked me a question about me, she Krispy Kremed.
I mean, they are selling the dream here.
She made me feel like I don’t dream big enough. Like just Paris? That’s your dream, really?
I said well, Greece, because I was supposed to go with a friend but she died young. And I want to see why she loved it there.
So I got to hear all about her trips to Greece. And her friend’s son who died young. Made me guess how many cars came to the funeral. Five hundred. With all the local emergency personnel.
She took me on a tour and there were a million people in one of the eight pools.
She said isn’t this WONDERFUL. Don’t you just LOVE meeting people.
I said no, I really don’t. I am very much a loner.
How about less about barbecues and more about how this membership translates to a available properties in Key West.
She said you’ll get to meet SO MANY other owners, isn’t that great!
I was telling K that I could get past her personality.
But when I asked about Key West, she threw her book at me and told me to look it up myself.
I said it’s not really in any sort of geographical order, can you help?
She said no, it’s not my book. I don’t use it.
I was done with her right then.
But no, she wouldn’t let me leave.
Would. Not. Let. Me. Leave.
The first offer was for $40k over 10 years. Plus $1,400 a year for maintenance fees.
Second offer, $30k.
I said yeah I’m definitely intrigued but no.
She fought me on that. I said well no is a full sentence. And she was NOT playing with me.
I said you keep selling me on all these two-bedroom condos in Idaho and haven’t told me anything about Italy. She said look at the book; it’s all in there.
I said I know my favorite hotel in Vegas isn’t there. You don’t have anything on the Strip.
So if I am paying this mortgage, paying for my favorite hotels, paying rent and cat sitters and food and whatnot … I truly thank you for helping me learn about my options but it’s a no for me, dawg.
She kept bringing it back to money.
And I said lady I can hand you cash for the whole thing today and you will never have to speak to me again for 10 years. It is not about the cash.
Ohhhhhh boy. Now she was ready to negotiate.
We got that $30k slashed to $23k.
We slashed that maintenance fee to every OTHER year … if I promised to refer people.
I said how many times do I have to tell you I am a loner. I am not sending people to sit in a meeting with you.
She goes on about how I can host family reunions! And get up to four units for the price of one!
And I can give my employees the gifts of a hotel stay if they just sit through a presentation!
I’m like nah we cool. I am hungry. Let me stop wasting your time.
She brought over a manager (lol) for a better offer.
The price dropped to $19k, $17k. Then $13k. Then $10k.
I finally put on my backpack and said thank you for a lovely four hours. What do I have to do so I can leave?
She melted down and basically asked what’s wrong with me. Is it that I don’t have the money?
“We don’t do credit checks. Everyone gets approved. You can use up to three payment methods. Give me three credit cards and it’s yours!”
I said you seem very responsible with money and I am too.
I am going to take that CASH downpayment, invest it and maybe come back to you in five years.
She and stomped and got the “manager’s manager.”
The big boss said I have one final offer for you … $6,300.
So I managed to go from $40k to $6,300.
Alas, I said I am super open to this idea. But I am just not in the headspace today.
Between you and me, Caterwauling fandom (so, three of you) …
I was ready to buy at $19k.
Do you know what I spent on The Eras Tour? On Vegas? On New York? On Washington, D.C.? On 17 Disney trips? On souvenirs for friends and family and myself?
Pretty fucking close. In a year. One year. Twenty grand.
A timeshare would have SAVED me money. I promise you.
Maybe if ya girl wasn’t tryna call me poor in a nice way …
And maybe if she helped me see me where I can stay in Key West, where a proper week costs $5k yet she could get me there for $299 TOTAL for 8 days …
We’d have had a deal.
I didn’t say any of this to the big boss.
In fact, the big boss said great — you saved me $500 that I’d have to pay her in commission.
So, here’s a $300 gift card AND a weekend stay at any of our resorts.
Thanks for coming in; we’d love for you to fill out a survey and we’ll take your name out of our system.
I do feel bad wasting the first lady’s time. But it wasn’t a waste to me.
I ate a very good lunch with my shiny new gift card.
With very good cocktails.
And I got some chocolate-dipped bacon and potato chips.
The chocolate wasn’t so great but it was fun to try.
Plus, now I know how to negotiate if I find a property I do want to have a long-term relationship with.
Parting thought — I literally told the lady how to sell me. I said quit harping on the legacy benefit. I don’t have kids.
And I was working while she was “talking to my manager.” I was like lady, I am on ROLLOVER PTO to be here. ROLLOVER from 2024.
How the fuck can I take 8 days anywhere?
Sell me on “you can work from your hotel since it’s only $299 a week and not a night.
But did she sell me on that?
No. She didn’t listen.
And so, I didn’t reward her.
Like Taylor Swift says about when she tries something that doesn’t work.
“And now we know.”
Indeed.