I Crap In a Box

I'm Maddie, a fabulous foul-mouthed Calico from Washington, D.C. I sleep, whine and poop a lot. Swearing like a sailor and vomiting like a supermodel round out my typical day. Tormenting my sister also warms my heart!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

I'm in ur hamper, shit-streaking your skivvies

Mommy has seen every freaking apartment available in the Apartment Guide, and she finally decided on one today. But she lied about my ass -- I don't exist, in her world. And she notices how all these rental companies ask her twice about having pets -- once on the phone, and again in person. Even when she shows up, they say, "You said you're bringing a pet, right?" She blinks and answers blankly, "No." Hah -- smart girl!

But she came home and told me that the place she's looking at has brand-new everything, including carpet. Which means I'm getting a nice kitty prozac prescription before we go. Whee. Apparently my shit fetish isn't uncommon and now I will have to be on antidepressants so I will not feel the need to shit everywhere anymore.

Silly Mommy, there ain't a drug on this planet that will cure me of big, fat wet dingleberries like the one you picked out of my butt tonight when I tried to jump on your head and you nearly committed suicide from the stench. If I am not emanating an aroma of ass juice, how will you know it's me sittin' on your head?


At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Mojo said...

Mom makes me take Prozac too. Not because of a shit fetish, but because I like to bite my siblings, blah blah blah. Whatever. That and my awesome leg-shaving method--my legs are super clean shaven by my own teeth. I'm good at it too. But they tell me it is a nervous thing, so I get the happy drugs. Wee.

Good luck with your round of the 'Zac. I'm going to go dream about neon birdies now.

At 7:53 PM, Anonymous Mindy said...

I found a "natural" pheromone diffuser, which looks exactly like a glade plug-in, except that it broadcasts "happy cat" pheromone. We got it because our 12 year old girl cat is very unhappy about our new addition of a very large male stray who really wants to smell her ass just one more time, please. At any rate, she'd been licking the fur off her little paws and this was what our vet (love her!) recommended. On another positive note, my insomniac husband swears that the diffuser makes him sleep better--nothing's more comforting than happy cat pheromone, right? :)


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