‘I could sparkle up your eye’

“Let’s take Jesus off the dashboard
Got enough on his mind
We both know just what we’re here for
Saved too many times.”

Lana Del Rey, “Diet Mountain Dew”

So, if you’re asking out a girl repeatedly and you’re not sure what to do next, here are some tips.

  • Don’t insult her (i.e., pointing out a flaw).
  • Don’t ask her why she doesn’t return your calls.
  • Don’t forget the 700 billion times she asked for something and you ignored it.
  • Seriously, the insulting her. Just … don’t. Because she’s going to put it on Twitter and a guy she thinks the world of is going to make her feel like a million bucks. (Thanks G!)
  • If you’ve just checked off everything on this list like it was an achievement, LET HER GO.

I found myself getting mad at ol’ Topo Gigio today. Like, if he wasn’t so far up Whorothy’s puckered asshole, I wouldn’t still be dealing with this dating business.

OK, maybe I would. I’ve never cheated on anyone but if I had to spend the rest of my existence second-guessing him, I wouldn’t want to limit my options.

I used to believe in multiple soulmates. Now I’m not sure I believe in any.

There was a good line in “Revenge” Sunday night, when Conrad Grayson convinced his son Daniel to marry Emily and have an affair with Sarah. I forget the exact words but he said to marry your match and don’t ever marry your paramour.

I’m not marriage-happy by any means but DAMN would I be thrilled to meet my match for a change. Not just someone who matches me, but someone who challenges me and NOT in the way that I have to find new, innovative excuses for why I didn’t answer the phone they know I tuck into my damn bra most of the time!

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