Falling in, falling out

Cigarette palm trees

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

You see lots of trees like this on my street. They remind me of cigarettes, with the green glowing tips at the top. And it reminds me of the cigarettes I keep in my armrest, and I have just enough time to smoke one of them before I pull into my parking lot.

So, every day this week was better than the last. And every night, worse than the one before.

I had some really good interactions with my boss this week, both on the professional and on the informal levels. He’s awesome in so very many ways. And I feel like I’m not performing at my usual level (I realize I’ve only worked there SIX WEEKS), but he’s somebody I want to be in my social circle. Maybe not now, but definitely down the road as I start to figure out what the fuck I’m doing and make him look good and, therefore, trust me.

There’s someone else I’ve been hoping to impress, and we all have read about him in the last few blog entries here. And I think my master plan is working. *muahahaaa*

Actually, I’m relying a lot on faith with this one. Just, asking God to put me in the right place at the right time, to give me the right words to say (and gag me before I start to stick a lovely high heel in my mouth).

Let me tell you, God IS listening. And answering. I could not have asked for a better week on that front.

Anyway, I’m pretty certain this is what the “falling in” feels like. I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before. In fact, I can say with certainty that I am in WAY unfamiliar territory. Ergo, God’s direction here? Is more priceless than usual.

I can look in his eyes and see that this is going somewhere. And I don’t care how long it takes to unfold … this is going to be worth waiting my whole lifetime (so far) for.

The way I figure, I love having a good story to tell. I’m pretty sure I will with this one. 🙂 I already have a few that I’m keeping to myself!

Now, I go from awesomeness and fabulosity and dreamlike wonder during the time I’m not at home … to gloom, despair, and agony on me. (Hee-Haw.)

I thank God for at least there being a balance, as it used to be just round-the-clock misery between bad jobs, no good men in my life and the Houseguest (yep, I’m back to that today) being such a pain in my ample ass. Balance is good. We can work with balance.

I invited my lovely Greek goddess to spend Christmas with me, and I’m looking SO forward to it. And we were all set to just figure out what to cook, oh, today. But Houseguest has been yelling at me for two weeks because there is no menu, no plan, no ANYTHING SHE CAN CONTROL WITH HER OVERBEARING OCD.

I thought I was doing her a favor, telling her NOT TO WORRY — WE GOT THIS. But my nerves are absolutely shot and she’s holding the smoking gun.

My fellow goddess and I are confounded. We figured maybe we’d just roll through the store today, see what’s left and whip up some magic. Why stress about CHRISTMAS of all days, yes? All we need are smokes, a few bottles of wine and a whole smorgasbord of cheeses … as long as we have good company, everything else is secondary.

But after a wonderful day (whereupon I got a Christmas present! From him! Do you know how long it’s been since ANYONE has given me a Christmas present? And one I like! That showed me he was thinking about me! That he’s listening to me!), I came home to the black cloud of “You’re mean! You don’t include me in anything! You don’t do anything around here! I do EVERYTHING AROUND HERE and you’re no help!”

She is lucky to be alive after that. If I weren’t floating on a WAY higher cloud, you’d be sending my Christmas card to JAIL.

In order to preserve my own peace of mind, I cried uncle. If she wanted to know what we were eating for Christmas (the source of the whole fight), she could cook it her damn self. After all, it’s ALL MY FAULT that she didn’t know what we were eating. (To feed three fucking people. And I already had a fucking Honeybaked Ham in the fridge so that we’d have protein.) ZOMG.

So finally I wasted my whole night yesterday taking her to a whole bunch of places to shop for food. Fine, I said. Buy what you want. I can’t fucking take this anymore.


Aaaaand … we’re back there again.

Look, I like this guy. He likes that I’m fun and positive and upbeat and, according to him, that I’m nice. Fuck. If he only knew how “mean” I am.

On my taxes this year, I’m not even claiming her as a dependent. I’m claiming her as a co-dependent. Because once again, I let her have her way to keep the peace. I should have stood my ground and said we goddesses have this. (Which I’ve said for two weeks.) I mean, since I don’t do anything around this place, wasn’t that a step in the right direction? *simmer*

Oh well. I’m going to keep thanking God for bringing me the joy I find outside of here. He makes me happy. He really does. (I mean the guy, but God is pretty awesome too.) I can’t wait to see where this goes. I am both excited and yet patient; I want this to go right. I have NEVER felt like that before — there’s no rush at all. We got this, yo.

My eyes are on next Christmas, and my feeling is that it will be pretty amazing. If this is the “falling in” part, then I imagine I won’t want to be anywhere else once I’m fully there. …

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