So I was at Sears this weekend, picking up some phenomenally cheap clothes during their awesome holiday sale, and I almost murdered a woman in line.

Well, that was the problem — she wasn’t in line. The way the desks are set up, there are two cashiers working. So the rest of us form a single line and go to the next available clerk. Rocket science, apparently, to the unwashed masses in Alexandria, Va.

I was in line for about 15 minutes, and finally, I was at the head of the line. Both cashiers were busy. Then some dumb bitch with frizzy hair decides to stand at the desk right behind the lady being rung up — three feet in front of me. I was debating how I would inflict death upon her if she actually thought she would get waited on before me.

Finally, that clerk was free, and I started to walk up to her. Frizzy-Haired Bitch looked mortified as I put my stuff down on the counter. “I was next!” she wailed. “Um, no you weren’t,” I informed her; meanwhile, she stood there debating her purchase — she had grabbed two sizes of the same thing and was clearly incapable of picking one. However, she did manage to wail, “I was SO! I was standing here and you WEREN’T!”

Nyah nyah — did this invoke fourth-grade recess lines, anyone? The cashier was too meek to help me out, but she was interested in what I was going to say. I said, “Look, bitch — the line’s back there. Get some fucking manners.” She said, “WHAT?!?!” and I handed my credit card to the cashier, as she rang up my two items quickly and efficiently. And when I left, Frizzy Bitch jumped out of line again and got the same cashier, and I could hear her STILL debating which item to purchase as I bolted out of there, as if the cashier could really tell her which one to pick. Fucktard.

Some days, I think the mental institutions let all of their patients out for the day. And usually, it’s the day I am at the mall.

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