Friday Five, holiday edition

1. Doggy style: Remember Born on the Fourth of July? Where Tom Cruise overcame his disability to lead a healthy life, or something? Check out this American inspiration. What is the biggest challenge you’ve had to overcome to get where you are today, and what’s the biggest one you’d like to overcome now, in order to make your life better and best represent the good ole’ USA?

Compared to a lot of people, I haven’t had nearly as much to overcome to get where I am today. Really, whenever I get down because I’m beyond broke, I remember that I have arms and legs that function and a brain that, although it emits lots of word vomit because my inner monologues usually escape my lips, works fairly properly.

That said, I really want to achieve the American Dream and write the Great American Novel. I’m trying to find part-time work so I can actually pay all my bills in full when they’re due (and get my student loans out of default someday), and I want to write a tell-all bestseller when I do it. So be nice to me, lest there be a chapter devoted to you!

2. Zoned out: For those of you susceptible to over-imbibing in the face of glorious fireworks shows, the District is offering free cab rides to get you home to puke in your own bathroom. Have you ever been sick in public? (Of course you have.) Give us your worst horror story.

Oh god. Where to begin? I’d say my 21st birthday was a prize. I’d had a salad for dinner and ended up at the now-defunct Jellyrolls dueling piano bar in Pittsburgh. I was with a guy I was trying to impress. Five pineapple drinks ended up puked up in the parking lot, along with shreds of salad. I never saw that guy again. 🙂

I can top it though. I had just had awesome drunken sex (same year), and was lying there quite happily afterward when the urge to vomit hit. So I raced into the bathroom and yakked up the metric ton of Jack Daniels I had consumed. I hadn’t eaten, so it was all liquid. When I was done, the guy had already called a cab for me. *sigh*

3. Sardines: Speaking of transportation — always hip to major events, our esteemed subway system is shutting down at midnight, not to mention running two-car trains, closing stations and generally making live miserable for suburbanites. What is the worst thing you’ve ever witnessed while taking public transportation? (This must be a real event, unlike, say, a seat-spitter.)

OK, I hate being crowded with people. I can give a non-transportation example that happened today; I was in Mickey D’s with Shan, and this dumb bitch was practically stepping on my heels behind us in line. I said very loudly how I fucking HATE it when people crowd me, and I looked right at the girl. So what did she do? Start touching Shan’s hair and mine and talking about how we both have red hair, but mine is curly and Shan’s is straight. And this girl was like 16, not 6. I almost punched her. Shan had to step between us, lest I rip the braids out of her hair and strangle her with them, which was about to happen pretty quickly if Shan hadn’t intervened!

Worst thing that happened on public transportation: I was done with a Saturday class, and I usually worked afterward but I happened to have the day off, so I rode home with a scary guy who whipped out his dick and started stroking himself and licking his lips and leering at me in general. I ran up to the driver to report it, and the dumbass chased me up the aisle, threatening to kill me. I lost my favorite $60 silver bracelet in my hurry to park my ass behind the driver. He threw the guy off the bus, and I never could find my bracelet. That of course being the most tragic part of the story!

4. Chick magnets: Just before you hit the festivities on the fourth, you can gear up in our nation’s capital by enjoying free comic book day! (Note that even this has to be cooler than the mid-town bar crawl.) What is your most embarrassing hobby, how serious is this affliction, and how long have you been at it?

Hmmm, I am not really embarrassed by masturbation or downloading tons of free MP3s from my pirate site of choice. It’s damn near impossible to embarrass me unless you are acting like a turd in public and I happen to be nearby.

5. Ga-thr ’round: In the President’s Fourth of July address (we assume from last year), the Rev. Dubbya notes citizens everywhere celebrate with “barbecues, picnics, and family ga-therings.” (We’re assuming it’s phonetic for ga-thrings.) Describe a typical (or not) holiday ga-thring with your family.

The Rev. Dubya. Hah! LOVE IT!!!

Fourth of July is a sad time in my family. My great-grandmother’s birthday was the 3rd, my grandmother died on the Fourth, and another uncle was born and also died (90 years to the day) on the 5th. We stopped celebrating the holiday years ago — my grandmother died while the fireworks were going off, and even though I used to be absolutely in love with watching the fireworks, I can barely look at them now without my heart feeling like someone is tying a rope around it and chafing it.

This year may be different. Shan’s one-year wedding anniversary is over the holiday, so that’s a good thing. Of course, though, her moving truck is coming on the 8th, so that will shoot any happiness straight into the river. This time of year is always so bittersweet, but I’ve got some things I’m doing this weekend, so I hope the sweet will kill most of the bitter taste this year.

On iTunes: Jon Bon Jovi, “Every Word Was a Piece of My Heart”

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