Friday Five

1. Get up, Poindexter! Yesterday, this kid fainted onstage while trying to spell a word during the National Spelling Bee (there’s video of this here). What was your most horrifying childhood moment? This little dork stood back up and correctly spelled his word – how did you recover?

Ugh. I remember spelling bees (I was one of the little dorks who won them!).

Oh, the horrors of childhood. The worst might have been when my first-grade teacher wouldn’t let me use the lavatory and thus I consciously decided to pee on the floor (it’s not that my bladder exploded, just that I decided to teach that bitch a lesson); however, next time she refused me a trip, I did it again, and someone actually noticed that time, and I never did it again (although, admittedly, I was never refused another bathroom break!).

2. Trendspotting: This week the New York Times chimes in on the “new trend” of vintage video games, which means they’ve officially been en vogue for at least a year, but we digress. As dorks clamor for the next Grand Theft Auto and jerk off to Tomb Raider, it seems the 4-tone slate of Pac-Man is what real gameplayers – or at least throwback hipsters – want. What was your favorite (now vintage) video game as a youngster? (Note to the blog community: if you were born in or after 1980 you may not answer this question, because nobody will care about your bullshit answer.)

Not only did I have IntelliVision, but I also had a table-top version of Pac-Man, which was an exact tiny replica of the real arcade game. I loved it! But when I would go to the arcades, I always gravitated toward Donkey Kong, Ms. Pac Man, and some stupid thing that hopped all over the place (Q-bert?). Damn, it’s been a long time if I can’t remember! And I did love me some Super Mario Brothers, I have to admit. Holy throwback!

3. From the annals on the questionable definition of art: Can this man really be considered an artist? Likewise, British artist Damien Hirst, uses dead animals in his installations. What is your take on this sort of abstract/modern art?

Modern art to me is highly computer-generated, although I must say that when I see recently-created art done in more traditional media, I dig that way more because the artist could have gone the digital route. Not saying digital art is easy, of course. Just less messy.

I also like live human installations, too. Kind of creepy if you think you’re looking at mannequins and one suddenly blinks or twitches, though. But note the “live” factor — no dead animals for me, thanks! Really, between the stench and the flies around their lifeless bodies, I might get confused and think I’m at work!

4. Top-shelf pussy? Some idiot in New York is suing Scores after running up a $100,000 strip club tab! (What an eejit.) What do you think of strip clubs, and more importantly, how much ‘nanny do you think this guy saw in order to rack up $100,000? If you had $100K to spare on your personal entertainment, where would you dole it out?

You know, I’d love to blow that kind of money in a strip club, and in the female clubs, if you can believe it (most of you can). Seems that the women at least put on a better show and “work hard for the money,” so to speak. I found that I could blow $100 to $120 a night on four beers and lots of fivers in the G-strings. But $100 THOUSAND?!! Jimminy fricking Christmas, that’s like 50 lap dances with tips that have commas in them! God DAMN and people like me can’t even afford to pay their cable bills.

In any event, if I really did have that kind of money, my ass would be at the Apple store, buying a G5, a PowerBook and every last piece of software I could stand to install. THEN I’d go to the strip bar for one last lap dance. … 😉

5. At least they weren’t passing out lube: Parents in a Pittsburgh suburb are freaking out because high school students are handing out shot glasses as prom favors for the guys, champagne flutes for the young ladies. (The writers of the Friday Five have no comment.) Did you attend your high school prom? Good memories, or would you rather have drowned them in Aristocrat and cheap champagne?

Another reason to love Pittsburgh. You need to drink to appreciate it. Hell, my mom used to buy me alcohol when I was 16 — it’s a rite of passage!

That said, I “just said no” to prom. My gay boyfriend decided to take his middle-school girlfriend (who had moved to another school) so that she could see all her old friends. He apparently had no problem with me sitting home. The great news was that she ignored his stupid ass the whole night and partied with her friends. Hah! Served his royal bitchiness right! Mom and I picked up a case of wine coolers and drank ourselves silly. Much like we do every time we are together even now, only we have graduated to tequila and other fine liquids. …

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