Caterwauling

From the Grey’s Anatomy blog:

“I feel for (Rose) though because when a man meets the love of his life, there is nothing else out there for him, no matter how great the girl.”

I believe that’s true for women or, at least, for me. You find someone and you’d probably forgive them downright anything and you’d wait for them if that’s what it takes and you’ll hide your heartache till the end of time because it seems like he’s got to be the one to come to his senses, to find you waiting there all along.

And all the while that you’re wondering whether you’re good enough for him, you squelch back every fleeting thought of, “Well, is he even good enough for me?”

In any case, maybe I just haven’t met the type that “could” settle down, even if it’s the love of his life. Or maybe I have and I just don’t know it yet.

I decided to work from home in the early hours of the morning, breaking my new tradition of being coiffed and dressed at the ass-crack of moi and being planted in my little cubby before the masses arrive. (A girl’s gotta get some peace at some point in her day.)

So I did my thing in my quiet room (with a door! Next time I’m job-hunting, I’m NOT going to go for the cube environment. No way in hell), and I was just about to leave when I yawned. It was a Technicolor yawn, unfortunately, as the Skittles I’d nommed on for breakfast decided they didn’t want to be digested after all. I can has sick day? Oh noes, too short-staffed! *barf*

Anyway, I was slightly riveted by “Grey’s Anatomy” last night. I wish I could just identify with one character instead of all of them. Maybe I’d feel less damn depressed at 10 p.m. Eastern on Thursday nights when the show goes off and I switch to Comedy Central for the duration of the evening.

I think, if I had to pick, I’d have been Cristina this week. (It’s a lovely name, so why not?) After the fruits of her labor have yielded a prestigious award for her lackluster ex, and the new boss doesn’t have the time of day for her, no wonder she’s disengaged. She passed up the opportunity to be part of a historic surgery on the founder of some awesome technique they all use, instead choosing to stick paper clips on a Dixie cup.

And what’s sad is I was thinking, hey that Dixie-cup-stabbing kind of looks fun!

I think I’ve fallen into a patch of quicksand insofar as why I was put on this planet. I’m developing mad (and marketable) skillz and I’m really growing on a personal level, too. But while I know the point of existence is to become who we’re meant to be, well, who exactly is that person? I’m sure she’s going to be downright divine, but what’s wrong with me as-is? And why do I have to be a different person to get where I’m going?

The other storyline that caught my eye last night was the gal with the brain tumor who spun a Cinderella-like story of her man Andre, whom she wanted to see before she went into experimental neurosurgery that could (and would) kill her. Nobody believed her, that she had this man in her life — there were no photos, no eyewitnesses, no way that anyone could imagine that she could meet Prince Charming.

I was angry about that — pudgy girls need love too, people. I’ve said it before on this blog and I’ll say it again, non-skinny girls give the best head because we’re HUNGRY. 😉

Anyway, the patient’s sister convinced Meredith that there could not POSSIBLY be a man, which Mer of course used to attempt to convince Derek that Andre was the byproduct of brain-tumor-induced hallucinations.

What I loved about Derek was that he was willing to entertain the hallucinations. I don’t know that even he believed this man was real, but he was willing to wait until his (supposed) 3 p.m. arrival time.

What I loved more was that, in surgery as everything was going wrong, Mer perked up and announced — by intuition alone — “Andre’s here.”

So here I am at a character crossroads myself, between the disenchanted and directionless Cristina and the wants-so-badly-to-believe-it’s-real brain-tumor patient and even the now-crazy Ava who really seems to have believed she was pregnant but it was all a product of her own hallucinations. (No comments about me spontaneously exhaling my breakfast today!)

I’m rooting for hope to win out. I’m just starting to see that there’s so much more to life than what I’ve allowed into it so far. But I’ve always believed that it will take one small miracle to set off a domino effect of dreams coming true — even dreams I didn’t know I had. And maybe the key is to let others know that you have ’em because maybe, just maybe, they would be happy to help further them along. …

Just a lil friendly reminder to

Texas, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island …

“BITCH IS THE NEW BLACK.”

Vote accordingly.

< / public service announcement >

GO HILLARY!

Well, what is there to talk about? Heath Ledger died. Suzanne Pleshette died. Who’s No. 3?

I mean, you wouldn’t be surprised to hear Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan did themselves in. But when it’s someone young, (appears to be) stable and who has several Oscar-worthy performances left in them, it’s a real bummer. (My favorite Heath film, however, will always be “10 Things I Hate About You.”)

It also makes one feel OLD when the person who died (a la Heath, of an apparent prescription overdose) is a few years younger. Further — you wanna try a life that drives you to distraction, come walk around in my shoes for a day, eh? Not saying mine is any worse on an apples-to-apples basis, but man, if these celebrities have nothing to live for, why the fuck am I still here?

What a shitty day yesterday. The Fed cut interest rates, the market tanked, the market staged a pseudo-recovery, Apple came out with great earnings and lost $30 in the aftermarket because its forward guidance wasn’t good enough, and two stars’ lights went out. In any event, blah and rest in peace. Here’s to hoping today brings better things.

Confession: When it comes to MTV’s “The Hills,” I am a junkie. I vote in the polls on the Web site and on People.com. I read every stupid news article about the cast. I watched “Laguna Beach” and never missed an episode of either show. I buy all the music I hear in the shows, too.

I’m so ashamed. 😉

I’ve watched the “Lauren Looks Back” special as many times as it’s been on. I was hooked on “Laguna Beach” back in the day. I have missed only about a half-episode of “The Hills” this season, and no worries — they will replay the series till the end of time or, at least, till the end of this year.

And yes, even though I’ve seen most of the episodes eleventy billion times, I still watch them. I love the fight between Lauren and Heidi. I’m totally “Team Lauren.” I just LOVE how Heidi can either do all kinds of stuff to hurt Lauren, or egg on that dipwad boyfriend of hers to do it, and try to talk to Lauren like, “I don’t know what you’re mad about, as I am fabulous and innocent and so special. And hey, remember all the stuff I did for you when we were friends?”

We all have a Heidi. The one who kept score when they did something wonderful but magically forgot everything ELSE they did to not only cause a rift, but to exacerbate it. And what kills me is how Heidi just keeps showing UP in Lauren’s life. I know MTV has orchestrated a lot of of those run-ins, but sheesh. How much clearer can Lauren be that she wants to “forgive her … and FORGET her”?!?!

But really, I’m watching because I’m rooting for Brody and Lauren to get back together. Because, let’s face it: We all have a Brody, too. The one who is PROBABLY better left as a friend, but who would probably be such a PERFECT match, it wouldn’t even be funny. We all have those moments where you *think* they’re on the same wavelength as you and would totally be on board for moving things a step further, and yet there are so many other moments when we just run scared or cut off our little dreams at the source because, nah. Either they won’t feel the same way or are we just imagining what we felt in the first place? Decisions, decisions.

And yes, I swooned when Brody kissed Lauren goodbye before she jetted off to Paris. I’ve been waiting all damn season for that. Do you get to a point with someone that it’s too late to turn it into something else, or will it be fireworks no matter when or how it happens? I know she was focused on hightailing it to the airport, but did she sit in the car going “OMG, OMG, OMG” on the way?

I can even forgive Brody for being Bruce Jenner’s son. You know, Bruce Jenner of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”fame. At least that’s a show that’s below MY low standards — I’m not a total loser. 😉

But is Brody as much of a player as he makes himself out to be? Maybe Lauren’s right not to let herself fall for him. You wonder about these guys whose phones are full of ladies — makes you wonder whether you’re just one of a million instead of being treated like the one IN a million that you are … and if they’ll ever fully realize that.

I was reading Mel’s post today about her male friend who’s getting married … who confessed to having a huge crush on her for years. (And how could he not? She’s FABULOUS!) And she’d had a crush on him, too. You wonder how many of us have those stories (and how many will go on with their lives never even knowing about it).

I guess that’s why I’m all about Team Lauren and Brody — you can see the spark that everyone keeps dancing around and is either pretending it doesn’t exist or isn’t actually aware of it. I mean, I guess we all tend to default to, “Meh, they wouldn’t be interested anyway so why entertain it?” But what if. …

What if, indeed.

Hell, I actually turned my work TV to a “Hills” marathon yesterday — figures my boss only visits when I’m chatting with someone or when I’m watching MTV. Gah. I promise, I really do work a lot!!! But I am a sucker for that stupid show — lick me, please. There ain’t no rehab that’s going to dwarf this addiction!

The D.C. metro region had its first snowfall yesterday. *hairball*

Just two weeks ago, I was gazing out my office window and marveling at all the pretty colors of the leaves that were still on the trees. Yesterday? Those leaves had a layer of white powdery shit on them. Odd to see snow before the leaves have died off.

Anyway, it took two attempts to get to work. I cleaned off the cars, headed to the Interstate, and sat. I turned around at the first opportunity, parked it and did some work. Within a half-hour, I walked outside and the cars were even more covered in snow than they were the first time. *headslam*

I would like to extend a special middle finger or two to the state of Maryland for the drivers it chooses to license. It’s either “ride our breaks for 10 miles because something wet is coming out of the sky” or “I’m way more important than you; let me wipe you off the road and make the scaredy-cat drivers even MORE nervous.”

I’m somewhere in the middle, hence why I think THAT finger is appropriate to wave at everyone. 🙂

The other thing I hate about winter, outside of Maryland, is the fact that my house is cold. I took this place because the windows looked so sturdy. They ain’t. So I come home, go to my bedroom and get under my deliciously warm IKEA comforter that is supposed to be the warmest blanket you can buy there. Although I need a new duvet cover and sheets to match, I’m currently in 400-TC so my bed is comfy-cozy.

Anyway, the problem is that I turn on the TV and promptly fall asleep the second I get warm. Which means I’ve missed all kinds of good TV this week. Then again, the programs that knocked me out the soonest have been “October Road” and “Private Practice.” So, is it the bed that lulls me into a coma, or shitty shows?

Either way, those are two shows whose writers can STAY on strike!!!

In this season of being thankful, I’m just grateful that things aren’t worse. (Hey, I had to come up with something to be happy about!)

I seem to have developed a case of acid reflux because I’m so behind at work. I had a project delegated far beyond my realm, and I got it back and my brain has since atrophied. Which means, the time that was to have been saved is now being spent salvaging the errant project. And when will I have time for the other project? *pops antacids*

Because I blog when I’m under pressure, I keep thinking about “Grey’s Anatomy” from the other night, how Meredith noted that she was the one who told a woman her husband is going to die, so she’d better come to the scene of the accident to say goodbye to him.

But what struck her is that this is her role in that woman’s story — Meredith would always be the woman who delivered that terrible news to her.

And it makes you wonder who you are in people’s stories, and hopefully it makes them wonder what role they will always play in yours. Are you the friend who kicked someone’s ass when they needed it, the great love who happened along when someone had all but given up, the wrench thrown into an otherwise-working machine or the one who could only wake somebody up by walking away?

I try to forget things and people that didn’t matter. But at the year anniversary of losing my grandfather, I pray that the string of asshole Veterans Hospital doctors, especially the one whose negligence ultimately killed him, feel the ugliness and disappointment that I have for them every day because their role in his life was ending it and the role in my life was ruining it.

Kind of makes you wonder what YOUR impact in others’ lives has been/will be. Personally, I don’t think I have any reason to have someone refer back to me as the crazy one or the useless one, although who only knows what role I have been cast in. I think back on so many people in my past and I guess, for one or two, I just hope that I’m “the one who got away” whom they shouldn’t have let go.

Hell, I look into my present and future, and I hope that I won’t be the one who got away from them, that they are smart enough to figure it out before I lose patience and give up. Further, I hope I’m not left pining because there was something that I didn’t do, either.

The good news is that in different plays, we are cast in different roles. I read a really great article on “Your Jerk Boss is Her Favorite Uncle”, and while I’m lucky to have an awesome boss, it reminds you that the douchebags you deal with in day-to-day living are actually pretty special to someone out there somewhere.

Perhaps it is not that they are downright douchebags after all but, instead, are only capable of douchebaggery when it comes to you but they are the center of the universe to someone else.

Which means that the people who make me slam my head off of blunt objects might be good wives or boyfriends or parents. Just like they probably view me as a cranky perfectionist who makes their lives hell because I demand excellence, they probably don’t know that I’m the person who will hold up traffic because I see a person crossing the street and I won’t move till I know they’ve gotten across safely.

Do we ever really know when we were, in fact, the ones whose existence changed someone’s life for the better? Do any of us who have a list of people we would thank at the Academy Awards ever let them know that they are on that list? Or are we saving it for a time with fanfare, if we ever plan to let them know at all?

It’s sad how people will get on the horn with each other to tell them off because of how they feel they’ve been wronged, but a simple call to say that “You were the reason I improved myself in this way …” is so much harder to make.

I guess the hopeless romantic in me will always be waiting for the one who not only becomes a better version of themselves because of me, but who isn’t afraid to say it. Because not changing someone’s life for the better is a prospect I’m more afraid of facing than death itself.

You know, I sit and watch CNBC all day, but lately I’ve had the channel on mute because it’s too ugly out there to actually want to watch what’s happening. So, apparently Jim Cramer, host of “Mad Money,” completely freaked out recently. And I? Had the TV muted so I could listen to music.

(If you knew how thin the walls are in my office, you’d understand — I have to have earbuds in so I can get a little peace and quiet.)

Anyway, my colleague mentioned Cramer’s meltdown over the credit crunch, and hoo boy, that’s no doubt going to show up on “The Soup.” And while I’d never buy any of the stocks he recommends (if I even could) because too many people are watching his show and driving up the premiums, I admit that his 14-karat flipout made me really like him. What can I say — I’m a sucker for a passionate guy!

Although … the real reason this video is a hot topic of conversation? That goddamned giraffe outfit on the chick. Seriously. That’s more painful to watch than the heart attack Cramer is about to have over his friends losing their jobs at the big financial firms!

I miss the recently departed “angsty Goddess” because the blog entries when I’m in a dither tend to be a little more substantial. At least I squoze a few half-decent tirades out of my last cycle, though. 😉

Anyway, loving “Lost Highway” already and I’ve only listened to four songs. So far my favorite is “Whole Lot of Leavin.'”

The band showed up on the “Today Show” this morning. I was busy throwing my underwear at the TV, although I think I’m going to need a new screen because I happened to be in them at the time.

Bon Jovi’s starting its world tour in January. I’m thinking that I should use the vacation hours I’m losing to go travel to see one of the “local” shows they’re holding (local to themselves, that is), although A) they’re in Newark and B) they’re in October. Rats.

I just saw a note from Pratt that at least the band will be on “Unplugged” Friday. *squee!* I may have to turn down a date to spend the evening with my favorite shaggy-haired rocker, but I think the sacrifice will end up being worth it. 😉

Now back to my regularly scheduled navel-gazing. ….

OK, so I’ve never in my life watched an eppy of “The Sopranos.” But since we were in a house with HBO last night, the remaining partygoers plopped down to watch the season finale.

As Ian said, “I want the last hour of my life back!”

God, horrible. Just, pointless. I figure, the producers clearly weren’t going for ratings, as everyone and their godfather was watching it and there’s no reason to compel people to tune in next week or next season. But, come ON people. How can you sleep at night after putting out such SHIT?

I expected some sort of resolution, but the resolution is that, here are some loose ends — you figure it out. Like a goddamned choose-your-own-adventure novel. Puh-leeze!

As Ian and I were leaving the par-tay, a guy on his cell phone came upon us, as he was walking his dog. He looked at us and remarked, “Did you just watch that stupid piece-of-shit show?” (Or something like that — believe me, it doesn’t even adequately convey the disgust.) We said we indeed had and BOY, so not worth it.

That’s all I have to say. I was looking so forward to discussing how terrific the episode was and how I totally needed to rent the show on DVD. But you know what? I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time with it than I already did.

Pfft.