Caterwauling

It’s a Hermit year for me. I mean, it’s been a Hermit decade so far. But I’m finally ready to embrace what the solitude holds

I could retype my last five journals if you want some sort of spell, mantra or profundity to help you deal with stress, pain, and frustrating people and situations.

Instead, because I know my audience loves my memes, I’ll give you a more serious one that speaks to me.

Mom and I have always looked at good-looking men with admiration. And then we looked over at … whatever they were with … and said, “SHE got a man?!”

Like, why does someone like that attract someone like this.

And it hit me awhile back that the hot mess feels they deserve that hot guy. So they got him.

What they do to keep him, ain’t none of my business. I’ve known and dated a lot of guys who had no idea how awesome they were.

Maybe they really weren’t that great, or else I’d be with them. That’s the going theory because I got nuttin else.

However, to put the “me” in meme because it’s all about meeeeeee (my blog, my money, my rules) …

You can’t manifest what you don’t feel you are worthy of.

Those hairy-toed bitches got it right. So why the hell can’t the rest of us?

We’re all waiting to be thin enough, happy enough, solvent enough, etc. — ready for that soulmate to see how awesome we are and sweep us off our feet.

Here’s the thing.

I meet people when I am least expecting it. When I am in pigtails waiting in line for my first coffee of the day. (Oh, The Before Times, how I miss you so.)

Of course, I exert some sort of effort. Always clean. Always happy. Always coordinated. Maybe light on the mascara and perfume, but it is nice to feel good. People pick up on the vibe.

I think in my case it’s that I never set my intention on meeting anyone. Let alone someone good.

In my tarot studies, I find EVERY girl asks me when she will meet someone.

That’s not how it works. That’s not how ANY of this works.

I can’t give you a date, in any sense of the word.

What I can do is tell you what you might want to think about doing to welcome more love into your life. Beyond scrubbing your butt and shutting your cakehole once in a while.

I’d say don’t be a Cunt Bag. But that seems to work for some folx.

If ever I do want to manifest someone again, I’m going to ask what I need to do to invite a soul connection into my life.

If I had to rely on intuition alone, I’ll attract another Twin Flame situation before something real. Damn supernovas — I can’t quit you!

But I control my destiny. I know more this time. I know I am worthy of getting at least as much as I’ve given.

In any event, manifestation comes from the fusion of the conscious and subconscious minds.

We kick our own psychic asses when we want something consciously but don’t feel deserving of it beneath the surface.

TL;DR: I deserve to receive $420,000 cash, no loans/payback/taxes needed, that comes to me in a way that supports my highest good and that of those around me. So it is, and so it shall be.

Funny that I’d pull The Lovers (Gemini) card yesterday …

The Devil (Capricorn) today …

Let me guess … The Tower tomorrow?

Perhaps the only reason I’d call myself OK right now is because I get out of the house nearly every day, to interact with animals.

Also, it’s good to see Florida still hustling and bustling. I mean, it isn’t — good, that is.

My governor is loath to lock us down and people don’t have enough sense to lock themselves down.

But seeing sunshine and people not too worried about life has been oddly refreshing.

I wish coronavirus never had to happen. And I am not one to say things happen for a reason. There isn’t always a reason.

Sometimes they just happen and it sucks. So you either get through/past it — and you grow from it — or you don’t. Dealer’s choice.

I’ve been turning into a salt pillar, in a few ways. Not reading certain social media. It ain’t that snark and smug superiority I miss. Or being typed at like I’m a 6-year-old.

Hard pass, Grimace.

As if it wasn’t hard enough waiting 45 years to open up my heart to someone, and for what?

But I do miss everything else.

Now that being completely discombobulated is happening to everyone else, I feel like I’m in good company.

I won’t say what drastic things I’ve done to help me cope. But let’s just say I have my magic ways. And my magic tarot deck.

* I pulled the Six of Wands today. The victory card. If you look at the card, he’s just won a battle. I think he’s on his way to one. And homey ain’t playin’. He left behind a lot of things he loved, in search of the things he’ll love and the tribe who will love him. YOU ARE DONE MAKING MOVES OUT OF FEAR. YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY THE WAY OTHER PEOPLE SEE YOU.

* I pulled The Fool yesterday. He’s not naive — he’s seen some shit and he’s frolicking off to do whatever the fuck it was that he was put on this earth to do. He’s remembering who he wanted to be before all y’all told him what you think he is and what y’all told him he can or cannot be/do. DOORS ARE OPENING. FORGETTING IS THE ULTIMATE SKILL; YOU CAN CREATE FREELY NOW.

* I pulled the Queen of Pentacles before that. She is done with surviving. She’s thriving. She’s releasing others’ definition of her. She’s the wild woman of the deck — she is mother and psychic healer and light worker and lover and guess what? SHE IS SHOWING UP FOR WHAT IS HERS, AND SHE IS ASKING FOR MORE THAN SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS EVER WORTHY OF HAVING.

The golden thread?

She’s done some shit. People think she needs to feel a certain way about it. They haven’t seen the good she’s capable of because even she’s pushed that aside to deal with all the other stuff. And guess what? She was always worth more than they thought … than SHE thought. And you can’t manifest what you don’t think you’re worthy of.

I mean, look at all these people with great mates, money, homes, whatever. They think they deserve it all. You have dipshits running around worshiping at their idiot altars. Or maybe it’s all their bots or fake accounts “liking” them.

Wait till these fuckers pull the Tower card and the Wheel and a Five of Wands.

I already pulled all those bad cards myself, and here I am. Running up the seventh floor. Knocking the eleventh door. I’ma sick of trying. Baby could you love me some more?

In any event, life’s about to change again. I have a really hard week ahead. Hard road.

But the Six of Wands calls for balance between what calms you and what excites you.

The Fool said be a writer, lady. It’s time.

And the Queen of Coins says you’ve suffered enough actual fools. Let the cream rise to the top and let the spoiled milk curdle.

God willing, Imma find that missing cup in the wall of the Eight of Cups.

Now to parlay a legacy out of all this.

I keep getting the Ace of Cups. Like, on three different days with three different decks.

Is the universe trying to tell me something?

In any event, I met a fellow publisher for lunch at a place where I take all my besties.

A good looking guy got in line behind us. He said hi. I figured it was to my friend because she works nearby. She said hi and we kept talking.

A few minutes later, I looked back at this hottie. Damn.

What? Oh. Anyway.

I said to my friend,you know this guy? She said no.

I looked at him. “J?”

He said, “I thought that was you. I tried to say hi but you turned your back to me.”

Oops.

In any event, we chatted and have moved on to emailing.

Small world, maybe. But I think it’s a big one. And how cool when we get to cross the great divides it puts in our way sometimes.

Cooler still when the hottie is trying to get your attention and not your friend’s!

I just switched jobs and I realize what an economic privilege that is.

I say that because I pulled this card today, the Ace of Pentacles / Coins reversed. And once again, the tarot clearly can read my mind …

Over the years, I’ve been afraid of being let go. For financial reasons or a jerk with a grudge creating problems and employers needing peace too.

But I’ve been even more terrified of applying for something, getting it … and having to live 1-3 weeks without a payday.

Then you have to worry whether the new place even has the money to pay you. Or whether you were just a shiny new trade and it’s First In, First Out when they hit rough waters. Or if you are even a fit in the first place.

In any event, I say this as someone who just collected her last paycheck at her beloved job and gets her first shiny new check at the end of this week.

A trapeze artist, as it were, leaving the swing and tumbling midair — waiting for that next bar to meet my hands.

And it’s fine.

I have savings. I have a brokerage account. I have a 401(k). Plus a mattress stash that’s supposed to be for a couch but I just haven’t felt secure enough to commit to one yet. After a year. But who’s counting, really?

But hey. You know what a scarcity mindset manifests as? Scarcity!

In other words, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Hopefully for a long, long time.

But damn, that scarcity mindset is a bigger foe than a guy driving around your neighborhood with a Jason Voorhies mask.

In any event, how many people decide NOT to make the leap because they’re afraid to take a financial risk like this?

Money provides such freedom.

I’d like a little more of that freedom.

A lot more.

I bet my life would be a lot different now if they knew how much freedom I plan to secure … and soon.

The shiny new work-from-home job is GREAT … except for the CONSTANT CONSTRUCTION here at the Rock of Fraggles.

I’m temped to lease a second apartment till this shit gets done. At the very least, to secure a co-working space. Although that’s terrible to leave mom here while I go get some damn peace.

Again, it’s nice to have options. And lots of them.

I think the Two of Wands can also be the Trader Card.

Trader Tarot. Should totally be A Thing.

You have a hard choice to make about something you’ve invested in. What you have isn’t working for you. Inspiration abounds. The world beckons. Write your plans. Trade out, trade up, double down or go to cash and breathe?

My coven had a wild snd wonderful session on Sunday. We conjured up a birthday party, built a tarot altar and did some channeling/automatic writing.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, you might be the one asking the questions and pointing to the face-down cards for the answers. But the cards choose you and they ask you more questions in return.

I asked my teacher if you can consciously choose a card because you like it. Like, I’m a Gemini and my life path is six; should The Lovers (6) be “my” card?

She’s too nice to ever tell you you’re special. But she’s like well, do this:

Pick a card that you’d like to reflect your future …

Meditate on it …

And ask the universe to bring you what you wish, in a way that serves your highest good … AND THE GOOD OF THOSE AROUND YOU.

In other words, you don’t have it. And you might not get it.

But hey, you cheeky little monkey, dream big.

I’ll meditate on this one.