The Roaring 2020s

January 1st, 2020, 8:11 AM by Goddess

I’m back! Never left, though. I’m guessing there’s a handful of you who didn’t leave, either. Thank you for being a friend. Or an unfriend. Or a block.

Since we last spoke, I had a pretty good 2018, minus losing my Kadie and having the landlord sell the condo out from under me. But I live in a nice, top-floor unit now. And I get to borrow kitties from the people in my ever-shrinking circle.

My newest love.

2019, I hate to write it off because it was filled with lots of joy until Aug. 3. But I went from having a wonderful person who couldn’t wait to wake up and see me every day to having a troll (not him) who can’t wait to wake up and see me from her 17 social media accounts. That I know of.

It’s OK. She says I was convenient. Easy. But I think she got it backward. I was the challenge, the conquest.

She likes to tell me I was nothing. That I am nothing. That I’ll never be anything. That she is everything and so much more. That now I HAVE nothing. And she’s SO SAD about that. Yawn.

I should share all the screenshots with two tweets, one of her claiming to be caring and compassionate about people who are alone, and the next calling me a delusional, lonely victim who is planning a Disney wedding that will never happen.

We know who’s the real delusional one here. I just hate that the precious few original words she has to offer the world are only crafted to poison herself and others against me.

So when I wonder how I could say and think cruel things, I look at all those screenshots.

And I forgive myself for responding characteristically to uncharacteristic insults.

I don’t think it was that I wasn’t enough. I think I was too much. He would have to move mountains for me, ultimately. Maybe he would have.

I don’t believe in bad timing. We make our own timing. Goldilocks here thinks what we had was just right.

We had a good run. I just wish it ended better.

I thank him for the friendship and all the heart-to-hearts and fun times we had. I’m sorry that I have to see all the details of that time splashed across 17 accounts. Well, sorry that he does nothing to muzzle her or protect me. Or himself. Her tweets and posts under her real name are more bonkers than the ones from the fake accounts.

Yes, I’ve cried oceans. Not over him and certainly not her.

I cried them for the girl who put her heart on the line. Cried for the man I saw beaming and grinning and frolicking with me.

I will always have a special place in my heart for him. For anyone who made me happier, better and stronger. Even if most of that strength wells from the tough times and not the better ones.

In any event, what I learned through all this was that I was stuck. Comfortable. The obstacles that used to annoy me in my path, I started to accept. Because I had someone who made life fun otherwise.

And I can live with rejection. We tried to stay friendly. I wanted him to see what he walked away from.

Then this particular troll dragged me to spiritual rock bottom.

I went against my values a lot in the last fiscal quarter and punched down as she punched up at me. It was easy. But not rewarding to walk in her shoes at all.

Belittling and gaslighting everyone she’s ever met is her sport. One I cannot compete at.

Coming up with witty comebacks or simply struggling to stay silent and watch her embarrass herself (and us) has drained the life out of me.

He picked that. I didn’t.

My 2019 was the best of times and the worst of times. My 2020 is set to see me hanging out with Gatsby-esque types and enjoying the good life.

I still have to work for it. But I’m looking forward to moving to a place where being alive doesn’t feel so much like work.

On this New Year’s Day, I shed my fear of what bullshit awaits. Today, I look eagerly toward what joys the world wants to send my way.

And I accept those joys with an open heart and open hands.

Trolls gonna troll. I’m gonna roll.

I invite you to watch me shine. Because, as sure as the sun rises each day, this Dawn is only going to become more brilliant.