Caterwauling

Buckle up. ‘Cause we are going all the fuck over the board today.

Yucko McFucko

In case you’ve forgotten him, and lord how I’ve tried, I got some gossip yesterday about him. Nasty-ass motherfucker. Ugh. My psychic mom always told me to give him a chance. But he got a little bit too forceful with me once and she gave up the crusade.

I was NEVER a fan and figured he’d be a Stage 5 Clinger. Which, if you know Gemini girls, we prefer to be alone than wish we were.

Well what I learned yesterday would have made potential abuser/clinger seem like fucking heaven in comparison. Fleas … threesomes … hitting on barely legal people … paying for apartments for girls while married to someone else … toenail clipping collection … ugh.

Like my friend CK used to say, he’s the kind who’s fine with two tits, a hole and a heartbeat. And as I want to add here, heartbeat optional.

I need several hot showers. And I didn’t even let him touch me.

Mercury retrograde

We are in the shadow period of a three-planet retrograde cycle starting at month-end. This one is set to bring all things old into light. But not the “bad” old things. Just unfinished business.

And who has more unfinished business than me, the goddess of all things but especially relationships and other general procrastination?

I have a FB message from one of my lost loves. He was looking for my new address. I never gave it. (It’s been six months — I finally read the message this week.)

It could have been so he could send me a Christmas card. Maybe it was for something way more special.

Somehow I prefer not knowing. That way I can leave it in my imagination. Where it belongs.

Vacation, all I ever wanted

You read that right. After four years of giving up 28 vacation days, I am taking two next week. Wednesday and Thursday.

I will work from a hotel on Friday. Which isn’t fun but I also don’t want to screw over my favorite helper by being AWOL on the most-insane day of the week.

Mom, who’s sick and can’t walk 20 paces without being in pain, suggested going to Epcot for a day. I mean, I have to drop her off at store entrances and she’s winded by the time I find the one item I can afford inside Whole Foods. So, this will be interesting.

My favorite ride Soarin’ is closed for repairs and the Food & Wine Festival isn’t happening till the fall. But still.

I don’t know if this is a good sign or a last hurrah. But count me in.

Friends

I found out one of my friends has been battling breast cancer. But I’ve got so much going on that no one wanted to burden me with it.

Memo to friends: I’d rather hear from you than the users and abusers who think my job is to listen to them whine. Help a girl keep her priorities straight, please.

Today would be the 40th birthday of one of my college friends. Who died from breast cancer many years ago. What I wouldn’t give to have known so I could have told her I loved her.

Also — talk about good friends. A bunch of us met up yesterday and we were talking about all of us heading north where they live. But unknown to me, they all asked each other, “Is Goddess still driving her grandfather’s car? Let’s pick a place close to her so she doesn’t have to be on the road very long.”

I don’t know whether to be touched or embarrassed. I’m going with touched. Who else would think that way, other than my friends?

Even though I said that was unnecessary and I’d go to the ends of the earth to meet them, well, I appreciated it more than they could ever know.

Two pennies

When we all parted ways, I stayed behind for a little while longer. Had to find mom some dinner since I was away all day and she won’t feed herself. Took a long walk around Downtown and ended up on a little wooden bridge over a little wishing well type thing.

I had two pennies on me. I tossed one in and did my usual wish for mom’s health to improve. It’s every waking thought in my head. (Other than the ones where I let myself wonder what life will be like when this is no longer an issue. Upon which I want to kill myself for going there.)

My second penny was going to be the same.

But then the most adorable little girl walked past me. Tiny and cute. She actually said “excuse me” and waved at me once she got across the bridge.

Kids don’t do that around here. They are usually spoiled little assholes who are driving brand-new Beamers and Audis by their 16th birthdays.

And it got me to thinking — after our conversations earlier in the day — how much I miss love.

Three out of the four of us were dating/married to someone at work. Each of us lived through a layoff or firing of some sort. Each total bullshit when you think of the Soccer Ball to the Skull types who hang in there.

Two of the three of us had the relationships outlast the decisions that were made for us.

I was not in the majority.

Sure, we kept it going. For a while. But he was a gentleman who wanted to pay for things so the get-togethers got fewer. There were other issues, like the fact that I sort of had a foot out the door already. But, details.

Anyway, I used my second penny to say I’m ready for my next shot at love.

Funny how no one ever knew about that. Or another. Or still another. I don’t talk about them. I had two friends in town recently and they were blown away when I said I was with someone else for X amount of time and that it was over.

They were all like, does a relationship even exist if it’s not on Facebook?

For me, it’s been the only way. But my wish is to have one I feel like I CAN share with the world.

This retrograde cycle is supposed to involve Venus and love. And old hearts and flames. And, I’m hoping, new ones. Many, many new ones …

Just some thoughts  

1. I think I’m back in love with Florida again. At least, the street I work on. It’s my second-favorite festival of the year this weekend. I got some loot I love, including a platinum (!) anchor ring (to match my $5 silver anchor ring) …

  
Thank you, Delray Affair. Next stop: Sunfest!

2. The scale and I are locked in a battle of wills. I didn’t eat much last week and the scale stayed the same. So yesterday I ate an entire pint of Halo Top vanilla bean ice cream and a massive hunk of avocado toast. And I lost a pound … 

  
Schaeffer’s Tea Room is my favorite for avocado toast. Deck 84 is also awesome. This is from Tryst. Not too shabby although I would rather have had turkey bacon than the real thing. 

3. I got to reconnect with an old friend recently. It’s nice how many people visit Florida and actually want to see a gal. It’s also nice that they knew me when I was fun and social so they can put up with the introvert I’ve become. Nicer still that they try to stay in touch when I am so colossally bad at replying. 

4. I’ve been feeling a little bad about my last post. I mean, I don’t want to seem like I want/need people to be going out of their way to do anything for me. But when you get a happy birthday text and then see the next girl getting a happy birthday vacation, well. You know your place in their universe.  It’s been a good reminder to protect my heart. And my money. 

5. Just leaving this here. How is it that my favorite baseball teams train down here every spring and I haven’t gone to see them?!?! Note to self. Go see a grapefruit game or two next year.  

6. April allergy season and sunburns are no fun. But it sure beats “sprinter” — Spring/Winter and the snowy goodness it brings. Ergo, love me some Florida. Crackhead drivers and tourists and residents and all. 

Fat free, salt free, butter free popcorn available. 

1. Day 8 of being sick. But damn did I love working from home. No driving my clunky old car. No fighting with the garage gate. No panicking when I see ticket-happy cops (unless you drive a Benz or Bentley). No almost getting run over as a pedestrian.  No panicking or drama. 

2. Lost 2 pounds. Food just hasn’t appealed. It’s been a lot of eggs and tofu and veggies and soup and fruit this week.  Which is fine by me. 

3. I use the weight watchers app more than Facebook. I love the new Connect feature. It’s Facebook for fat people. All the comments are positive and encouraging. Lots of inspirational before and after photos. But if I’m being honest, most people look better fat. Honestly. I think everyone should be happy at 200 pounds because they generally lose their character below it. 

4. I left Facebook for a while. I only post work stuff and get off. I went back for a minute this week to find out either nobody missed me or noticed I was gone. Except the colleagues near and far who use it to get to me. Which, don’t do that. Please. I am the queen of avoiding people. The phone will go into the ocean next. 

5. Fuck servers who argue with you. Two weeks ago I got raw food at a Mexican place. I told the server. She basically said sucks to be you and wouldn’t make it right. I tipped anyway and she snatched it out from under me. Yesterday I ventured to Lemongrass for soup. There’s an excellent one by work but the one  where I live is subpar. The food was so bad I returned it. Instead of saying sorry or whatever, the hostess argued with me for 20 minutes that she doesn’t believe I’m a a regular customer at the good location. Wtf. 

6. I think the upstairs neighbor died. Or had his toilet removed. Or got carpet. Because I barely heard him the past three days. However he still goes in all his drawers and drops bowling balls at 11:30-ish when I’ve been asleep for five minutes. And I can’t ever fall back. So he’s still alive for me to kill him. 

7. Republicans scare me. Republican  voters scare me. And I’m surprisingly irritated by Sanders supporters. I like him ok but fuck everyone and their free college and a pending 50% tax rate. I already support the rich and the poor and don’t have enough left over to take care of my own. 

8. Having no commute and no need to shower is what I want  in a state that’s not Florida. Or a United state, for that matter. Prepare the guest room, my international friend. If/when something happens to mom (and I think that day is uncomfortably close), you’re my first call. 

I don’t even know where to begin today.

1. It’s International Peace Day. Quick, someone tell my neighbors.

2. Someone has shit-stirred. And I’m not sure whether it’s a recent stirring (i.e., to get a reaction out of me now) or whether it’s an old, crusty, pot of dried-up turds (i.e., it was done long ago and I’m only now hearing about it). Either way, in your dreams, dirtballs of the world.

2.a. I’ve done better. So much better. The best, actually. No need for me to slum it, thankyouverymuch.

3. Carly Fiorina is the devil. As if we didn’t know that when she got her ass handed to her by $HPQ. As someone said, if she wanted to run Planned Parenthood into the ground, she should have just become its CEO.

4. Scott Walker is out of the race. Speaking of race, that same someone said Scott Walker is what happens if a racist fucks a manila envelope. Sounds about right.

5. Take Ted Cruz with you. Or Eddie Munster. Or Count Chocula. (Have you ever seen them all in the same room? I think not.)

6. And Marco Rubio. Because, that kind of batshit belongs in Florida where he can only fuck up one state and not 50. This is me taking one for the team, you know.

7. Some people need to lose my number. Seriously. Please. I beg. I’d beg on my knees but they’d like me on my knees. Which, don’t make me use teeth. I will, you know.

Here we go.

Neighbors haven’t died from my death stare yet. Or from me standing on a ladder and shouting “Shut up!” and “Be quiet!” through the vents. Of course, they can’t hear me over the banging and now the rap music they play at all hours now.

***

I dredged up an old text I tried to put out of my mind a long time ago. I am sure I had my reasons. Sleeping dogs and lying and all that jazz. Now I’m sure backlash awaits. In several forms.

***

Toof. Hurts. Someone get mom some healthcare so I can feel worthy of using mine while I still have it.

***

The guy who cleans my work building is on Day 2 of a two-week vacation. The secret bathroom he gave me access to is so secret, his backup guy hasn’t found it yet. It’s like my Calico Maddie came back from beyond and started wiping her ass on the walls again. It’s that gross.

***

I don’t understand why vacations are only for slackers or the unemployed. If I don’t get a break before things explode later this year … oh who am I kidding. Last “vacation” I had was … um, shit. Can’t recall.

***

I’m terrified the neighbors will squat when their lease is up. Or that the HOA has lied through their teeth and I’m stuck with these mofos. Whom I have named. And these are not flattering names. And I will probably call them those names to their fugly little faces.

***

I’m finding that the older I get, the harder it is to hogtie my Inner Bitch in the trunk. She will reach out and punch someone in a heartbeat. And if I don’t let her, she kicks me in the shin while she struggles.

***

I try to tell myself that I’m relatively healthy and sane and I eat well and life could be worse. And generally I can see my friends being happy and be happy for them. But at some point, how can one help but wonder why some people are so happy that there isn’t enough of the real stuff left over for the rest of us.

***

I need a break. From everything. And I do mean everything. Did I say everything? Ev. Ree. Thing.

I don’t remember my dreams that often. That’s probably because I have banshees upstairs and sleep is a thing of the past. (I called the cops on them three times last night. Who keeps fighting after the cops leave?!)

In any event, I dreamed that I had brand-new twin boys with a guy who looks like Chris Hemsworth. And my company was upset that I was going to be having a life and not spending as much time there, so they hired a hitman and shot him and one of the boys.

I realized that they were firing at “Chris,” who was holding both boys, and I threw myself over them to shield them. But when I looked up, two out of three were dying and I was bleeding too.

I don’t know what happened to me physically, but I knew I had amnesia. And that these people meant a lot to me somehow. And I knew that I needed to name the surviving twin after “Chris” but I could not for the life of me remember his name.

I think I ended up naming the boy Cooper because I thought that’s what “Chris'” name was, but I could never be sure.

And that’s interesting how my subconscious is convinced that any chance I have at happiness will be taken away from me somehow.

And what woke me up, you ask? Well, the banshees started screaming, of course.

I try so hard to be positive and only surround myself with good people, good energy and good things. But not even being able to relax at night is setting the tone for nothing but bad days, and now worse nights ahead.

My emotions are all over the place today.

I hugged Mom goodbye this morning and got that same horrible, horrible feeling I got when I saw my grandparents alive for what would be one of the last times.

She called me on the way to work today — and she does NOT like me talking on the phone and driving. So, it has to be An Occasion for that to happen.

I admit, for the past two years, every time the phone rings and I see “Momma” on the screen, I am terrified it will be a goodbye because her body can’t take the sickness anymore.

She was mostly fine today. I told her my fear and she said with her dizzy spells and heart and brain attacks, she won’t be able to figure out how the phone works. She can barely do that when she has control of her senses.

The feeling I got earlier, though, was confirmed by one of my boys from afar who said he just lost his grandfather. I love that he thought enough to tell me. I love that he just got back home and could be there in his final hours and to support his beloved parents.

His mom is sickly, too. We bond over that. I’m his younger, healthier mom-type person. But we know, there ain’t nothing like the real thing.

I posted an article on Faceypages yesterday about some tech companies now paying for women to store their eggs — encouraging them to focus on their career and delay the mommmyhood track.

Hell I did that thanks to the Pill and a whole lot of luck. 🙂 But I was telling Mom, even if I’d frozen my eggs, when the fuck would I have time off for good behavior to have a kid?

We’d be scrambling those eggs — my Momma, for saying she won’t eat breakfast food, makes some pretty kickass breakfasts for me.

OK, ew. 🙂

In any event, her one regret in life (and she has thousands, don’t get me wrong) is that she may not live to see me have a kid. Which, I told her if that’s what she’s hanging on for, she’s going to around forever.

That’s the thing. I couldn’t do it without her. Not just as an emotional support but OH MY GOD the free babysitting so I can work my schedule and do my other things I just can’t let go of.

This is all making me just a little weepy today. I mean, I wouldn’t trade my life because I know it could get worse as much as it could get better.

But as I keep hearing about people getting health coverage just because they happen to work even if they’re not good at anything, and people getting healthcare simply because they married someone with it, I’m a little bit annoyed that my momma — who is my full-time CHAMPION — gets zip for her trouble.

Had such a good day yesterday. This afternoon, however, brought a couple of un-publishable blog posts that are now sitting in my draft folder.

Just a couple, as I was busy un-screwing up what was screwed up. And everyone thought I was behind BEFORE! *muahahahahaaaa*

Unrelated, more work is coming. But there’s a calvary that comes with this installment. And thank God because my capacity is pretty stretched. Maybe these folks won’t kill me.

Maybe.

Also unrelated (perhaps), someone noted my humor or soul or whatever has been a little bit darker lately. I think I feel like I became myself, in all her outspoken and crass and flawed and yet POWERFUL glory, again recently.

Also unrelated, perfect spelling and grammar and proper A.P. Style make me, like, wring-out-the-panties hot. Which we knew. The good/bad news (depending) is, no one within 1,000 miles is in any danger of making THAT happen.

Back to work …

This week I:

• Went to lunch with a wallet from which I’d forgotten that I had removed my credit cards.
• Broke the rearview mirror.
• Lost my shoe in the rain and couldn’t recover it from the quicksand.
• Cried a whole lot.

This weekend I:

• Fixed the reariew mirror.
• Returned to look for the lost shoe. I did not find it but I did leave with a shoe on each foot.
• Bought two cute leather jackets for fall. And a dress to save for a special occasion.
• Said a lot of things I needed to say. Without fear, judgment or repercussion.

The good thing about me is I get emotional exactly 12 times a year. Kind of like my 12 days of Christmas, only mine happen every 28 days. (And best present ever, by the way. The joy of knowing one is not knocked up, yes, but also the excuse to be oneself.)

I feel like I aged a year in the last seven days, and I certainly look it. But I earned every damn gray hair on my head and I will wear it like a badge of honor.

I want to meet those people who bound out of bed every day, feeling fully rested after a deep and peaceful slumber and who cannot wait to experience all the adventures their day holds in store. And I want to kick their asses up and down the Beltway.

I think I need a new everything.