Caterwauling

My bestie (a thousand miles away) sent Christmas breakfast to mom and me from a local establishment. That was a sweet surprise, and the right way to start off Christmas.

I got to talking with her about my last decade or so of Christmases.

I wasn’t at home on Christmas Day for most of them. Spent a few in Vegas. Then spent a bunch in Philadelphia. Those were my favorites. I’d stay with a friend, and we’d day-trip to NYC to have lunch with Uncle Bobby and then night-trip to have dinner with her family at the best Italian restaurant under the sun. We hit the Christmas markets in both cities, and it was the best.

That friendship fell by the wayside and I spent those next Christmases locally, outside the home.

What strikes me most is how I was part of two or three families, but not. And how different my own is. I like everyone in the room. Always did, though. At least here, that will never change.

Our tradition in my home has been to celebrate Christmas after the actual day. So it was strange to be home this time. But pandemic or not, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

Just like my family always did a #happydance to see me, I do one because I still have my Mom with me. My good friends down here weren’t so lucky, and we all feel that unimaginable void today.

I don’t know what Christmas future holds, but I do know that it’s time to prepare the now-traditional 12/26 lasagna!

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I’ve looked at love that way.

So many things I would have done

But clouds got in my way

That time when I contemplated opening up my social media again and pulled The Devil, Three of Swords and The Chariot.

TL;DR: Hard pass, G.

That’s what set me off in the first place. I was trying to lie low and basically fuck off. But I got a follow that started a series of events that turned any shitheel feelings into irreverence.

I didn’t realize that till the same entity tried again to get my attention the same way.

Interesting how they have to bother me to come play with them. Hard p…

This time, the part of me that once again wanted to point out their lack of understanding, suddenly didn’t need to.

Funny how the second tag pushed me out of the very rabbit hole it was meant to suck me back into.

I lost a friendship that will never come back for as long as this continues. Or maybe ever.

Maybe next lifetime, possibly.

That’s the alpha and omega, bookended by tweets.

The building manager saw me throwing away trash with my mask and gloves on. Because that is what life has fucking become.

He was joking around and asks if I know anyone with coronavirus. I said yes. He kept joking. He said did they die and I said yes.

He kept joking and I forgive him because I know he’s got about six out of nine chickie nuggies in his happy meal.

But I realized, no one here takes it seriously because no one has lost anyone to it. It’s just a stupid Democrat hoax to all of them.

I said please take care of yourself. There are morons in masks and no gloves, physically pushing past me in stores and reaching over me when I bend down to get something off a low shelf. Nobody here has any goddamn sense. Please have some sense. This shit is real.

I said this isn’t going to peak down here in the Florida hotspots for another two to three weeks. I bet we don’t get back to normal till September. Quit standing so close to all the girls, OK? I know we’re cute and all, but we ain’t worth it.

He laughed, and said OK and be well.

I guess maybe his heart grew three chickie nuggies this day. Let’s hope.

Perhaps the only reason I’d call myself OK right now is because I get out of the house nearly every day, to interact with animals.

Also, it’s good to see Florida still hustling and bustling. I mean, it isn’t — good, that is.

My governor is loath to lock us down and people don’t have enough sense to lock themselves down.

But seeing sunshine and people not too worried about life has been oddly refreshing.

I wish coronavirus never had to happen. And I am not one to say things happen for a reason. There isn’t always a reason.

Sometimes they just happen and it sucks. So you either get through/past it — and you grow from it — or you don’t. Dealer’s choice.

I’ve been turning into a salt pillar, in a few ways. Not reading certain social media. It ain’t that snark and smug superiority I miss. Or being typed at like I’m a 6-year-old.

Hard pass, Grimace.

As if it wasn’t hard enough waiting 45 years to open up my heart to someone, and for what?

But I do miss everything else.

Now that being completely discombobulated is happening to everyone else, I feel like I’m in good company.

I won’t say what drastic things I’ve done to help me cope. But let’s just say I have my magic ways. And my magic tarot deck.

* I pulled the Six of Wands today. The victory card. If you look at the card, he’s just won a battle. I think he’s on his way to one. And homey ain’t playin’. He left behind a lot of things he loved, in search of the things he’ll love and the tribe who will love him. YOU ARE DONE MAKING MOVES OUT OF FEAR. YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY THE WAY OTHER PEOPLE SEE YOU.

* I pulled The Fool yesterday. He’s not naive — he’s seen some shit and he’s frolicking off to do whatever the fuck it was that he was put on this earth to do. He’s remembering who he wanted to be before all y’all told him what you think he is and what y’all told him he can or cannot be/do. DOORS ARE OPENING. FORGETTING IS THE ULTIMATE SKILL; YOU CAN CREATE FREELY NOW.

* I pulled the Queen of Pentacles before that. She is done with surviving. She’s thriving. She’s releasing others’ definition of her. She’s the wild woman of the deck — she is mother and psychic healer and light worker and lover and guess what? SHE IS SHOWING UP FOR WHAT IS HERS, AND SHE IS ASKING FOR MORE THAN SHE THOUGHT SHE WAS EVER WORTHY OF HAVING.

The golden thread?

She’s done some shit. People think she needs to feel a certain way about it. They haven’t seen the good she’s capable of because even she’s pushed that aside to deal with all the other stuff. And guess what? She was always worth more than they thought … than SHE thought. And you can’t manifest what you don’t think you’re worthy of.

I mean, look at all these people with great mates, money, homes, whatever. They think they deserve it all. You have dipshits running around worshiping at their idiot altars. Or maybe it’s all their bots or fake accounts “liking” them.

Wait till these fuckers pull the Tower card and the Wheel and a Five of Wands.

I already pulled all those bad cards myself, and here I am. Running up the seventh floor. Knocking the eleventh door. I’ma sick of trying. Baby could you love me some more?

In any event, life’s about to change again. I have a really hard week ahead. Hard road.

But the Six of Wands calls for balance between what calms you and what excites you.

The Fool said be a writer, lady. It’s time.

And the Queen of Coins says you’ve suffered enough actual fools. Let the cream rise to the top and let the spoiled milk curdle.

God willing, Imma find that missing cup in the wall of the Eight of Cups.

Now to parlay a legacy out of all this.

Was trying to strike the right tone on a coronavirus article.

So I thought, well, what are people going through in my circle?

* They’ve lost an income or two, their ability to pay April rent, their freedom to go for a walk. Their daily Starbucks. Their social life.

* They’re homeschooling their kids for the first time. My friend said it’s harder to find sidewalk chalk than TP.

* They’re 330,000th in line for a test. Testing started yesterday and we only have 750 a day to administer. By appointment. In the Florida heat.

* Their mom is in a nursing home and they have to stand outside the window to wave at her. They had to deliver a TV for her because she didn’t have one in her room, and she couldn’t even give a thank-you hug.

* You cannot tell me stores aren’t raising prices. I just paid $25 for TP and paper towels. Four rolls of each. From highway robbery to grand larceny in one sneeze.

* You also cannot tell me that the hospital by me with an empty parking lot isn’t filled beyond capacity.

* I know an employee who is terrified of getting fired for bringing in his own PPE. And wondering how to get by if he has to leave for some reason (quitting or worse).

* And don’t even get me started about living one mile downwind from a crematorium when they start shipping bodies (with forklifts, a friend up north was telling me, in his area, because there are so many).

* They can’t get through to the unemployment hotline and it’s not like you can stand in line anymore. So hey investors, jobless claims were pretty good at 3.3 million last week.

* With orders to stay indoors extending into June, everyone’s mental and physical well-being is at stake.

I said we could just run this:

ETA: Someone took this as meaning I wanted them to get a divorce. It was about my JOB, you fool.

There’s a poem on my Faceypages wall that starts:

“If you ever closed your legs to a man you loved

“Opened them to one you didn’t …”

Good reminder that I’m far from the first person to make hard choices in the name of happiness.

Of course, I’ll wonder from time to time what life would have been like. Heck, that shit backed up on me for about 15 minutes this morning.

It passed.

After all, I no longer wonder about when the bullshit would have culminated. Even more than it already had.

I thanked my friend at lunch yesterday. She always told me never stay for anyone but you. When a door opens and it will make you better, happier — walk through it. There will be consequences either way. And there will also be growth, if you choose it.

Reminds me of something I told someone a long time ago. There is no right or wrong choice. There’s what you want to do, and what you think you should do. If you’re lucky, they are the same. If you’re really lucky, you’ll be happy with your choice.

Look. I will always love what I left.

Who I left.

But I have a lot more love to give and receive.

It’s nice to be doing both on the flip side.

It’s the official first day of my new life.

Bought a new dress and everything.

From Macy’s. May it soon rest in peace.

Macy’s, not the Tommy dress.

In any event, I’ve gotten well wishes today from seven old colleagues.

I rode out on a parade float. Could not have asked for a better job, boss or send-off.

My cup ranneth over when a friend saw I left behind my blue butterfly. Asked if she could have it. I was so touched.

I said yes and take something else I left because that’s even more you.

I left a couple other things too. So bittersweet to hear of people wandering in, seeing my beloved space empty and feeling sad at my absence.

It didn’t have to be this way.

But it is.

Funny how things happen that you never think will change you. But they end up changing everything.

Like your peace. Your patience. Your values. The way you look at certain people and situations.

Today I thank the universe for all the gifts it has given me. Even the gifts I’ve returned or that otherwise opted to go to the recycle bin, dumpster fire or wherever previously loved things go.

Thank you for serving your purpose. And leading me closer to mine.

And an unexpected cheers to the old friends who have come back into my life either because of my life change or simply as a sign that I’m on a good path.

There are more of those than I expected here. And one fewer where I was.

Left behind everything and everyone I loved.

But sometimes you have to make decisions that break your heart to give your soul peace.

Fair trade.

No secrets. No shame.

Never were. Never will be.

Feel free to watch me shine.

Oh wait, I always am.

With a H/T to Tom B. because, genius.

1. Completely out of fucks to give.

2. The backorder is being ignored.

3. The distributor went out of business due to tariffs.