There’s a “One Morning, She Woke Up Different” meme that’s made the rounds a million times.
As I prepare for a full day of flying, I realize it’s not that I woke up different one day.
It’s that I wake up different every day.
And eventually, all those new days build upon the last.
It’s especially evident when I return from each trip that I’m different.
A lot different.
I hardly travel to seek perspective. I got enough perspective right where I’m planted, thanks. A front-row seat to how people elevate themselves and others at every expense.
If anything, the further away I am, the clearer and cleaner the air is. And when I return, I bring some of that mountain air with me.
Today, as I sit in the tiny airport that’s about to become even more familiar, I realize I have finally gotten the life I wanted.
It is mine. Literally mine. All mine.
I thought of someone who would love this adventure. I wondered what the adventure would be like, if this were the life he chose too.
But then I think about my friend I just went to visit. How we all thought my guy was the better man. How hers ended up being the most stand-up one out of them all.
And I realize, the life I chose is choosing me back. And there’s only one ticket to ride.
Maybe it’s not that I woke up different today. Maybe it’s just that I woke up and remembered who I am and where I was going in the first place.
I’d say we are on the cusp of world war, but no world is coming to save us.
People are being attacked and dying abroad because of my idiot orange-hued neighbor.
Planes are being shot out of the sky. As I throw last-minute items into my suitcase.
I wasted the last third of 2019 being in my head, wondering why I had to be the casualty in other people’s wars on themselves. I don’t want to worry away 2020, wondering when Mar-a-Lago is going to get nuked.
In any event, before I board/land, I have one thing to say.
I need to revise an earlier statement. He didn’t break my heart.
I break my own heart, time and again. I ain’t sharing that credit with anyone.
I was disappointed, yes. Surprised. Mystified, even. But not broken.
I also wish I hadn’t said she terrorized me. That isn’t true. What she doesn’t know is that I saw her out in public. Twice. But I didn’t approach. I think the fear was what would happen there.
What I didn’t expect was that I saw someone I have some things in common with. Someone who has what she says she wants. Someone who has things that are not meant for me. Someone who, if I were to be 100% honest, really had nothing to worry about with me for reasons they will never know.
In any event, I wanted to travel again. I got my wish. Just a shame that I share an airport with the dumbass with an $80 million bounty on his head.
Just gonna breathe and pray for an uneventful flight. All other blessings are a bonus. And I’ll cherish them all.
I often wonder why people don’t leave relationships that aren’t working for them.
They look at me and wonder why I DO leave when all is well … and whatever isn’t perfect is fixable.
Like today. When everyone learned I am leaving my longest-term relationship.
Something else came along. As those do; I’m a popular girl.
I hope everyone knows that I was filled with so much love. That I AM filled with love.
I finally have something that’s mine. Yet I’m stepping onto the trapeze, with my toes barely hanging and the next bar not yet in my grasp. And I’m reaching for it.
“I don’t know if I can stand Another hand upon you All I know is that I should.”
— “Where I Stood,” Missy Higgins
Today, everyone is saying I’m an idiot to leave. They were right last time at first. But ultimately I proved them wrong. I’m hoping they are wrong this time, too.
If he’d never broken my heart …
If she’d never terrorized me …
Would I have gone on that date that led to me saying yes to something completely different … and hopping on a plane in two sleeps to officially kick off this new relationship?
No.
But he did … she did … and I did.
I guess some people try to fix broken marriages and relationships. They have their reasons. Some I even understand.
Meanwhile, others like me leave great ones. When nothing is even broken.
I made my lists. Why stay, why go? The lists were perfectly even.
He didn’t understand why I didn’t pick him. I don’t fully understand my choice, either. But the fact that I even made a list, told me how to choose.
When you have two loves, go for the second.
I just hope that, finally, this is the one that chooses me back.
I’m back! Never left, though. I’m guessing there’s a handful of you who didn’t leave, either. Thank you for being a friend. Or an unfriend. Or a block.
Since we last spoke, I had a pretty good 2018, minus losing my Kadie and having the landlord sell the condo out from under me. But I live in a nice, top-floor unit now. And I get to borrow kitties from the people in my ever-shrinking circle.
My newest love.
2019, I hate to write it off because it was filled with lots of joy until Aug. 3. But I went from having a wonderful person who couldn’t wait to wake up and see me every day to having a troll (not him) who can’t wait to wake up and see me from her 17 social media accounts. That I know of.
It’s OK. She says I was convenient. Easy. But I think she got it backward. I was the challenge, the conquest.
She likes to tell me I was nothing. That I am nothing. That I’ll never be anything. That she is everything and so much more. That now I HAVE nothing. And she’s SO SAD about that. Yawn.
I should share all the screenshots with two tweets, one of her claiming to be caring and compassionate about people who are alone, and the next calling me a delusional, lonely victim who is planning a Disney wedding that will never happen.
We know who’s the real delusional one here. I just hate that the precious few original words she has to offer the world are only crafted to poison herself and others against me.
So when I wonder how I could say and think cruel things, I look at all those screenshots.
And I forgive myself for responding characteristically to uncharacteristic insults.
I don’t think it was that I wasn’t enough. I think I was too much. He would have to move mountains for me, ultimately. Maybe he would have.
I don’t believe in bad timing. We make our own timing. Goldilocks here thinks what we had was just right.
We had a good run. I just wish it ended better.
I thank him for the friendship and all the heart-to-hearts and fun times we had. I’m sorry that I have to see all the details of that time splashed across 17 accounts. Well, sorry that he does nothing to muzzle her or protect me. Or himself. Her tweets and posts under her real name are more bonkers than the ones from the fake accounts.
Yes, I’ve cried oceans. Not over him and certainly not her.
I cried them for the girl who put her heart on the line. Cried for the man I saw beaming and grinning and frolicking with me.
I will always have a special place in my heart for him. For anyone who made me happier, better and stronger. Even if most of that strength wells from the tough times and not the better ones.
In any event, what I learned through all this was that I was stuck. Comfortable. The obstacles that used to annoy me in my path, I started to accept. Because I had someone who made life fun otherwise.
And I can live with rejection. We tried to stay friendly. I wanted him to see what he walked away from.
Then this particular troll dragged me to spiritual rock bottom.
I went against my values a lot in the last fiscal quarter and punched down as she punched up at me. It was easy. But not rewarding to walk in her shoes at all.
Belittling and gaslighting everyone she’s ever met is her sport. One I cannot compete at.
Coming up with witty comebacks or simply struggling to stay silent and watch her embarrass herself (and us) has drained the life out of me.
He picked that. I didn’t.
My 2019 was the best of times and the worst of times. My 2020 is set to see me hanging out with Gatsby-esque types and enjoying the good life.
I still have to work for it. But I’m looking forward to moving to a place where being alive doesn’t feel so much like work.
On this New Year’s Day, I shed my fear of what bullshit awaits. Today, I look eagerly toward what joys the world wants to send my way.
And I accept those joys with an open heart and open hands.
Trolls gonna troll. I’m gonna roll.
I invite you to watch me shine. Because, as sure as the sun rises each day, this Dawn is only going to become more brilliant.
Dreamer, achiever, Gemini and spirit-guided soul, 30-ish, living at the beach in South Florida. For more about life, leadership and love, e-mail adrasteia (at) this domain.
