Another shot at success or regret

July 22nd, 2017, 6:20 PM by Goddess

My second frog returned to propose again with a bigger ring.

Admittedly, I had said another carat and I’m yours.

I knew he’d never go for it.

But he did go a half-carat higher.

Well, a half-carat higher … accompanied by a request for daily BJs.

I mean, I guess I figured there’d be an extra string attached, sure. But I also thought I was worth some more sparkle.

And let’s be honest. It was never about the sparkle.

2 princes 

July 18th, 2017, 5:42 AM by Goddess

Well. Two frogs. Let’s be clear about that from the outset. 

I’ve been driving myself batshit for a week. Listing two sets of pros and cons. The list is absolutely equal. 

Nothing stands out that’s great. The rest is shit soufflé vs. shit on a croissant.  I wonder if the coin-flip result will simply come from my need to cut carbs. 

I deserve to be blessed with choices. That’s the upshot. Unfortunately, someone’s gonna get hurt. And I am 100% aware that that person is me. 

If I pick prince #1, do I murder him on sight in a week? Or if I pick prince #2, the lesser-known evil but stlll evil and maybe even more so, would I die a thousand deaths because my first pick won’t take me back?

I know life is all about choices. I just don’t see giving up a good thing unless it’s for a great thing. But nothing lasts forever. Least of all happiness. 

Send prince-picking vibes today, if you’re so inclined. I want a good date this weekend. 


July 12th, 2017, 6:25 AM by Goddess

I never have the right words at the exact moment I need them. 

A guy ran his dog into the ducks I was feeding. I flipped out and he was so defensive, he made it seem like my fault. 

My fear at him siccing that foul beast on me or mom kept me from really reading him off. But boy do I have a thousand snappy comebacks … now. 

Same for getting a message kicked off with “poor me.” Followed with a lie. And punctuated by an accusation. 

My instant mental reply was “read that back and you’ll have all the answers you need.” My actual reply, to move on with my day. 

Among many responses in my brain is that I ruined a good thing to choose that instead. I’d give anything to go back to that concert that I ended up spending focused on my phone. Ignoring the good thing I had right there with me, for what I didn’t ask for. And how the latter monopolized my time and how I allowed it to. 

How if I could do it all over again … I just wouldn’t

What no longer serves you?

July 8th, 2017, 3:07 PM by Goddess

I figure since I keep paying for Weight Watchers, I should at least listen to Oprah’s podcasts. 

So glad I did. 

In one, she talked about releasing what no longer serves us. Like, gee, our weight. And maybe we struggle so much because it still serves us in some way. 

She said she can hide behind it, to seem smaller in a way … shrinking from serving a greater known purpose. 

Whoa. Ding ding ding!

I’m terrified of the same thing. People keep their expectations low of fat girls. So I can and do always exceed them. I like that almost as much as I like chocolate cake. 

I buy really good fucking cake.

Cake serves me in that mom loves it and I love to make her happy. I love the store that sells it, and going there gets me out of the office for a half-hour a week. Eating it makes me feel happy and signals that you’ve eaten enough today, Tubbo. No more chewing after you’ve snarfed in the last chocolate chip or dollop of fudge. 

But back to the weight, I use it to justify lack of the job title I want (and do think I deserve). 

I fear relationships and use my size to keep from putting myself out there. I mean, I have mom to take care of. What mental resources do I have to devote to anyone else and still dote on myself from time to time, too?

I could go on. But thinking about this is helping me. I mean, do I really need what I carry around every minute of every day? 

It’s more than weight. Does this car serve me? (For now.) This apartment? (God no.) The men who let me get away? (Hah.) This job? (Yes.)  Etcetera. 

Lots to think about. But mostly that you can’t release something until you’re ready. And sometimes life decides you’re ready before you do. I’d rather part ways with the weight on my terms. But damn, I want some cake first …

Fourscore and seven years ago

June 18th, 2017, 11:03 AM by Goddess

Well it feels like fourscore. But it was only seven.

Facebook reminds me of a work trip to Philly, and a weekend in Wildwood Crest, N.J. I’ll always remember.

A friend invited us to stay with him. Then when we got there, he said nope — can’t stay here. But I called this oceanfront motel and got you a room.

He neglected to say he wasn’t paying for the room. Or that it would cost me more than $500, in addition to the rental car the company wasn’t covering because the work was done.

But I finally got to see a real boardwalk. And have a real weekend off. And I could finally say I’d gotten to the Atlantic City area.

I don’t have a ton to say. Just that I had just switched jobs, was making good money, liked what I was doing and got to travel.

Those were the days.

How far away they feel.