Is bitchslapping an appropriate use of a sage wand?

August 30th, 2012, 1:15 PM by Goddess

Severe burnout. Network errors. Pile of to-dos bigger than my ass is wide. Oh the humanity.

So I’ve successfully avoided (without even trying, really. Phone’s on and nobody’s using it) he who has now become the world’s least-reliable friend. Until today, that is.

I mean, I’ve avoided him, not that he’s become reliable!

It was pleasant enough of an exchange. I was head-scratching over the truthiness of part of it, but as it doesn’t affect my life, I let it go. Really, if that’s what gets you to sleep at night, you enjoy that.

As for me, I’ll be adding “liar” to the list of WHY I NEED TO WAVE A SAGE WAND AROUND MY LIFE. If I don’t bitchslap him with it first.

My feeling is that he wants me to maintain a certain perception of him, and the fact is, it’s gone. Why try to string me along? Not interested. Don’t flatter yourself. EVER. AGAIN.

You might as well tell me the truth. If you keep making plans with me and breaking them, stop it with the damn excuses because I already know not to rely on you anymore. And if you’re going to lie about other, unrelated dumb shit, Jesus. Get right with God — quit bothering me!!!

And frankly, there are two bigger truths to all of this. Maybe three. One is confirmed, one is obvious and one just makes sense. All will be revealed later. But let me say that I have certain other types of friends who rate higher on the reliability scale, and that’s not saying much.

So today brought an “Oh hey this event is happening and I thought of you.” Me: “Oh that’s nice of you to think of me.” In my head, I debated whether to go to it … ALONE.

Then I get a, “Well, if I’m not catering to Raggedy Ass all weekend, I’ll call you and we can go.”

Hah.

I said, “So, do you ever do anything YOU want to do on the weekends?”

He said no.

I said something sarcastic about oh yeah I’ll go ahead and wait for THAT call. But the sarcasm I think was missed. “OK great, I’ll let you know!” he said.

ZOMG.

Seriously.

This isn’t funny. This isn’t fun. It was flattering for four seconds that he thought of something so very ME and wanted to take me TO it.

And that’s about as long as it lasted.

If he’s on dumbass pills, I won’t be able to tell when they wear off because he’s acting like he’s on a permanent high.



Battening the snatches

August 25th, 2012, 11:10 AM by Goddess

Tropical Storm Isaac is hitting town. The lightning storms of the past couple of nights have been beautiful, and it was lovely hearing the torrential downpour all last night.

I think that’s about the worst of it for us. *knock on wood* — no wood so *knocking on head*

So for the past three weekends, a certain person has dangled a certain event in front of me that “we should go” to. I never had high hopes because, well, I know this person.

But I’m also not an asshole and frankly I would not mind spending some time with him. We have nothing but fun when we spend time together, but he makes sure to limit that.

(I seriously hate most of my Florida friends right now. Seriously.)

Besides, should we both finally admit that this entanglement has more than run its course, I want my last memories of him to be better than the ones currently in my head.

And I’m perfectly willing to let him make things better (or, at least, less worse). If he’s like most of the men I’ve known, he’ll come back around in three to five years to say that he was a dumbass to let me go the way he did. That would be the difference between me having a friendly conversation with him someday or me pretending my car is a bowling ball and he’s the pin!

(Of course, he’s told me before that he hates when people are nice to him. And it really bugs him when motorists stop to let him cross the street. So I’m only too happy to NOT stop for him!)

So, said event will never happen. Here’s why …

Week #1, I forget what the excuse was.

Week #2, it was, “Well, we should go next weekend because of this special thing they’re doing.” That note was sent to me the day of said plans.

Week #3 is today. I avoided the issue until yesterday morning, when I sent what I thought was a cute message to see where his widdle head was at.

As I blogged yesterday, I had his excuse ready. I figured his Raggedy Ass ex (so named for her latest red dye job that she called his stupid ass over to come see and he did. Lord) needed to have a bikini wax supervised — hell, I was even going to say, “Are we on or does Raggedy Ass need someone to heat the wax?”

But I really do try to be classy. I don’t know why.

No wonder this didn’t work out — he didn’t even know me. But I digress.

Anyway, Raggedy Ass has a roommate, whom he lets borrow his very sexy car. And he’s always there at their house, it seems — usually fixing shit and running errands for Raggedy Ass and getting drunk and supposedly passing out on the couch.

Which, I really don’t give a fuck anymore and prefer to focus my annoyance on dead-behind-the-eyes Whorothy out in the cornfields that are as scorched as her old-lady cooch.

As my friend Silver Blue noted, at least you know how many men the Titanic went down with — who only knows how many this bitch is fucking.

But wevs, right? Not my problem.

I tend to hate women more than men because we should all KNOW better and try to, if not help each other out, then not act like assholes.

I of course have more class than the two of them combined, and it occurred to me long ago that he just doesn’t feel like he deserves someone youthful and vibrant and funny and successful who doesn’t look like she’s been rode hard and put away wet.

But you know. If he prefers the alcohol-destroyed skin of old girl Whorothy and the bong-wrinkled parentheses around Raggedy Ass’ mouth, hey. YOU ENJOY THAT.

So anyway. I actually do like being his friend. Not to convert him back or anything — but because if you get him away from those crazy bitches, he is a sensitive and caring soul who is as easy as the eyes as he’s been hard on the heart.

I really had thought God had brought me the love of my life with this one. But I see now that He’s simply just making sure that I REALLY appreciate the right one when it comes.

I just don’t get why we can’t actually be friends when, frankly, that’s all that’s there and I don’t demand a fucking thing out of him while those two bitches (both exes who WON’T GO THE FUCK AWAY) boss him around.

Leaves me to wonder whether I’ll ever put my heart out there for someone again, if this is the thanks I get.

Anyway, today’s event. He apparently needs to help Raggedy Ass and her roommate to hurricane-proof her house. Weekend No. 3 that he’s dropped our plans (that were his idea) to go cater to her Raggedy Ass.

He just texted* with an excuse that didn’t make sense. He has more excuses than Whorothy and Raggedy Ass have wrinkles. Not that I expected anything more from him, but still. *double-barreled salute*

*I actually checked my phone 30 seconds before he texted because I felt like he was texting me. I don’t understand this psychic connection we have and frankly I wonder if that’s why I’ve found so many chances to give.

In the meantime, I’ll be trying so hard not to text him back to have fun BATTENING DOWN THE SNATCHES!!!



The succotash, oh how it suffers

August 24th, 2012, 7:43 AM by Goddess

Hour 55 of my captivity.

It still doesn’t feel like work. But next to the “law of diminishing returns” on Wikipedia, I’m pretty sure you could put a photo of my tired eyes and no written explanation would be needed.

I’m giving somebody one last chance to — well, not impress me — NOT piss me off.

I was hell-bent on hatred (and contemplating just how wrong it would be to engage in some healthy “hate sex” to take out my frustrations, and I really don’t care with whom at this point as long as it HAPPENS). But then somebunny had to go and be really fuckin’ nice to me and hinder my hurt just a little bit.

“Why you wanna
Show up in a old t-shirt that I love
Why you gotta tell me that I’m looking good
Don’t know what
You were thinkin’
You were doing
Moving in for a hug
Like you don’t know I’m coming undone
Why you gotta
Why you wanna
Make me keep wanting you?”

– Jana Kramer, “Why Ya Wanna”

Although I’m sure said individual will probably find a new and improved excuse. (Again, continuing the theme of being unavailable for what THEY want to do.) I already have the lame excuse ready to hand said person since I can’t imagine they have any left.

Either way, I will be doing said activity this weekend … and if it’s alone, I can certainly think of worse things.



Confidential to …

August 20th, 2012, 3:20 PM by Goddess

What was I just saying about go-nowhere friendships? I found out that the friend who has been making and canceling plans every weekend and pushing them out one week (for the past three weeks) continues to spend that time returning to the ex who bosses him around and makes him do shit for her.

You know, I was 100% in this for the friendship but, honey, that ain’t the kind of screwing I’m looking for. If you can’t possibly find time to hang out/go to lunch/do fun things WHEN YOU ASK ME but instead cater to her every fucking whim, lose my number. *deleting yours*



God is watching

August 17th, 2012, 5:42 PM by Goddess

Friendly reminder: The more you try to hurt me, the more good-karma points I earn.

Some folks might want to check their own balances, because my points are racking up like a skee-ball game at Chuck E. Cheese and I’m pretty sure others’ surpluses are hurtling toward federal-sized deficits.