‘I am out of my depth at this altitude’

April 23rd, 2017, 8:50 AM by Goddess

“Go ahead and laugh,
even if it hurts,
go ahead and pull the pin.
what if we could risk
everything we have,
and just let our walls cave in?”

— Sleeping at Last, “Heart”

I don’t understand why, when someone decides to leave you, they don’t actually leave.

They hang around. They come around more than they ever did, especially toward the end. The end you saw coming from a thousand nautical miles away.

The end you anticipated with a mixture of dread and relief. A mixture whose percentages you’ll never actually reveal.

You just didn’t know how or when it was going to end.

You knew you’d be hurt and screwed seven ways to Sunday when it did finally come. (And you were sure proven right.)

Yet it still seemed a better, or at least a more-intriguing, option than having to pretend you didn’t notice that everything had changed anyway.

And maybe there’s some “better” to be found when the Everglades stop burning. But it isn’t over. Everything is on fire and they are waiting for a reaction out of you that you are never going to give.

Perhaps the more-appropriate lyric here comes from Phil Collins and Marylin Martin …

“You have no right
To ask me how I feel
You have no right
To speak to me so kind.”

Or not. I don’t think anyone wants to know how I feel right now. More like what do I know and when did I know it. And I’ve spent enough time playing Nancy Drew that I don’t have any more time to devote to anything other than catching up on gobs of lost time.

Just trying to “smile because it happened.” Maybe even laugh, even if it hurts.



March on Mar-a-Lago

February 4th, 2017, 1:33 PM by Goddess

Just having some fun with a few thousand floridians before today’s big event. 

We were asked to share our sign ideas. I’m sure you can see mine in there …



Bonfires

January 30th, 2017, 9:40 AM by Goddess

My date with my 45-year-old-self was prescient. But it wasn’t surprising given the day before.

My to-do list was (is) packed. To the freaking gills.

But I wanted to go to the bonfire that night. They happen every other Friday in winter. The bands usually suck but this time they had a great group I last saw a year ago up in Vero Beach.

My sidekick had the day off. Every time she’s off, I’m stuck there till all hours. I missed the PostSecret event in part because A) too much to do and B) she was out.

(Yes I am still butthurting about that. I’ll get over it after I get over President Shit for Brains.)

In any event, I put “Bonfire” as the seventh item on my to-do list. I did get things done that were on the list after it. But I was determined to go home, grab my Momma, and get us to the beach.

We were late, but we got there.

And so the dream makes sense in that context — no one else was missing their Friday night plans. Why should I?

I made up for it last night, getting done what HAD to get done for this morning. Would have liked to have spent some time calling Little Marco Rubio and asking why the fuck he didn’t stand up to President Snowflake and his Chief Nazi Bannon back when he had the chance. But thank God for the ACLU and the record donations it received to fight these fools’ idiotic decisions.

I have zero doubt this is 100% Bannon, puppeteering the dottering old fool. I’m going to call him president from now on because he’s the real scourge we need to exterminate.

In any event, we’re all gonna die. Go to the damn bonfire. That’s all I’m saying here. And let anyone who worked longer/harder (and can prove it) cast the first stone.



I’d rather host an immigrant than a Trump voter anytime

January 29th, 2017, 8:54 PM by Goddess

Gotta get some professional protesting shoes if shit’s gonna be permanently whack. 



Sometimes you’re the rock; sometimes you’re the river 

January 8th, 2017, 10:34 PM by Goddess

Carrie Fisher said she has two personalities, Roy and Pam. They represent the extremes of mental illness. One is the dinner, she says, and the other is a check. 

I think she died worrying about her mom. I fear I will do the same. 

I’m not kidding. I need to get my affairs in order. Not that mom wouldn’t pull a Debbie Reynolds and die the next day. She totally would. 

Watching them in “Bright Lights” reminded me of us. We sing and laugh all the time too. I just wish, when I was working so hard when I was young, I had amassed wealth like Carrie did. This whole turning the whole paycheck over to the landlord thing is killing me. 

Was telling a friend I know I’ll have to work till I die. But as I age, I want to go see the beach on a weekday. Binge-watch whatever is on my DVR. Ease my aching joints or soul and not have to suck it up and put on makeup and be at a too-early meeting and have to work late to compensate. 

I don’t know that 23-year-old me could have done anything different. Life worked out the way it did. It’s been good. I’ll grant it that. 

But with the Mango Mussolini’s reign about to begin, I think we will see a lot of people losing their will to live or at least to fight. 

I joke that I might as well spend my money now because the world will end. I wonder what would happen if I paid zero taxes like him. 

And I wonder what I could be achieving without getting sucked into stories about how much that dumb fuck sucks. 

And that brings me to this:

http://www.upworthy.com/how-changing-what-i-did-every-day-changed-my-life

Just leaving that here. For whenever I’m not busy being the rock or crying a river. Or both at the same time.