Caterwauling

Sloppy fries at Sloppy Joe’s

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Thanks to a great deal of thinking and some expert advice from someone whose opinion I respect tremendously, I picked my prince.

Now to wait for the ring — er, in this case, letter.

This is the point that I need to be telling people that their princess is off the market. But I’m funny about that. What if things all go ka-plooey and, come that magical start date, I find that I need those gigs I’m giving up?

I’ve pretty much told everyone who needs to know except one. I will have to do that this morning.

I’ve also been working hard this week, minus just giving up early Monday afternoon and zoning out in front of the TV. I was kind of hoping for an easy couple of days. It’s not bad, mind you — just not exactly a vacation. I’ve been at this stupid computer all day, every day, for a year now. I’m just annoyed that I have nothing much to show for my time “off.”

On these same blog pages a year ago, I was ranting that freelance was the only way to go. Boy did I get my comeuppance. *points and laughs*

For the most part, freelancing has gone fine. Really, it’s the “where the fuck is my check?” shit that’s made this impossible. I can count exactly two people who paid on time, every time. (My favorite ex-boss, and my favorite ex-company.)

Other than that, I learned the hard way that money and friends don’t mix. Nobody ultimately gives a shit if you’re out on the streets … even if you earned every penny and more that you were promised but haven’t received … even if their unfulfilled promises are what got you to this absolute breaking point.

It’s also slightly amazing how people will let others treat you, too. Barking you around on a Saturday. Threatening you with “repercussions” when they already haven’t paid you — what, are they gonna kick you in this shin, too? Questioning your hours worked. Lying the ultimate lie: “The check is in the mail.” Lord.

THIS is why I’ve agonized so hard about moving on — I question my decision-making ability, after two failed full-time jobs and a baker’s dozen of hit-or-miss freelance experiences. What if the next full-time gig is another in a seemingly endless series of bad choices?

I take comfort in what The Daily OM said in yesterday’s e-letter:

“It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. …

“It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems—the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present.

Everything will be all right, one way or another. Or I’ll find a way to make it so. I always do.

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I have this very clear memory of being about 5 years old, at our little rowhouse in the ghetto (*deep sigh*), planting apple seeds in hopes of growing an apple tree from them.

I very distinctly recall an invisible being — a spirit guide, if you will — coming up to me and hovering around my left side as I dug in the dirt. (Something I wasn’t allowed to do, but oh well.) He asked me a question that to this day manages to disturb me when I think about it.

The spirit wanted to know that, if I had my choice and had to hurt, would I rather it be physical or emotional?

Maybe I was older than five, or maybe he used words I would have understood at the time, since that’s a loaded question at my current age. But I must have recently gotten a gash or a bruise, because I remember saying, “In my mind, so nobody sees it!”

(My family did not like me doing anything that would result in me being less than perfect. I’m guessing that’s where THAT shit stems from.)

The spirit said OK and left me. I forgot about it till a few years ago. And I often wonder not only why I had to choose, but did I choose correctly?

I think I did. I like having functioning limbs, although the diminished mental capacity from the clusterfuck that is my life hasn’t exactly done wonders for my well-being. I’m tired of being hurt, exhausted, unhappy, frustrated and always longing for something that’s … I dunno … NOT THIS.

I’ve had plenty of interactions with the spirit world since then. No psychic revelations, unfortunately — I’d be too happy to get those. (Dear Higher Self, when am I going to get a job? Please I will give anything to get out of this HELL that we call freelancing. Oh my GOD please make the pain and non-paying clients just STOP already.)

Worth a shot, eh?

I probably made the whole thing up in my head, but I remember everything about the scene. And for what it’s worth, I don’t have it so bad. But it needs to get better from here. I can’t accept any alternatives to that. Spirit guides, let’s go easy on the questions next time and go a little heavier on telling me what I SHOULD be doing, OK?

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Two nights ago, I had the best dream. I had sat down in a restaurant, looked to my left, and saw my grandfather waving at me. I had enough sense in my head to jump up and hug him and tell him how much I love him.

I awoke shortly afterward. I said a little prayer, thanking God for the dream and for being present in it enough to hug him. I haven’t dreamed of him since he left us five years ago. This was good. I was happy. I also thanked God for taking care of him, my grandmother (it was her birthday, oddly enough), my great-grandma and my kitty.

Today when my alarm went off (at 5 a.m. I’ve been working for 12 hours and have a couple more to go), it was a different story today. I was startled, scared and sick. I had a premonition that I immediately told my mom about when she woke up.

The premonition came true just a couple hours later.

I was just typing the other day about hideous, evil, awful people that “You don’t deserve what you have, but you’ll deserve what you get.” Well, I must be burning off a firey fuckball of bad karma, because today should have been victorious, but it all went *poof* in seconds.

I know life isn’t fair. But allow me a few minutes of pity party here. I try SO HARD. I am as good a person as I can be, and certainly better than most. And it really chaps mah coochie when everybody else is at least appearing to be doing so much better.

I wrote an blog awhile back on trade-offs. Like, I really want to go murder the Evil Landlady for all the repairs she gleefully ignores. But I can’t be kicked out because I don’t have a job to go get a new place. Or any money to pay for it, for that matter. *arches eyebrow*

I cried most of today. And I just finally canceled my Weight Watchers membership. I thanked them for the success and the couple good years they gave me. But oh well. Maybe some other time I’ll get to take care of me again. Load up the Waaaaahhhhmbulance.

Right now I’m in the rut of “college and working hard really DOESN’T mean success, but thanks though!”

God, I know You pick people like me to test us. And I know Your kingdom will be way nicer than this rathole that I’m grateful to have because a leaky roof is better than NONE AT ALL. It’s just … I felt like I had my joy, that no one or nothing could take it away. And today, I can’t seem to find it where I left it last.

I know I pride myself on not asking much of the universe. But maybe if I did, it wouldn’t hurt so much when I get shortchanged.

#SadPanda

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Yesterday was not a bad day. Today, however, will be because I was so exhausted/frustrated I didn’t have any energy for my other jobs.

Yeah, my new project? Is going to be the death of me. My half-time “job” — which kept me busy about a quarter of the time, at best — is going to be a near-full-time excursion.

Can haz razor blades?

I gave up around 4 p.m. yesterday — had to get the car out of the shop anyway. And stayed far from the computer afterward.

Oh, the car. It actually sounded really bad as the mechanic was running it. I didn’t want to part with the beaucoup bucks I was quoted over the phone. But he did well and explained why it still sounds like a rattling deathtrap. And I have to say, driving it was almost like having a brand-new car. The violent shaking is gone. Whee!

He had told me he was terrified, driving my car on the road test. I would have called him a pussy had I not seen the crucifix hanging over the door. But he was impressed that it still has all its original parts … and even that some of them still work!

Anyway, yesterday was not a total fail, but I had a migraine from hell and pretty much retreated to my “couch-and-iPad” happy place for the duration.

Today I hope to have time for my side project that makes me happy, since that was where Tuesdays USED to go. But I did get a message about the new project that it would also consume my day today. I almost cried.

It’s funny — over the years I’ve had every combination of either liking the people, liking the work, both or neither. This time, I dig the people but the work is not what dreams are made of. Too bad for all those jobs where the people were assholes when I liked what I was doing. Maybe I would have done it better had I been treated with a modicum of respect. Of course, what can you expect from a workplace? Not much. Not much at all…

Oh well. If I go ballistic and quit and have to end up living in my car, at least I know it will safely get me to the Keys…

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I would never make Steve Jobs run for president. I like him too much. I respect his innovations. And if the man needs to take a sick leave, let him do it. Lord knows our president probably hasn’t slept since he started campaigning for his crazy job. Brilliance requires rest.

Now that said, the esteemed Mr. Jobs needs to head up a finance committee in the legislative arm of his choice, seeing as though Apple ($AAPL) has more cash than the U.S. government.

Now, he’s a smart one, that Steve. Apple isn’t doing much differently from its early days. It just employs a lot more people in a lot more places. But the “think tank” that keeps cranking out the “Oh my God I’ve GOT to have it!” products (says she who is contemplating whether having the new MacBook is more important than rent. Just assure me that it will ship with Lion, and that answer is YES!) is still strategically issuing its brilliance at full price to a growing cult of worshipers.

It gives me pause to say the stock is still a steal here at $400, since you won’t catch me being able to buy much more than a call contract or two. I don’t think this name is the next Berkshire Hathaway, but I do think it’s going to hold its own in this range for the intermediate term.

Everyone wonders whether AAPL is going to issue a dividend, what with all that cash in the bank. And all I have to say is, “Yeah, right!”

What Jobs gets right, that our legislators never will, is spending money on the right things and letting the rest go. Everyone who’s crying (not-so-subtle Boehner reference) that the space program has been abandoned, or that the couple million that goes to a bunch of social programs should be eliminated before, say, Steve Jobs himself pays a cent more in taxes, ought to look at Apple’s business model before drafting up the next round of spending cuts.

At Apple, you don’t have customers — you have fanatics. You don’t have buyers — you have people who camp out all night just to be the first to pay full retail price. You don’t have investors — you have people who need this stock even if they still cling to their tattered-after-two-years PCs.

You have to spend money to make money, but paying a dividend isn’t necessary to bring in more money. Steve Job pays the top minds in technology to keep him on top. Congress pays a nice salary to a bunch of mildly qualified people (in addition to the truly brilliant legislators, who are unfortunately far outnumbered) and sure doesn’t cut THEIR health care even as they threaten to take away yours. Let’s weed out the waste, starting with our Congress critters themselves, and treat America as the high-quality product it is. And that includes taxing its highest-paid citizens at the same rate as the rest of us. Apple doesn’t give away its products, and nobody’s holding their breath waiting for them to go on sale. Nor should our country be on sale, either.

Maybe if we put Jobs in charge of one of the finance committees, that would finally convince Obama to get rid of his damn BlackBerry already?

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