What no longer serves you?

July 8th, 2017, 3:07 PM by Goddess

I figure since I keep paying for Weight Watchers, I should at least listen to Oprah’s podcasts. 

So glad I did. 

In one, she talked about releasing what no longer serves us. Like, gee, our weight. And maybe we struggle so much because it still serves us in some way. 

She said she can hide behind it, to seem smaller in a way … shrinking from serving a greater known purpose. 

Whoa. Ding ding ding!

I’m terrified of the same thing. People keep their expectations low of fat girls. So I can and do always exceed them. I like that almost as much as I like chocolate cake. 

I buy really good fucking cake.

Cake serves me in that mom loves it and I love to make her happy. I love the store that sells it, and going there gets me out of the office for a half-hour a week. Eating it makes me feel happy and signals that you’ve eaten enough today, Tubbo. No more chewing after you’ve snarfed in the last chocolate chip or dollop of fudge. 

But back to the weight, I use it to justify lack of the job title I want (and do think I deserve). 

I fear relationships and use my size to keep from putting myself out there. I mean, I have mom to take care of. What mental resources do I have to devote to anyone else and still dote on myself from time to time, too?

I could go on. But thinking about this is helping me. I mean, do I really need what I carry around every minute of every day? 

It’s more than weight. Does this car serve me? (For now.) This apartment? (God no.) The men who let me get away? (Hah.) This job? (Yes.)  Etcetera. 

Lots to think about. But mostly that you can’t release something until you’re ready. And sometimes life decides you’re ready before you do. I’d rather part ways with the weight on my terms. But damn, I want some cake first …

Day 64 of my captivity 

July 3rd, 2017, 5:17 AM by Goddess

Weight loss efforts are shot. Shot, I tell you. 

I worked by the beach and even if I didn’t see it, I could smell it. I walked 10K steps a day. I wasn’t forbidden from leaving when I was hungry or thirsty. I could work from home or Starbucks as needed as long as it wasn’t excessive. I got taken out to lunch and didn’t have to keep an arsenal of snacks in my desk for when I couldn’t recaps at all. Because I always could. 

In any event, not here for a pity party but rather to say it out loud. 

My portion sizes have not shrunk as my activity diminished/evaporated. And nothing fucking fits right now because of it. 

I read a good insight that I need to let sink in. We WW types have trained ourselves to find the lowest-point option for every food. And we use that to totally overdo it with portions. 

I know this to be true. I practically gorge on salads. How do you get fatter by eating salads with no dressing, no cheese and no points except for starchy veggies like beans and corn and beets? 

  Well, yeah. 

Went out with friends and they asked how I lost all the weight I did. I joked that I eat vegetarian so I can have wine and cake. 

But that is no joke. I eat wine and cake and vegetables. It’s what I love. And Halo Top ice cream, which isn’t sweet and packs a lot of protein. 

Halo Top is also my enemy because I can eat a pint for 11-12 points. Which I’m fine with after an egg for breakfast (2 points), lentil chip snack (3-4) and salad (6). 

Oh and lentil chips. 12 points for the whole bag. Why not demolish it in one sitting, then?

Maybe I need to stop buying them. Although I did try to give up lentil chips for Lent. That didn’t go so well. I have too much rage. 

Mom begged me to eat them again because it calms me down. (Hence why I take a massive bag to work every day.) and finish it while the other 10 people on the team take their hour and I have to ba babysit the inbox. 

Anyway. It’s not the food’s fault. Or mine. I just need to make better choices. All around, really. 

Then and now

May 28th, 2017, 9:27 PM by Goddess

May 25

33rd birthday / 43rd birthday 

+/- 100 lbs difference



May 20th, 2017, 1:01 PM by Goddess

Ran into an old colleague I haven’t seen in five years.  I said hi and hugged him. He said hi and looked confused and went on his way. Strange because this was a close friend at one time. 

Couple hours later, he came back and apologized. He literally had no idea who I was because he knew me 50 pounds ago. Someone else had to tell him who I was. 

Chalk one up in the “things that don’t suck” column. 

Inches and miles

April 5th, 2017, 7:34 PM by Goddess

Early this year, I took my measurements. Something I’d never done before. But it was time.

I thought, aha, now I know my “true size.” The numeric one. Great, so now I can order things from the Internet with some modicum of success. Or walk into the store and not have to take four different sizes into the dressing room. Right?

Not so much. But whatever. I have every size in the world at home for skinny days and fat days.

But while I haven’t been losing pounds per se this past month, apparently I lost a couple inches without realizing it.

Got dressed in the dark today. Was looking for something beige to wear with a blue shirt.

Grabbed a skirt. Huge. Hmm. Grabbed another. Better but enh. Sitting in the car for the commute would pound out the waist enough to irritate me all day. Grabbed a third … perfect!

Took a gander at the size later. It’s that so-called “true size” I’d identified three months ago. Hah. Go, me.