What was meant for evil, God is using for my good

April 24th, 2017, 8:52 PM by Goddess

I mean, obviously I’m not talking about Donald Gump. 

But something else that has been a boulder in front of the cave is rolling away. And granted, a MOAB just got dropped on the cave and I got smoked out anyway. 

Whatever though. If the times they have to change, let them start a-changing. Really changing. 

When I say my gratitudes to myself each day, I say thanks for my momma, my job, my kitty and my car. 

Thanks for keeping us safe and healthy. For keeping those paychecks clearing. 

I also say a preemptive kudos to the universe for shutting my mouth at the right time. And for giving me just the right words at the exact moment I need them. 

Today I finally said thank-you for the opportunities and also the strife. The strife keeps keeps the pilot light on under my soul, the proverbial fire under my ass that keeps me from getting comfortable. 

I can finally breathe now and let one particular brand of anxiety go. This boulder can’t hurt me anymore. It didn’t make me stronger or better. Or maybe the real test is yet to come. Lord help me find the right words or none at all when the time comes. And it is. 

‘I am out of my depth at this altitude’

April 23rd, 2017, 8:50 AM by Goddess

“Go ahead and laugh,
even if it hurts,
go ahead and pull the pin.
what if we could risk
everything we have,
and just let our walls cave in?”

— Sleeping at Last, “Heart”

I don’t understand why, when someone decides to leave you, they don’t actually leave.

They hang around. They come around more than they ever did, especially toward the end. The end you saw coming from a thousand nautical miles away.

The end you anticipated with a mixture of dread and relief. A mixture whose percentages you’ll never actually reveal.

You just didn’t know how or when it was going to end.

You knew you’d be hurt and screwed seven ways to Sunday when it did finally come. (And you were sure proven right.)

Yet it still seemed a better, or at least a more-intriguing, option than having to pretend you didn’t notice that everything had changed anyway.

And maybe there’s some “better” to be found when the Everglades stop burning. But it isn’t over. Everything is on fire and they are waiting for a reaction out of you that you are never going to give.

Perhaps the more-appropriate lyric here comes from Phil Collins and Marylin Martin …

“You have no right
To ask me how I feel
You have no right
To speak to me so kind.”

Or not. I don’t think anyone wants to know how I feel right now. More like what do I know and when did I know it. And I’ve spent enough time playing Nancy Drew that I don’t have any more time to devote to anything other than catching up on gobs of lost time.

Just trying to “smile because it happened.” Maybe even laugh, even if it hurts.

One day

February 10th, 2017, 8:15 AM by Goddess

One day I will call my momma  to tell her that I got a promotion or a raise or a special recognition or a bonus trip to Dominica. 

In the meantime, I just thank God she picks up her phone for the other kinds of calls. 

Mom deserves great news too. I look forward to her still being here for me to be able to deliver it. 

My neck hurts

February 1st, 2017, 9:05 AM by Goddess

That new year’s resolution when you say you are leaving by 7 every night and no later (OK most nights) and if you do leave at 6 then you can just log in for an hour later and still have a life balance …

Works GREAT but who’s doing the work you’re not doing when you’re out enjoying 12 minutes of daylight and hanging with your momma and kitty?

I got to thinking about that person I have to interview. I feel like a Senate Democrat. I can filibuster all I want to, but my own Betsy DeVos is going to be Edumucation Secretary. And I as the deputy administrator will be fighting to make spelling and grammar great again.

Nothing to see here

January 31st, 2017, 10:36 AM by Goddess

When you give up a 20-minute meeting you benefit from to get ahead to compensate for the two-hour meeting you don’t have anything to say during, and when you finally say you’re too busy and someone who never missed a meal/event/date night has to step in to fulfill a problem of their own making instead of you giving up your nights/weekend to figure it out, it’s a good day, Tater.