My neck hurts, 2

February 1st, 2017, 3:22 PM by Goddess

Bumped the call with the person I didn’t want to talk to till tomorrow. I can be insulted when I’m less psychotically busy, thanks.

But once again having to try to publish shit and be in a meeting, I accidentally sent live a mailing … set to arrive on Nov. 1 and not Feb. 1. Ask me how hard it is to reverse THAT process. Especially given that I have to ask Fric and Frac, who go home at 5 physically and at 10 a.m. mentally, for help.



Yeah

January 31st, 2017, 7:40 PM by Goddess

I didn’t mean to suggest I skipped a meeting. Just had it later at a time more convenient to the people who attend it. I would give anything to move it or do it daily when it makes sense. But whatever. Hooray for getting out not terribly late after doing my day mostly my way.  And for having a phone to my head while editing without any calamities. 

Just don’t ask me about that turd who’s hired whom I have to interview. Yes in that order. Was a dick to me by email. This should go well. 



Same as it ever was

January 19th, 2017, 6:32 AM by Goddess

Had a bad dream. That mom was gone and I was working around the clock and I stopped to realize that I was too busy to miss her. 

I’m assuming that’s a weird side effect of it being sia’s birthday yesterday, her first not on this earth. But it scared me. 

I thought of mom in heaven, seeing me not thinking about her because I had a phone stuck to my head all morning and then staying late to catch up. 

It killed me because that’s how it is while she’s here. Although I think of her plenty. 

Another day like the one I just outlined ahead. So sad about Sia that I could just die myself. Please God, let folks give me space today. And every day but especially today. 



Getting to leave at 5

January 15th, 2017, 3:16 PM by Goddess

What is, the best part of working on weekends.

I get the irony. But I do savor the fact that I can see daylight and get mom fed at a reasonable hour.

No working next weekend, though. I have a Women’s March to attend.



Frozen

January 4th, 2017, 10:16 AM by Goddess

One of the many things that don’t get talked about when you’re being assaulted (sexually or otherwise) …

Is how you find a place inside your head where you can hide.

I mean, sure you feel the pain — physical, emotional, your soul — but you find a little niche you can stuff yourself into. In your mind.

I don’t know where it is and I don’t know how I manage to find it when I need it. But it’s there. And thank God for that.

A book I’m reading pointed out quite plainly that we never talk about the full “fight or flight” response. That it’s really “fight, flight or freeze.”

I know the frozen state too well. (So does my work computer Elsa and my home laptop Anna.)

And it’s not that it works for me (the technological or the psychologically frozen state), but I can go back to it as often as needed. Unfortunately, that’s pretty often.

I just know what I’m capable of when I’m hurting. I fear it. But I bet it would keep people from messing with me ever again.

And I’m terrified/thrilled about the moment I get to say “Goodbye, Earl.”