Caterwauling

So my mom likes to know what my friends look like, so she can associate a face with them when I talk about them. She used to meet them, as she was always the cool mom who could hang with the young’ns. But these days, I usually just point her to Facebook.

But there’s a couple people who just don’t have photos available, and I haven’t been anywhere with them to take any photos.

She’s got that psychic vibe and can usually pick out characteristics that are pretty spot-on. But there’s one that she couldn’t envision. And it occurred to me that the girl looks exactly like a girl I absolutely despised in high school … pretty much for the same reasons I really don’t particularly care for this one sometimes.

I laughed when I made the connection late last night in the elevator, rocking Amityville with my gales of giggles. NO WONDER I get stressed out and put up my guard, maybe even a little higher than I usually do.

Makes one wonder whether everything will turn out exactly the way it did in 1992. And I may be 20 years older, but the nice girl can’t get screwed a second time.

Bitches always get the guy, apparently. Even when he’s the nicest person you have ever met, or will ever meet.

Having my guard up makes me such a lesser version of myself. I’d give anything to leave it down and be loved anyway. And there are only certain people, I think, I can do that with. (I think the “guard-down” version of myself is awesome, and wish I were invited to a safe place more often where I can be that girl.)

Till then, I guess I’m playing defense until the merciful graduation day comes. Of course, 20 years ago, neither one of us got the guy. She won in the short term, but his heart stayed with me — he told my mom that just 10 years ago. But by then, the damage had been done.

And here we are again. Is this a chance to right the wrongs of the past, or to just take notes and hone my storytelling skills and create a happier ending, even if it’s only on paper?

This post explains it better, since I’m actively avoiding writing about this: “Crushed.”

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Went to see “Mission Impossible” with a new friend on Friday night. Which was AWESOME.

What I remember most from the night, however, was this actual conversation with the girl who took my ticket at the theater.

Girl: “Mission Impossible”? I would have thought you’d be here to see “New Year’s Eve.”
Me: I already saw it. My man Jon Bon Jovi was in it. I couldn’t pass it up.
Girl: Jon Bon Jovi? (*eyes me up and down*) I would have taken you for a Katherine Heigl fan … or maybe Jessica Biel.
Me: *squick* Well, sure. If Jon Bon Jovi weren’t in it, I would definitely have been ogling them instead.
Girl: I’ll bet you would.

You know, I’ll flirt with anyone. But this one was just creepy from the get-go. Had to give her credit for openly eye-molesting me in public. But, well, yeah. No. Thanks though!

Cigarette palm trees

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

You see lots of trees like this on my street. They remind me of cigarettes, with the green glowing tips at the top. And it reminds me of the cigarettes I keep in my armrest, and I have just enough time to smoke one of them before I pull into my parking lot.

So, every day this week was better than the last. And every night, worse than the one before.

I had some really good interactions with my boss this week, both on the professional and on the informal levels. He’s awesome in so very many ways. And I feel like I’m not performing at my usual level (I realize I’ve only worked there SIX WEEKS), but he’s somebody I want to be in my social circle. Maybe not now, but definitely down the road as I start to figure out what the fuck I’m doing and make him look good and, therefore, trust me.

There’s someone else I’ve been hoping to impress, and we all have read about him in the last few blog entries here. And I think my master plan is working. *muahahaaa*

Actually, I’m relying a lot on faith with this one. Just, asking God to put me in the right place at the right time, to give me the right words to say (and gag me before I start to stick a lovely high heel in my mouth).

Let me tell you, God IS listening. And answering. I could not have asked for a better week on that front.

Anyway, I’m pretty certain this is what the “falling in” feels like. I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before. In fact, I can say with certainty that I am in WAY unfamiliar territory. Ergo, God’s direction here? Is more priceless than usual.

I can look in his eyes and see that this is going somewhere. And I don’t care how long it takes to unfold … this is going to be worth waiting my whole lifetime (so far) for.

The way I figure, I love having a good story to tell. I’m pretty sure I will with this one. I already have a few that I’m keeping to myself!

Now, I go from awesomeness and fabulosity and dreamlike wonder during the time I’m not at home … to gloom, despair, and agony on me. (Hee-Haw.)

I thank God for at least there being a balance, as it used to be just round-the-clock misery between bad jobs, no good men in my life and the Houseguest (yep, I’m back to that today) being such a pain in my ample ass. Balance is good. We can work with balance.

I invited my lovely Greek goddess to spend Christmas with me, and I’m looking SO forward to it. And we were all set to just figure out what to cook, oh, today. But Houseguest has been yelling at me for two weeks because there is no menu, no plan, no ANYTHING SHE CAN CONTROL WITH HER OVERBEARING OCD.

I thought I was doing her a favor, telling her NOT TO WORRY — WE GOT THIS. But my nerves are absolutely shot and she’s holding the smoking gun.

My fellow goddess and I are confounded. We figured maybe we’d just roll through the store today, see what’s left and whip up some magic. Why stress about CHRISTMAS of all days, yes? All we need are smokes, a few bottles of wine and a whole smorgasbord of cheeses … as long as we have good company, everything else is secondary.

But after a wonderful day (whereupon I got a Christmas present! From him! Do you know how long it’s been since ANYONE has given me a Christmas present? And one I like! That showed me he was thinking about me! That he’s listening to me!), I came home to the black cloud of “You’re mean! You don’t include me in anything! You don’t do anything around here! I do EVERYTHING AROUND HERE and you’re no help!”

She is lucky to be alive after that. If I weren’t floating on a WAY higher cloud, you’d be sending my Christmas card to JAIL.

In order to preserve my own peace of mind, I cried uncle. If she wanted to know what we were eating for Christmas (the source of the whole fight), she could cook it her damn self. After all, it’s ALL MY FAULT that she didn’t know what we were eating. (To feed three fucking people. And I already had a fucking Honeybaked Ham in the fridge so that we’d have protein.) ZOMG.

So finally I wasted my whole night yesterday taking her to a whole bunch of places to shop for food. Fine, I said. Buy what you want. I can’t fucking take this anymore.

Of course, now the response is, “YOU WAITED TILL TWO DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS TO TAKE ME SHOPPING AND NOW YOU’RE MAKING ME WHIP UP A 10-COURSE MEAL? YOU’RE MEAN!!!”

Aaaaand … we’re back there again.

Look, I like this guy. He likes that I’m fun and positive and upbeat and, according to him, that I’m nice. Fuck. If he only knew how “mean” I am.

On my taxes this year, I’m not even claiming her as a dependent. I’m claiming her as a co-dependent. Because once again, I let her have her way to keep the peace. I should have stood my ground and said we goddesses have this. (Which I’ve said for two weeks.) I mean, since I don’t do anything around this place, wasn’t that a step in the right direction? *simmer*

Oh well. I’m going to keep thanking God for bringing me the joy I find outside of here. He makes me happy. He really does. (I mean the guy, but God is pretty awesome too.) I can’t wait to see where this goes. I am both excited and yet patient; I want this to go right. I have NEVER felt like that before — there’s no rush at all. We got this, yo.

My eyes are on next Christmas, and my feeling is that it will be pretty amazing. If this is the “falling in” part, then I imagine I won’t want to be anywhere else once I’m fully there. …

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Palm trees and evergreen

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

My mom says a lot of weird things lately. She seems to get confused sometimes, and the words don’t always come easily to her anymore.

Not sure what’s going on in her noggin sometimes, but every once in a while, she says something so brilliant, even I have to take pause.

I was telling her about some of the recent developments in my life. And how there’s something that I think I really want but I have NO IDEA how to make it happen.

It baffles even me how little I know about relating to people, considering my age and where I’ve been in life. I mean, my work has revolved around motivating important people (mostly men) to bend to my will. And from what my boys say, I’ve been rather successful at it!

And yet, for all my (past) career success, I haven’t been able to translate it into interpersonal relationships. i’m not even talking about relationships per se … I mean, I don’t know how to act other than to be myself. She’s not always “on,” unfortunately.

Of course, I’m kind of “off” in work mode of late. So I’m kind of hoping the brilliance I once exhibited in that realm may seep over into the other part of the hourglass and help a sister out.

I was kind of lamenting the fact that, if I know what I want, why can’t I just go after it already? (I wish I would do that at work — I just don’t know what I want there yet. But wild horses couldn’t drag me away from it once I identify it!)

I guess what I’m saying is that life is short, and all we have is right now. Why not go out, guns blazing, and move things along?

She reminded me that I’ve recently encountered another gal who does just that. And it turns ME off, and I’m not even the object of her affections. (Whom, I’m a cross between amused and sad to say, we share.)

The competitor in me wants to be noticed … or, at least, not forgotten. Not that I *think* that’s a problem, but one can never be too sure, eh?

Alas, my momma reminded me that “right” takes time. Let other people be pushy. I don’t have to do much beyond being a calm, cool, classy Goddess.

*deep, zen-like breaths* I am Kate Middleton. I will have my king someday. *deep exhale*

I’m not saying I haven’t been a little pushy. I fell straight into that, “Let’s get this show on the road already, shall we?” mentality.

Besides, if you put things on ice for too long, will the heat cool off?

I think I just felt God tapping me on the shoulder, reminding me that rewards come when He’s ready, not just because I say it’s time.

This is teaching me so much. Because, when the train leaves the station (and it will, I feel it), I’m still going to have to slow my roll on other things.

Milestones take time to happen. And if they don’t, well then they weren’t mean to be, right?

I dunno. I’ve just been feeling so different these days. To the point that I am picking up men like my ponytail is made of static electricity. My Triple A guy asked me to dinner, and I met a guy on the beach who lives in New York and flies home to Amsterdam every Christmas.

And I tell myself, hey, have some fun. You’re allowed. The universe wants you to be distracted right now. LET THINGS HAPPEN IN THEIR OWN TIME. Quit forcing it.

Of course, what he doesn’t know is that if I don’t stay on top of something, it fades away. Not that I think he will hop off my mind anytime soon. But for as impulsive as I can be, I’m a planner. If I don’t put something in my iCal, it’s going to drop right the fuck out of my mind until a month after the fact.

Just one of many things I hope he’ll discover about me someday.

Man, this guy got inside my head. I told him so. (Bad move?) He thought about it and asked what he’d said. (I think he was more than OK with it — then again, there I go being ballsy again.) I couldn’t tell him. I didn’t want to. It’s mine right now.

And it’s the stupidest fucking thing, too. He was getting out of my car and into his. I drove away and noticed that he had locked the door for me. NO ONE EVER DOES THAT. I take my friends out all the time and it usually takes a couple of rides to realize the door won’t lock itself. He figured it out ON THE FIRST TRY.

There are a million stories I can tell that can demonstrate the strength of his character. And like I said, that may be the stupidest fucking thing on earth. But to me, it said here’s someone who thinks of everything. Someone I can trust. Someone who will add to my life and not, like so many others, take away from it.

I got to thinking about ghosts. You know, the ones that stay with us even though we don’t remember inviting them. I like to think most of mine are buried. (Except those bitches at the Evil Empire — they haunt me still.)

And I realized that we give permission to things to haunt us, whether we realize it or not. I think that’s why I get *thisclose* to success in business and never actually succeed.

I think that’s why I have lackluster relationships — I remember watching my mother fuck up her life and go from asshole to asshole and telling myself, “That’s not for you.”

Perhaps I should have told the universe that I didn’t want BAD relationships, instead of NO THANKS, KEEP THE BOYS AWAY SO I CAN FOCUS ON MY CAREER.

All right, Universe. Sorry about that. Can we start over and let me say that I want it ALL — great job, great relationships and great success?

It’s so hard to go from not dreaming at all, to wanting to dream big … and having to rein yourself in along the way.

I’ll trust that God will let what’s supposed to happen, happen. Now, I’m not going to guarantee that I won’t do something here and there to try to help Fate along. But I’ll take this chance to do some much-needed work on myself till such day that I’m free to BE that new-and-improved version of me.

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OK, so I have a dead vehicle in my parking lot, as Mom hasn’t driven her car in months and the fucker won’t start.

And so OK, I left work today late and MY car wouldn’t start.

I called AAA and had to explain seven ways to Sunday that I work IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE and no, I don’t have any landmarks to tell you where to find me.

But then I got a call from the tow truck guy and he DID in fact know where to find me. But … he was an hour away.

Thank God I keep an emergency pack of cigarettes in the armrest — I went through half of it while I talked to my Greek goddess friend and waited.

I had joked with the tow truck guy that I wished there were a Starbucks I could go hide in. So when he came to my rescue, he brought coffee.

I think I’m in love!

Wow was he cute. So friggin’ cute. And he brought his little boy along, as it was quitting time for him when my call came through. I loved that kid.

Anyway, the guy gave me his number. It was subtle and all — he put it on the business card of a local garage he recommends.

Oh yeah, the starter is blown. It probably won’t start in the morning and if it does, I’ll probably need to call AAA AGAIN after work tomorrow.

I texted one of my colleagues who lives in my area. And I will have to hoof it two miles to Starbucks to meet him to get a ride with him. I’m hoping my car starts. *crosses fingers*

So anyway, I took advantage of my guy’s phone number. I texted to thank him and his son for rescuing me and getting me home.

He texted back right away that I’m sweet and I can call him anytime.

I think I might!

I dunno … I have been feeling all giddy and stupid because of another wonderful man who has found his way into my life, my head and, I’m thinking, my heart. But he may want to accelerate his game just a little.

Thank you, God. This has been the absolute best seven days of my life!

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