New year, new promises to myself to not cry in public

January 3rd, 2017, 2:18 PM by Goddess


Someone somewhere proposed a new solution to something that may or may not be a problem.


Someone else decided that we need to start using this “solution” ASAP.


It is now 11 extra steps to a process that was already 36 steps too long.

I think I just found a tiny pocket of rage I hadn’t quite exhausted before.

Hail (virgin) mary

December 22nd, 2016, 11:35 AM by Goddess

I probably spend far more time analyzing situations than others do. It’s because I don’t know what I don’t know — and that includes what others are actually thinking.

I’ve never in my life asked to do less work. But with working from home a benefit that has ceased of late, I am working later and it’s screwing up my home life in a big way.

Last night I missed my shot to pick up the ham I ordered. And they have extended holiday hours. (I had to get up stupid-early to get it today. And got stuck in traffic because people are idiots.)

So with nowhere to go and nothing to lose, I threw a hail mary pass and asked to maybe replace some of next week’s projects with some others. Because usually I have to do those extra projects on my free time (nights/weekends). And it’s Christmas and I’d like to see my mom while I still have her. As she reminds me, everyone else gets to eat with their families.

My suggestion to replace A with B was not met with success. I didn’t get it and it dawned on me later that folks must have thought I was trying to do less.

But that wasn’t really the thing. It was more like wanting to knock out things that have been on the to-do list all year (research, writing reports, hiring help) that required blocks of time and therefore get shoved aside for all the other stuff that’s more urgent.

Because when I get asked (and rightfully so) about those OTHER things, I get apoplectic. I’m already apoplectic after that fucked-up election and the fact that Russia helped install a demagogue into our presidency. I would like a little peace where I can get it.

In any event, I got what I really wanted out of it, which was a n upcoming restoration of remote access. It’s not the “good” access but it will certainly do for now. And that I might actually get to have a hot meal with my mom again is the real win.

Some people want houses and marriages and kids and trips and TVs and “stuff.” I just want time. And health. And since you don’t get “extra” of either, to maximize the current allotment.

I left my sense of humor around here somewhere …

December 14th, 2016, 11:33 AM by Goddess

Trying to figure out when I’m going to get my Christmas errands done when I don’t even have time to leave for lunch or exit anywhere close to on time.

Fuck, I bring Xmas cards with me every day. Yesterday I didn’t even eat at all. And not one personal errand got done till I shoved (way too much) food in around 8.

(Cards still unaddressed/unwritten beside me …)

Then you get those weird questions about what you/your folks do all day. (Dance circles around the ones no one is asking about for $100, Alex.)

Also, one of those errands? I need a fucking tree since mine FELL ON ME while I was sleeping in front of it the other night.

Returned that shit. Just haven’t figured out a Plan B.

And at this rate, I probably won’t.

Post-vacation wrap-up

December 5th, 2016, 9:00 AM by Goddess

They say vacations stimulate your creativity.

I wasn’t so sure at first. I spent the week losing sleep, thinking about all the stuff that gives me anxiety every day anyway. That service we need to close, the product lineup. the kinds of people we need to hire who just don’t exist, shifts that need to happen that I can’t outline here, and basically the feeling of being so overwhelmed (and other adjectives) about it all.

But I started reading a book that I am not ready to talk about here. And it has helped me to be more aware of my role in things. Not that I feel like I can put out the fires by myself. But I can try to not feel so crushed, and it only takes some small fixes to do it.

When I travel, for example, I put my phone in “airplane” mode. It saves the battery and I don’t get 42 alerts an hour on whatever psycho the Orange Clownfish is appointing to his Cabinet. But when I turn the phone back on … woweee. Everything hits at once.

So I recognize, hey maybe I don’t need to be getting alerts from 20 news apps. I mean yes it helps because some write the headlines/nut grafs better (and more accurately) than others. But gah, the anxiety it triggers now that my candidate — the safe, lovely, experienced, charming grandma with whom I felt my future was safe — is hiding in the woods and this nutty fucker is up rage-tweeting against “Saturday Night Live” while I’m trying to watch it.

(Aside: As I tweeted to the orange menace himself, I agree — SNL isn’t funny. It’s FACTUAL because he’s a PARODY already.)

(Aside 2: I have never tweeted President Obama, or VP Biden, with anything other than a thank you or a congratulations. But this fucker? I wish I could say how I really feel about his Nazi-loving ass. Jesus. My grandfather fought the Nazis and now we are inviting them to run the country. I’m so glad he isn’t here to witness this.)

In any event, I think I also need to unsub from most eletters too. I found myself fascinated by politics when I thought competent people were going to be/remain in charge of them. Now it’s all such a joke. I might as well do something more productive with my downtime.

I know this isn’t creative, by any means. But it’s a start.

And I did get a really good idea that I’m not going to talk about. Because I don’t do anything once I’ve written it down. But I type this to say I wouldn’t have had the idea had I not been walking around paradise with nary a thought in my head other than, “What cocktail am I going to order next?”

(That’d be “coconut mojito,” for those playing along at home.)

OK, back to the salt mines. Good to be away. Good to have something to come back to. Even if it’s the same thing I left. My goal is for things to be better before my next escape. Even if my adherence to my values is the only thing that improves, that’ll still be a good thing.


November 28th, 2016, 9:47 AM by Goddess

So far, my vacation started with an hour-long conference call, a pile of emails and an article yet to edit.

But being at home, in my jammies and not having to speak on that conference call? PRICELESS.

I can actually get things done when people think I’m not around. I like it.