Balance

April 19th, 2016, 8:23 AM by Goddess

One of my friends mentioned on a conf call this morning that I’ll be out the next two days.

Another friend IM’d to say how happy it made them to hear those words. That I am finally taking a day for myself.

I’ve been feeling kind of weird about it. I mean, the only days I’ve been out of town (six workdays in four years), I worked during all or at least half of them.

I’ve not done the “Seeya, wouldn’t wanna be ya” thing in a good 5.5 years. And even then it was just a day or two at a time.

My one friend reminded me that I’m not like Soccer Ball to the Head #1, #2 and #3, though. They leave town with things unfinished. Half the time they don’t even tell you they are leaving and/or that the thing you need is unfinished.

I mean I am still waiting for something from one of their Christmas breaks. I did it myself, mind you. Spent three hours teaching myself how to do it, and 10 minutes actually doing it.

I heard Soccer Ball to the Head #1 lamenting the fact that they actually put thought into the project I needed (that they were all too happy to jet the fuck out of town before completing). Waah boo hoo.

Alas, I hope that I am benchmarked against those types in my review and not against the Goddess of the Last Three Years who should have given up her apartment, because she worked so much.

I don’t know what my goals are for the next year, beyond finding my compass and taking the remaining 26 vacation days and not actually pelting people with soccer balls. I’m just happy for the opportunity to keep on keepin’ on, and seeing the light of day more than usual but just a little tiny bit less than most.

That’s balance. And I’m more than OK with that.

Flowers from one of my boys today … 

  



Epilogue 

April 14th, 2016, 10:35 PM by Goddess

Also from the Department of Bad Decisions …

Waited all night for someone who shall we say borrowed an article from another site to rewrite it. It just arrived before 11 pm. I already have Plan B laid out and ready to test. But I’m so pissed I wasted over an hour on Plan A that I’m tempted to salvage Plan A with rewrite B. Bad hiring decision there. 

Waited till the last minute to buy a suit for a two-day circus next week. But this has a happy ending. Circus canceled. And I’m taking the days off. First days off since 2011. I just hope next week everyone Googles like I did today. Because, copyright. 

Accidentally got someone in trouble today. Didn’t mean or want to. And it wasn’t Soccer Ball to the Skull, who deserves it. I hate when it’s one of the overly competent ones. One stupid oversight and no real harm done. But, telephone game. Damn it. 

And as for what makes me the executive director of the Bad Decisions department, I am so insanely jealous of walkable-city denizens. Like to the point of wanting to join them and being crazy jealous of dopey wives who get to live in them because of their husbands. Maybe wanting to marry for love is just a pipe dream. Kudos to those who can tolerate someone so they can be taken care of. 

Welp. Shot out of bed at 5:30 am to work. It’s 11:30 pm. Time to remake the donuts. 



Don’t ask

April 14th, 2016, 10:20 AM by Goddess

From the Department of Bad Decisions, I saved two projects for today that I should have finished a week ago. 

No creativity is coming to me like it normally does. Things are broken that shouldn’t be. I can’t skate by today. Sigh. 

I was thinking how we do things because we can. Not good things. I’m talking delays. I’m talking picking on weaker people. I’m talking head banging to the heavy metal drummer in our head instead of marching in formation. 

Even when we know better. And especially when know better. 

I’ll save the day somehow. But I am really not happy that I put it in danger in the first place. 



Adulting 2

April 5th, 2016, 4:08 PM by Goddess

I got to thinking about a lady I worked with a thousand years ago I called Solitaire. You can probably search the archives for her.

My views on her have changed over the years.

Mind you, I never had much of a problem with her. She liked playing cards. I don’t know whether anyone gave her work to do or if she just liked her cards more than doing work.

My beef was that everyone was perfectly OK with the situation. Meanwhile I worked hard and didn’t feel as special as I was trying to prove I was.

And that rage led me into a web of disaster I couldn’t quite come out of.

I got to thinking about someone else who gets under my skin. I mean I want to rip my brain out of my head, stomp on it three times and shove it back in and hope the memory portion is sufficiently destroyed after an average interaction.

And something occurred to me today that I couldn’t put into words back then.

I don’t know how to NOT notice things.

Maybe it’s a feminine trait. You don’t want to notice that he isn’t the slightest bit interested in your day. Or that he is looking at another girl. Or that other people appear to have some level of favor you can’t figure out how to gain yet. Or that this particular dress really doesn’t fit you quite right. Or that white cake with white icing is really fucking good even if you lie to yourself and swear it’s filled with poison. I notice the little swipes even if they weren’t meant to hurt quite as much as they did. That ain’t being too sensitive — that’s simply being awake.

Trust me. I notice. I notice EVERYTHING.

And unfortunately I have a very hard time NOT COMMENTING on it.

I notice the people who go above/beyond. I welcome the people who email with “oh hey I thought you might need this so I went ahead and did it for you” or “oh hey here’s that thing you requested but I have some more ideas and would love to help you if you would like me to improve it a bit more.” I notice that shit and try to reward it accordingly.

Which makes it all the much harder not to notice its absence.

Don’t get me wrong. You could send me a list of everything you noticed I haven’t achieved. And you might be correct on many accounts. I ain’t no Solitaire and I don’t skate by. But I think I mire myself a little more in the noticing when I need to tune out and notice myself a whole lot more.

If there’s one thing I learned from my Solitaire days, “fair” belongs in no one’s vocabulary. And I think the Solitaire types — and I could be wrong, but I believe my guess is a good one — that they found their own way to make things “fair enough” for themselves.

Maybe they were the go above/beyond people in their day. Maybe they went from noticing everything to trying not to notice anything. Maybe I will be just like them someday.

And maybe I need to just silence my widdle brain now and get back to the business of what I CAN control.

Whatever THAT may be. But, you know. I need to figure it out. And fast.



Waiting

April 1st, 2016, 11:34 AM by Goddess

The moment when despite all your best efforts, you miss the one appointment you bothered to make in over a year.