Caterwauling

This is it … my last day of working from home.

I’m wrapping things up as best I can, and worrying about some barely started (or unstarted) projects that I haven’t yet gotten to.

I’ll know my schedule better once I put in a week or two at my new homestead. I’m kind of torn between “I need to focus every available resource on learning the new gig” and “I need a side income in case these people go as nuts as the last ones.”

I wrote my Dear John letter to the faraway prince. It hurt my heart to the point that I wondered exactly why, again, am I turning him down?

But I got a nice note from a future (and, also, past) colleague — the same person, actually — welcoming me and reminding me that we’ve got great work to do. And in that, I became OK enough to let the other prince go.

God has a funny way of putting you in the same exact situations, time and again, till you get it right. Back around this time in 2004, I was applying at a very similar company, with a competing offer from a prince I didn’t like all that much. I was rooting for the job I got. And I stayed there for five years. I’m hoping the same situation unfolds here.

But it’s got to be different this time. I mean, it’s the same hour-long commute each way, just in a different state. And I need to learn a lot and prove myself again. Which I am totally OK with. But when we joked at the old job that “we don’t know where we live,” well, that ain’t a joke. We really spent all our waking (and many sleeping) hours at the office — none of us should have been wasting our money on rent for homes we never saw.

My life is different not only since my mom came to live with me, but since I finally started to reconnect with her these past few months. I want to spend time with her. I don’t know how long we have together. I’m not happy to escape like I used to be.

Running away from my life made me a top-notch employee back then; I’m hoping that being a well-rounded employee, with interests outside of work and downtime to stimulate creativity, will make me a good asset this time around.

I think one worry I need to shake is that I don’t have any “extraordinary” left in me. Because I do. My freelance employers (the ones I haven’t grown to hate) are sad to see me go and hopeful that when their budgets expand, they can bring me back. That has to say something, right?

My new life begins Monday. Not just a job — but everything. I’m tossing out the cigarettes and I won’t be taking sugary snacky goodness to my new domain. I’ll be using the stairs and parking far away so that I can get some exercise. I’ll be listening to my self-help CDs along the drive and reconnecting with my inner goddess.

And I’m going to remind this world who, exactly, I was on the path to being before this unprompted-but-certainly-extended break for station identification.

Just you wait…

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Sloppy fries at Sloppy Joe’s

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Thanks to a great deal of thinking and some expert advice from someone whose opinion I respect tremendously, I picked my prince.

Now to wait for the ring — er, in this case, letter.

This is the point that I need to be telling people that their princess is off the market. But I’m funny about that. What if things all go ka-plooey and, come that magical start date, I find that I need those gigs I’m giving up?

I’ve pretty much told everyone who needs to know except one. I will have to do that this morning.

I’ve also been working hard this week, minus just giving up early Monday afternoon and zoning out in front of the TV. I was kind of hoping for an easy couple of days. It’s not bad, mind you — just not exactly a vacation. I’ve been at this stupid computer all day, every day, for a year now. I’m just annoyed that I have nothing much to show for my time “off.”

On these same blog pages a year ago, I was ranting that freelance was the only way to go. Boy did I get my comeuppance. *points and laughs*

For the most part, freelancing has gone fine. Really, it’s the “where the fuck is my check?” shit that’s made this impossible. I can count exactly two people who paid on time, every time. (My favorite ex-boss, and my favorite ex-company.)

Other than that, I learned the hard way that money and friends don’t mix. Nobody ultimately gives a shit if you’re out on the streets … even if you earned every penny and more that you were promised but haven’t received … even if their unfulfilled promises are what got you to this absolute breaking point.

It’s also slightly amazing how people will let others treat you, too. Barking you around on a Saturday. Threatening you with “repercussions” when they already haven’t paid you — what, are they gonna kick you in this shin, too? Questioning your hours worked. Lying the ultimate lie: “The check is in the mail.” Lord.

THIS is why I’ve agonized so hard about moving on — I question my decision-making ability, after two failed full-time jobs and a baker’s dozen of hit-or-miss freelance experiences. What if the next full-time gig is another in a seemingly endless series of bad choices?

I take comfort in what The Daily OM said in yesterday’s e-letter:

“It is often at times like these that we take a job or move to a place without really knowing if it’s the right thing to do. We may ultimately end up leaving the job or the place, but often during that time we will have met someone who becomes an important friend, or we may have an experience that changes us in a profound way. …

“It’s fun to look back on past experiences with an eye to uncovering those gems—the dreadful temporary job in a bland office building that introduced you to the love of your life; the roommate you couldn’t tolerate who gave you a book that changed your life; the time spent living in a city you didn’t like that led you into a deeper relationship with yourself. Remembering these past experiences can restore our faith in the present.

Everything will be all right, one way or another. Or I’ll find a way to make it so. I always do.

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Kadie loves clean sheets

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Sometimes life goes by too quickly; other times it can’t go quickly enough.

Still waiting for resolution on the princes. The faraway prince basically said he knows what ring he’d buy and he’s prepared to do a whirlwind wedding upon an enchanted meeting. The nearby prince didn’t call yesterday. I’m losing my mind in the meantime.

I explained the situation to my faraway prince. That I want to make the right choice. But that certain freelance decisions I’ve made have taken away the luxury for me to make a well-thought-out choice now.

I was so certain I wanted the nearby prince. But then when I woke up this morning, I thought, hmm, I really like that faraway one.

Here’s my dilemma. I could see myself becoming fast and easy friends with everyone in his kingdom. And that is something that’s very important to me.

But … let me tell you a little something about working with/for friends. DON’T DO IT. I think certain friends of mine are counting on me always being nice, never putting up a fuss, always acquiescing when it comes time to fighting for what’s owed to me.

Speaking of which, I could tell you the story about when I got an e-mail that sent me straight over the edge. (I remember it like it was yesterday. Probably because it was.)

But the moral to the story is this: Suddenly, the nearby prince became more attractive in that nobody knows thing one about me. I can reinvent myself here.

Not that I’d give up being patient or understanding or even nice. I’m not changing my character at age 37 here. But I have the chance to remove the “sucker” tattoo from my forehead and start anew.

I want the faraway prince. But I think I need the nearby one.

Head or heart — who wins?

I often curse the day I left D.C. I KNEW Florida was going to be a disaster. I mean, I hoped otherwise. But in my gut, I didn’t have a good feeling. Yet I embarked on the journey anyway.

And as I was telling one of my bestest friends in the world yesterday, I needed to come here to meet my new best friends. I wouldn’t have known them if I hadn’t taken the chance on something entirely new.

And maybe I am thinking out this decision as much as it needs to be, and I simply just don’t have an answer. Either one is a leap of faith. It comes down to which one gets me out of the house (I already bought some new dresses — these people dress up, yo) and which one gets me working with friends who pay.

I figured yesterday would bring resolution. Maybe today it will. I need to pull it together in the meantime; but I’ve had enough uncertainty and I want to just know what’s next. There’s plenty of time to regret whatever the decision is later.

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My lovely bride friend

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

I stayed away from the computer and my imaginary princes and went to a true fairytale wedding this weekend.

My beautiful bride friend has had me tagging along with her since the beginning — from picking the place all the way through to the cake tasting. The hotel staff treated me as a guest of honor even though all I did was go along for the ride.

But may I just say, I’ve lost a lot of faith in love and hope and humanity through the years, and just this one night gave it all back to me … and then some. I never dreamed all this existed. Or that it could happen for me, too. And I really want it to.

Seeing two people who are truly made for each other, with the perfect wedding day despite the torrential downpours that canceled out their beachside ceremony, taught me that the sun shines if you let it. As one of my brilliant companions said to me, “The sun is shining wherever she is,” about our lovely, beaming bride.

At the reception, I had the opportunity to connect with some people I loved and, by my own choosing, lost. Silly, I know. But the environment in which I had left them was treacherous. Cutting ties was, I figured, for their benefit. But in the end, what happened was we lost a year and a half of friendship. And that shit ends here.

And a couple of those friends placed me right back on my pedestal, which made me woozy after being knocked down so much and for so long. I forgot how nice the view was … how special people really thought I was. All I do anymore is doubt myself and, unfortunately, screw up accordingly in support of my poor mental mapping.

What can I say? I am my own crown of thorns. (Hat-tip to Sandra Bullock in “Hope Floats” there.)

My update on my three princes is such that I still have the first one on bended knee, but not for long. The carriage turns back into a pumpkin today unless I say otherwise.

The faraway prince asked me to stall the ready prince for two weeks. He ain’t proposing till he’s ready.

The third prince whom I dearly love is hoping to hit the lottery in the meantime.

I know it’s the next (big) step in my career. But when it all comes down to it, isn’t it just a job? I can’t quite figure it out. This means everything to me right now. I have to pick right. I also have to pick soon. Can our princess get everything she wants?

To complicate matters, wouldn’t you know it that our princess has been offered three dates in the meantime?

I seriously don’t get polygamy on the relationship front, and I don’t know how the hell to handle it professionally. But I do hope to get married and keep one or two boytoys on the side. Professionally, of course. Shit, I can’t even get one good man, let alone find three at once! Not that that will stop me from looking. …

Today will bring resolution one way or another. I just need one more piece of information before I can knock over the first domino. And then, there ain’t no undoing it. You’d think I’d be grateful for the time of rest (er, unrest), but I’m ready to let go, let God, and get out of the way.

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So … say our heroine had three suitors. And had to choose one of them without having enough information about all of them to feel truly good about her decision.

Perhaps the best metaphor here is that our princess goddess has some wedding proposals to consider and, yet, she hasn’t slept with any of them. (Suspension of disbelief is integral to this exercise!)

Put yourself in her glass slippers for a moment…

Do you pick the nice guy who lives really far away … the guy who reminds you of someone else (both good and bad) who is at least within driving distance … or wait till the awesome guy can afford a ring (and assume he won’t propose without one and you’ll be waiting till the end of time)?

If this were fiction and money weren’t an issue, I’d wait for the prince behind Door No. 3. But money is an issue and one prince is on bended knee and I need to figure out whether the faraway prince can get to that point, um, today.

Either way, I will stay in touch with the third prince … maybe a second marriage is in store. Or, at least, an affair.

Of course, this is what worries me. I have had enough damn divorces. I want to have kids with the next one. (Oh wait, I hate kids. Let me rephrase that.) I want a happily ever after the next time around.

So which of the first two princes can provide me that? And can the first one remain on bended knee till the carrier pigeon gets to the other one, or will I be in danger of becoming a spinster if they all move on without me?

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