What was meant for evil, God is using for my good

April 24th, 2017, 8:52 PM by Goddess

I mean, obviously I’m not talking about Donald Gump. 

But something else that has been a boulder in front of the cave is rolling away. And granted, a MOAB just got dropped on the cave and I got smoked out anyway. 

Whatever though. If the times they have to change, let them start a-changing. Really changing. 

When I say my gratitudes to myself each day, I say thanks for my momma, my job, my kitty and my car. 

Thanks for keeping us safe and healthy. For keeping those paychecks clearing. 

I also say a preemptive kudos to the universe for shutting my mouth at the right time. And for giving me just the right words at the exact moment I need them. 

Today I finally said thank-you for the opportunities and also the strife. The strife keeps keeps the pilot light on under my soul, the proverbial fire under my ass that keeps me from getting comfortable. 

I can finally breathe now and let one particular brand of anxiety go. This boulder can’t hurt me anymore. It didn’t make me stronger or better. Or maybe the real test is yet to come. Lord help me find the right words or none at all when the time comes. And it is. 

‘I am out of my depth at this altitude’

April 23rd, 2017, 8:50 AM by Goddess

“Go ahead and laugh,
even if it hurts,
go ahead and pull the pin.
what if we could risk
everything we have,
and just let our walls cave in?”

— Sleeping at Last, “Heart”

I don’t understand why, when someone decides to leave you, they don’t actually leave.

They hang around. They come around more than they ever did, especially toward the end. The end you saw coming from a thousand nautical miles away.

The end you anticipated with a mixture of dread and relief. A mixture whose percentages you’ll never actually reveal.

You just didn’t know how or when it was going to end.

You knew you’d be hurt and screwed seven ways to Sunday when it did finally come. (And you were sure proven right.)

Yet it still seemed a better, or at least a more-intriguing, option than having to pretend you didn’t notice that everything had changed anyway.

And maybe there’s some “better” to be found when the Everglades stop burning. But it isn’t over. Everything is on fire and they are waiting for a reaction out of you that you are never going to give.

Perhaps the more-appropriate lyric here comes from Phil Collins and Marylin Martin …

“You have no right
To ask me how I feel
You have no right
To speak to me so kind.”

Or not. I don’t think anyone wants to know how I feel right now. More like what do I know and when did I know it. And I’ve spent enough time playing Nancy Drew that I don’t have any more time to devote to anything other than catching up on gobs of lost time.

Just trying to “smile because it happened.” Maybe even laugh, even if it hurts.

An ‘I’m sorry’ is all I want to hear right now

April 20th, 2017, 6:30 AM by Goddess

Not interested in much else now that Annie is being returned to the orphanage. Really over all this shit right now. 

So that happened

April 14th, 2017, 8:32 AM by Goddess

The last time I had a boss leave, she was taken away by security. 

She’d just returned from lunch. The horrible woman in HR was there with a rent-a-cop. 

No one told me or my colleague Sheela. We just wondered what was going on and sat quietly in our cubes in those days before text and IM. 

The guard blocked Ann from going into her office. We couldn’t see or hear much but we could hear her begging to please just let her get her purse. 

As they escorted her out, she cried, “Sheela, get my purse!”

She knew better than to ask me. I’m no one’s keeper. And I wasn’t sorry to see her mostly-absent, disengaged, blathering ass go. 

Sheela was allowed to get the purse and nothing else. 

These days, I don’t keep personal things in my office for that reason. I don’t want to be tossed without my prized shit in-hand. 

And I notice when people do remove their prized shit. So when you get a “sudden” announcement, you have already practiced your surprised face for weeks in advance.

I’ve been worried for a while that something big was coming. And that this isn’t the last of it. 

Motherhood, sort of

March 24th, 2017, 8:43 AM by Goddess

I got a day off yesterday. I swear, someone should make a meme of that along the lines of the “I pooped today!” one.

Although I feel like I get more of the former than the latter. And I don’t get many of those either.

I got to thinking about when I started this job, how I knew all and did all and felt like a true source of expertise.

Not sure what has happened, but I was realizing yesterday as I was checking my phone because even though I told everyone I’d be out, no one listened, that I seem to have gone from leader to maternal figure. The meals get cooked. The litterbox gets scooped. There are paper towels and toilet paper and toilet bowl thingies. And worky things happen too that no one else has to worry about. But no one notices until momma is taking a day for herself, if even then.

Never once have I left a job where folks didn’t come back and say, “I had no idea you were doing that till it didn’t get done anymore.” I guess I always assume everyone heard me the first time when I said something. Of course, when cuts come around, that’s a dangerous assumption to make.