Caterwauling

Christmas at DCA

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

When I took the new job, I was a finalist for another job up near the Canadian border. Yeah … like I was gonna move THERE just in time for winter!

The job sounded lovely though, and I figured whomever got it would be happy there.

So I wrote to some old friends at stupid o’clock this morning because, hey, I was up and thinking about them. One wrote back to me to announce that he’s moving to the middle of the Arctic tundra TO TAKE THAT JOB.

Hah. He’s way more experienced/qualified than me. It might even be a step back for him, although this does show me that it probably pays exceptionally well. Damn it.

Anyway, I used to work with this guy, and I love him to absolute death. He said in his note to me that I’m one of the rare ones that you come across in life … that I’ve always been true to myself and to the people I’ve worked with/befriended.

That warmed my heart. And we’ll probably be able to work together, as we are in similar capacities in the same (oh-so-small) field.

One of his statements is my quote of the day, which is, “You know, you never really leave this racket; you just get new business cards.”

A-freakin’ men.

It’s been a very busy and challenging week at the new job. But I am really feeling like I won Monday, Tuesday AND Wednesday. My boss is awesome. My colleagues rock. And there’s a guy who makes it worthwhile to dress up every day, just in case we run into each other.

I’ve been pretty blessed — to say the least. I’ve traveled these roads with some awesome folks. And I’ve picked up one or two more on the new path whom I hope will be with me for the rest of the journey.

Now all I have to do is answer some e-mails from some of my beloveds from throughout the years, and I’d say I’m in the absolute perfect place right now.

My prayers are full of gratitude these days. As they always should have been, I suppose. But I recognize now more than ever that I have a LOT of props to send God’s way. I may not have everything I want, but He’s got my back and is good for the rest. I know that now.

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So I have a favorite dress. Never wore it before today. And now I have the (metaphorical) crap of today permeating the fabric.

Don’t you hate it when you ruin a perfectly good outfit with everything that went wrong while you were wearing it?

Well, off to make the (next batch of) donuts. In mah jammies, of course.

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Every day I say my little mantras as I drive to work. Thank you, God, for keeping me safe from these Floridian death angels on the road. Thank you, God, for giving me a job to go to. Thank you, God, for the good day I’m about to have or, at least, for the paycheck I’ll get either way.

I don’t have bad days, though. I have days that have parts I’d like to light on fire, but I don’t let one or two (or five) crazy things taint the day.

Today started off with me not really dressing up as I tend to. I felt really blah and I certainly look it. The one thing I asked God for today was, “I know I ask to run into a certain person. Today, I’d be really happy if we didn’t cross paths.”

And God laughed heartily.

I was feeling and looking like hell. And I was exhausted and couldn’t even talk. I explained, “No verbal ability at this hour!” and that was that. He showed me his venti Starbucks and nodded knowingly.

Then I made the mother of all boo-boos on a subject line that was only seen by about a quarter-million people. I let the right people know about it — I put a word in that didn’t belong; it was an easy fix on the Web site but DAMN this was an amateur mistake. GAH.

I’ve been trying to unload one of my freelance gigs. By rights I should unload both, but I feel very insecure right now and like knowing I have the ability to pay rent next month. But the third gig, I’ve been begging for them to replace me. It’s easy work and they pay well enough. But I realized that it’s not work that’s sharpening my skills at all. It’s not adding to my enjoyment of life or giving me a feeling of achievement. Ergo, in this case time is worth more than money.

They finally heeded my pleas to let me go … under the condition that I find my replacement. *headslam* Because I don’t have enough time to DO the work, I have to hire a replacement too?!?!

They love me. They really do. They tell me they can’t replace me, so the next-best thing is me naming a replacement. I don’t have people like that, falling all over me and telling me how fabulous I am. That’s because I’m not DOING anything fabulous. I get a panic attack when I take on an ounce more work — like, hey, I’m prone to fucking up right now … you sure you want to give me that, too?

I think about all of my friends with kids and wonder how they do it — how do you work all day, do other stuff at night, spend time with your family, lose sleep and then get up and do it all again? Toss in all the other worries (financial, vehicular, familial, etc. — and all at once, I might add) and how do you put in a productive eight hours at the place that pays you to be your best?

I can’t be the only one who’s this nuts, right? Other people have managed, yes? This too shall pass and wonderful things will happen when everything starts to “come together.” But how do you keep from falling apart, day after day, in the meantime?

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No molesting the wildlife

Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Honest to God, this is the sign right by where I park my car. I have since changed parking spots.

Let’s say you had a choice among three things to pick from. You are ALWAYS going to think you picked wrong, aren’t you? Even though everything in you told you what choice to make … whether it was gut or logic or convenience or whatever … you are always going to stop and say, “WTF?”

Yeah, cognitive dissonance is setting in.

It’s not that I dislike anyone or anything. Quite the contrary — I am always pleased that, wherever I go, there are some truly extraordinary people whom I never would have met otherwise who become a big part of my life.

It’s just …. I used to be THE BOSS, you know? And I took a step back, which means doing all that stuff I used to delegate. That’s been a rough transition. Like, who me? *looks around* Shit!

I did this once before … stepping back in order to springboard forward. And in the long run, it may be a wise move, as it was when I reached the top of my food chain that my head got cut off. Maybe not having my head sticking out of the cube farm isn’t a horrible thing.

I just hope it’s enough for me.

I have been resisting the urge to shine. Which probably means I’ll end up on the non-employment (because unemployment implies getting benefits, which I never have) line again.

A former friend once gave a brilliant reference about me to a potential job. That individual said that I’m one of those people who sort of slides into a role unnoticed. But then when you go to figure out who’s getting all this stuff done, you realize your company WILL NOT RUN without me in it.

And that’s kind of what I’ve been doing. Just, feeling my way and finding my place. Making friends with the people who will help me get that stuff done. You know, the usual.

But after years of working with superstars … people who trust me in ways frankly they just shouldn’t (but they’ve never regretted it) … it’s weird to be backing-and-filling. Like, it took me a few weeks, but I popped off yesterday in my head with a “Don’t you people know who I am?”

And I realized, nope — they don’t. Because my dumb ass hasn’t been tooting my horn or showing any inclination of wanting to shine like I used to.

Hrmph.

I need therapy. Retail or otherwise.

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If bad things happen in threes, consider the first job I got when I moved to Florida, then the second one, and then the last year spent freelancing. Ergo, my next employment endeavor should be paradise, yes?

I just got the plane ticket cancellation notification for the faraway prince. He’s none too happy. And I don’t blame him.

There was this new freelance gig that surfaced when I was at the nadir of my interviewing spree. And I told him upfront that I was on the job warpath. I also purposely dropped off the earth for long periods of time between e-mails — I didn’t want to say yes to him when I really wanted to say yes to anybody else.

And now he’s furious with me. Which was a bad bridge to burn. Not to mention the guy who put us in touch — I don’t ever want to disappoint him. Which I have. And that bothers me.

I hate that I go from feeling like I can conquer the world to feeling like I can’t make a decision to save my life. I don’t regret, per se, blowing off Freelance Guy. (I didn’t have a good feeling about working with him, and after having friends screw me over in Freelance Land, I don’t have a lot of faith that a perfect stranger would treat me any better.) But I feel like I could have handled it better.

The problem is that my field is so small, and my reputation is my everything, that I don’t want people out there thinking I suck.

I’ve spent the weekend with lots of friends, being stuffed full of good food and pumped up with stories of what makes me awesome to them (and what would make me awesome to the prince I’m about to wed tomorrow morning at 9 a.m.). And yet I still manage to reduce myself to the failure pile over someone I didn’t even feel the need to impress in the first place.

I need to snap out of this funk, and fast. Because life really isn’t all that bad. I was in line behind a guy at CVS who was trying (for like 10 minutes) to buy photos. The cashier was telling him that he only had $9 left in his account and the cost was $12.

I whispered to him that I wanted to pay for it, and he ran out of the store. Again, I don’t know if I did the right thing or, if I did, whether it was in the right way. But I realized that even though I’m “broke,” I’m ridiculously lucky to have more than $9 in my account.

I wish I didn’t feel so icky. I’ve made a lot of choices, good and bad, with the best information available at the time. I try to take into account my larger goals when dealing with the minutiae of the day. I guess I’ve just had so many questionable outcomes that I will never stop, well, questioning how I arrived at them.

But right now should be a time of hope. Tomorrow I’ll figure out whether I made the right move or not. Today I should be sitting on top of the world that nothing but possibilities lay before me.

Everything I’ve done (or haven’t done) has gotten me here. And what I do next remains to be seen. I just hope I can get over the heartache, doubt and exhaustion enough to do it well. …

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