What I almost did

July 28th, 2018, 1:13 PM by Goddess

Well I keep getting billed for this site. Might as well use it.

I think the last we all spoke was when I was between two job offers. I had taken a Faceypages poll amongst the non-tRump voters (because I only wanted folks whose judgment I trust) whether to stay or go.

Overwhelmingly, everyone said RUN LIKE YOUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.

One random voice I hadn’t even expected to pipe up said stay. I owe her a thank-you. BIG TIME.

I had presented all this to my boss at the time, for all of the five minutes that I reported to her before SHE left.

And she’s like, ya know. Maybe that lone voice has a point.

I woke up the day I was supposed to confirm I was leaving. I said OK, I’ll stay. I cried the WHOLE DAMN DAY.

But … the crying stopped. It really did turn out OK.

And even if it hadn’t, I’m still better off.

My second suitor just had a layoff.

Read: I would be OUT ON THE STREETS AGAIN had I gone there.

I would love to know whether he feels terrible that I would have given up what turned out to be a pretty great gig, only to be fookayayed up one side and down the other without a trace of lube in sight, had I accepted (and taken him up on) his offer.

This has messed me up seven ways to Sunday.

I mean, I am SO LUCKY and I know it. SO lucky.

But honestly, if not for my friend/neighbor-type Kim planting that wee seed of doubt, I would have frolicked right the fuck into a horrible situation.

And really, if not for my then-boss pounding my worth into their heads where I’m at, I wouldn’t have had the choice in the first place.

Thank God. Just, thank God and the angels and my spirit guides and my ancestors and whoever guided my hand when I sent the email where I said yes to the dress and no to the rest.

Girl power, man.

And Hillary voters.

We know what to do. 🙂

Being Milton

February 22nd, 2018, 6:17 AM by Goddess

When I was told in November that my job was eliminated, I joked that I’d still keep showing up to work — either at the current place or the company that was buying our assets — in hopes that eventually they’d start paying me.

Me and my little red stapler down in Storage Room B.

So it’s only fitting that I moved into a new office on Tuesday. An office that used to be our storage room.

It’s official. Forget being Viola. I am Milton Waddams.

To be fair, the office had already been cleared out a week earlier for the owner. It’s pretty nice, actually. Spacious and with a wall of windows.

He decided I should have it.

Yesterday he came looking for me. He was so pleased to see me in there. Said he loved how I arranged it. Said I deserved it.

He also thanked me for a project I rushed through earlier in the day. I said no problem; you made it easy. He said, well, you make everything easy.

It was a nice moment. And in that moment, I was happy I decided to stay.

Epilogue to the Major Life Decision

February 18th, 2018, 12:46 PM by Goddess

I’m done debating and going 10 rounds on my latest Major Life Decision. But I have one last thing to say on the topic …

When we sold my company to another company, they interviewed each of us and came up with a shortlist of who would be hired. Out of 50 people eligible, they only took five.

I learned this week that there was actually a sixth name on every iteration of that list.


I was wondering. I used to work there. My interviews went well. There was really no reason why they wouldn’t scoop me up. I knew which division I wanted to go to (back to D.C., if you can believe it) and there was really no reason why they didn’t make me a formal offer.

I figured it was because LVP was badmouthing me. But I got it on good authority that getting a good reference from that one might have been more harmful than a bad one.

Then it dawned on me that the other company’s rejection came at the same time I was invited to stay where I am.

Coincidence? Not a chance.

My boss had the power to set everyone’s start dates at the new gig. I’m sure he had the power to make sure I never got offered one at all.

Pretty tricky. I like it.

Look, I’ll never stop having a lot to say about all the decision-making I’ve felt the brunt of, this past year. But I am going to stop saying it, starting today. This is it.

Yesterday would have been my last day there. I consider Tuesday to be my start date. Which, technically, it is.

I wouldn’t say everything changes. But I’m officially a big boss now. And I have a whole lot of people looking toward me for inspiration. Not the least of which is the big boss himself.

There’s a rumor going around that I never had another opportunity — that this was all some sort of stunt. Whether it was on his part to sell me as a leader, or on my part to get power. No one knows. But they sure do like to talk.

My guess is the boss never believed I would walk. And maybe the others with an opinion are jealous. But as a fellow director said to me, thank God you stayed. You care. They figure only good can come from that.

Now I start my new career and life. I celebrated with a new iPhone for me and a new Samsung for Mom. And I’ll celebrate further by moving us away from the ignorant cunt upstairs. And, if I can hang around long enough, look out Paris — I’m coming for you.

I hope it will all be worth it. At the very least, I am finally at peace with it.

Junk in my trunk. And other basket case stuff

February 10th, 2018, 7:13 PM by Goddess

Ever since I gave my resignation, I have had a series of talks with the company owner.

Usually I’m just pleasant and agreeable. I raise the occasional objection and deal with it when he counters it. After all, that’s sort of what he does for a living — helps potential customers overcome their potential objections to spending money with us.

But these days, I am brutally honest. I have held exactly nothing back. I quit for many reasons. I was very happy to leave without explaining any of them. But he wants to know what’s broken … what got me to the point where I said “enough.”

He says he’s seen my value — he hopes not too late. And he can’t fix the past but he can make the present and future right.

I don’t know what I believe at this point. I believe he wants to pay me what I’m worth and I believe I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.

But this is the girl who literally has a coffee cup and a box of Tampax at her desk … and nothing else.

All my office supplies are in my trunk. I need scissors? To the parking lot. Done with that tape? Back to the vehicle. I don’t take lunches. Walking to the car is my therapy.

Look, I told him. I’m scarred. A basket case. It’s been a tremendously bad year.

He wants to understand. I tell him everything. Most people, after hearing it, had NO IDEA.

To sum up 2017, just with a 30,000-foot employment overview:

January-March — Still smarting from the rigged election. Hating the Trumpian boss (boastful, bullying, inflated sense of importance and rightness) for always treating me like garbage. Job-hunting. And noticing he was even more absent than usual. Like, office-cleaned-out absent after not exactly showing up for our daily 10:30 “ediotrial” (gaaah) meetings but always showing up for his daily 8:30 “monring” call (gaaahhhhh) brag/lie sessions. Like, I came to find out now that included lying about how well we were doing financially. Meanwhile, the cash cow in the main company died unexpectedly, so the worrying about the finances began in earnest.

April-June — Rejoicing that the boss officially quit instead of just claiming he had to stay home because of “contractors” on his brand-new, custom-built house anyway. (Maybe hoping to catch the wife in a nap to retrieve his balls from her purse.) Then dying a thousand deaths as the company imploded our beloved department and shuttered our satellite office. My commute increased fivefold and so did my frustration. I got a job offer paying more, but the guy was even crazier than the crazy I had just started getting acclimated to. So, Stockholm syndrome kicked in and I stayed.

July-October — My patience was rewarded quickly as my useless new boss (even worse than the last) who made $50K more than me and who worked about 11 minutes a day got tossed. Fucker wouldn’t do ANYTHING other than take hour-and-20-minute lunches. I got promoted. And got only $5k more. (Don’t get me started on the worse discrepancy from the department before that.) Then most of my new staff got laid off, one by one. My new publisher had the same taste for blood as the one I worked for at the company that booted me in 2010. Luckily, I was safe. For now.

November-January — I celebrated my anniversary Nov. 7. Nov. 8, I was told I’d be laid off on Nov. 30. Landlord tried to evict me and changed his mind. Car crapped out on 95 on top of it all. What a week! Applied for a bunch of jobs, even tried groveling at the place I shot down in the summer. (Hah.) Then I was invited to stay till Dec. 29. Then that turned into Jan. 5. Then Feb. 1. Then “Hey you know what? Don’t leave. Like, ever. But we gave your title away to someone who makes more than your old boss and who works even less. So just keep doing ALL THE WORK and oh hey BY THE WAY, we are destroying our old systems and you have to learn all new ones. Oh and all the old shit is going to break and drive you to the point of insanity. But we’re moving too far ahead, too fast, to fix it. Oh and hey THE WEBSITE IS GONNA GET HACKED TOO but no one will involve you pre-launch so of course you won’t be able to prevent it because nobody ASKS you what the risks (LIKE THAT) are. Oh and yeah we’re not even going to try to pretend your replacement can find his ass with both hands; just keep being his secretary. OH and WHY AREN’T YOU DOING THAT NEW JOB WE INVITED YOU TO STAY TO DO, TOO?!

February — I finally get brave enough to let everyone know that I accepted another job on Jan. 19. Owner finally has his “oh shit” moment. Realizes how much I have been doing not just the last two months, but the last six years. Everyone’s guard is down and they say well we know you loved your old boss and I’m like well, not quite. And they are like damn, how classy were you not to tell us the truth like how much you did to keep it afloat. So, hey, stay and do the same here? Small raise good? I’m like PASS because fair market rate is THIS. They’re like cool. Oh hey you can have that and more staff, sound good? And I go into INSANE INNER TURMOIL because I have a great offer I accepted but DAMN the number I always wanted is now MINE ALL MINE IF I REJECT THE JOB I HAVE BEEN PREPARING TO TAKE. Christ fucking kill me how much alcohol can a girl drink to cope?

I mean it’s good to be me. It’s fucking GREAT to be me. I just know that if I leave, I will be like well this is nice but I AM STILL BROKE. And if I stay it will be like JESUS CHRIST I AM KEEPING MY SHIT IN MY TRUNK BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE ARE STILL CRAY AND ALL MY FRIENDS QUIT AND ALL MY RAISE GOES TO TOTAL WINE GAAAHHH FUCK THIS SHIT.

Honestly I wouldn’t even be so torn if not for all the gossip I’ve gotten about LVP. Karma is only a bitch if you are, is all we’re sayin’.

Anyway, when I was little, my grandmother told me it’s just as easy to marry a rich man as it is a poor boy. Pick the rich man.

And after I told the owner that my biggest career regret was leaving Ye Olde Employment Establishment, he said, “I’m trying to prevent you from making that mistake again,’ I wonder — is this divine intervention, or is the universe fucking with me?

I mean, if I get wiped off the planet because dipshit in the Oval Office pisses off the North Korean nutcake, where would I rather be working? Would I rather be happy or have my bills paid? Or would I be happy at either? Or both?

I know I’m lucky. And this is my last day/weekend of being so fortunate to be loved and wanted. Monday, I’ll be a basket case (even more so) and furious at whomever I DID end up picking.

I mean, I already picked. “Should I stay or should I go?” was resolved Jan. 19 when I officially said OMG GO, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST.

But doing otherwise would be selling my soul. Telling the Carpathia, “Nope, just gonna hang onto Jack here in the ocean. Thanks for offering me a lift!”

My smart HR-type friend who is fresh out of fucks told me to turn off my phone. Silence the well-meaning friends and also those who don’t want me to do better. And drink a full bottle of wine. If the answer doesn’t appear to me after that, drink another.

God I love this woman.

I’m already done with one bottle. Go, go, go — my mind tells me.

My bank account says, “Fuck it. Stay and save up. Even if you get tossed, you’ll have a bigger slush fund.”

My heart says, “You do love you some drama. New guy? None. You’ll love it and be productive and get done at 3:30 every Friday and have time to spend with your momma.”

My brain says, “You stay and your ass is on fire three out of five days. Your inbox will have 47 new messages every morning with brand-new on-fire projects that you will be expected to execute THAT DAY oh and hey, your Fridays will continue to be fucked FOR LIFE.”

My bank account says, “Christ, isn’t it that way already? TAKE THE DEAL.”

My soul says, “You saw your new, clean, cute office today. Your heart jumped when you thought, this is where I should be on March 1. This is where I PROMISED to be March 1. OMG WILL I BE HERE MARCH 1 BECAUSE I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT HERE AND CAN’T WAIT TO UNLOAD MY TRUNK HERE.”

Will I ever unload my trunk or will I always be ready to quit or be fired? “Volunteered or volun-told,” my dear friend always says. At this joint, your resignation is either/or. Right now, it’s volunteered. In three months when they find someone else cheaper with far less to complain about, I could be volun-told to leave.

Or I might inherit the whole damn empire when the guy retires next year.


Feb. 5, the perfect date

February 5th, 2018, 12:00 PM by Goddess

People are dropping like flies around these parts. Half are out with the killer flu. The other half are heading for the hills.

You already know they showed my friend the door. This was expected, yet still abrupt.

(If I hadn’t been offered permanent residency at this Las Vegas show, I would have already been gone.)

We also had a not terribly surprising departure on Friday, as Can-Can cha-cha’ed out.

Then we got the resignation I’ve been waiting for on my Company Bingo card. (Yes, I have a Trump Bingo card with his Swamp Cabinet, and I have one for my company too. And we sit on an ACTUAL swamp with creatures less dangerous than Orange Shitgibbon’s cronies.)

But that wasn’t all. ANOTHER dear friend got to have her own “Half Baked” moment.

Everyone else is rearranging their own bingo cards. And these betting folks have a new odds-on favorite to leave.

My money is on the overworked programmer/designer. Their money is on the overworked editor/marketer …

My neighbor (the one who was told his daughter doesn’t attend a real school) came over and said, “Are you next?”

I put up my hands and said, “I plead the Fifth.”

He said, “You’re leaving February fifth?”

I looked at him wide-eyed. For longer than I should have.

Because, well, Feb. 5 would be a great day to resign.

The perfect day, really …

Edited to add: I QUIT on Feb. 5.