Well that was short-lived

May 23rd, 2017, 11:51 AM by Goddess

Not the best day ever today. 

I’ve taken more Advil in three weeks than I did in the past three years combined. 

Time to buy stock in Pfizer. 



The last of the mohicans

May 21st, 2017, 6:20 AM by Goddess

The body count keeps rising.

A
B
C
D
G
JB
JC
JW
MC
MS
N
SB
SG

Honorary mention would be P. P and the second S and I were the Three Mouseketeers.

Funny how you always knew this was how it would turn out.



‘If you’re not one of Goddess’ boys, what are you, really?’

May 19th, 2017, 8:17 PM by Goddess

“You should ask X for (thing I really need from them),” they tell me.

I say I’m still mad. Not necessarily at X. Well, not entirely at X. But when one person’s decision ignites YOUR world on fire, yeah. Need a little more mad time, thanks.

“You NEED to ask,” they text back.

I say look. I’m grateful for all the good. There was a whole lot of it. And I think I cherished it all. Maybe not as much, toward the end. But I still knew the risks of leaving first. And those helped me stay.

“They owe you, Goddess,” they say. “Your life was dedicated to them. Your heart, soul health was invested. They know that. Don’t let it all be for nothing. It was bigger than all of you before it was a pile of dust.”

I think about it. And the revelation appears out of nowhere.

He didn’t want to be one of “my boys.” And I don’t know how to compute that.

They aren’t all “my boys,” you know. Sure, I give them every opportunity. Most of them realize a Goddess-less life isn’t worth living. And a Goddess-blessed one is filled with a whole lot more joy than the alternative.

One of my boys typed to another the other day, “If you’re not one of Goddess’ boys, what are you, really?”

I was cc’d. And so very pleased.

I think I always felt second/third/whatever fiddle. No matter how much I gave or tried or hurt or stressed or worried. Maybe I wasn’t so far down the food chain. I don’t know. Perhaps I needed more validation than I got. Or perhaps my apparent lack of needing any was off-putting.

In any event. I do feel owed. You go all-in and you are standing there alone half the time. Not bond-building. You memorize every detail of their life, and they probably still don’t know your cocktail of choice that you never ever deviate from.

It’s OK. It’s always OK. You’re always OK, even when you’re not.

I’m not a fan of this “Smile because it happened” shit. I will damn well cry because it’s over until I die.

But I’m getting better. It’s just not happening on any timetable that anyone would deem quick. And I may never get what it is I need/deserve. Not from this person. Maybe not from anyone.

But there is always the hope.



Curious

May 19th, 2017, 7:57 PM by Goddess

Folks ask my friends how I’m doing. What I’m feeling. If I’m plotting.

No one has asked ME, mind you.

What’s funny is that I catch the main asker whispering. A lot. And the conversation always stops when I walk in/past. Either it’s about me (doubtful — I don’t give people much to talk about) or problems/insecurities you don’t want confident, happy, secure Goddesses to overhear.

Maybe folks shouldn’t ask if they don’t want me inquiring right on back.



Morning mantra

May 18th, 2017, 7:52 AM by Goddess

At least I’m not a fighter for ISIL. 

At least I’m not in a sex-trafficking ring.  

At least I’m not living in a hollowed-out hospital in Aleppo. 

At least I don’t have Sean Spicer’s job.

At least I have a home. Even though the assholes upstairs go on benders every night and smash up the place and I drive as tired as can be every morning.  

That’s how I get through the day now.