I Crap In a Box

How we awaken our humans

2007-10-21T16:38:00.000-04:00

Bwahahahahaaaaaaa ...

New toy!

2007-07-08T18:17:00.000-04:00

Oh hai

2007-06-23T09:11:00.001-04:00

Watching you
Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn

Iz Caturday! Kadie sez letz nap the dayz away. ...

4

2007-06-06T07:37:00.000-04:00

Has it been two months already since I posted? Sheesh. Crazy-ass summer. We moved into a bigger apartment in Washington, D.C., and I have been very busy pooping absolutely everywhere to make the place my own. It's been tough coming up with enough shit to smear across nearly 1,100 square feet, but I've been working very hard at my goal and I am very proud of myself.

I just wanted to pop in today to wish my lil sister Kadie a happy fourth birthday! Actually, I really want to kick her in the ass but I'll try to be the better cat today. ;) Mommy just picked her up and hugged her and sang to her, so that's probably the extent of the celebration. Although, Mommy did bring home a bag of treats last night, and I wondered what the occasion was, since we don't get treats very often. (Because we're bad -- we know it!)

So today, while Mommy celebrates the devil child (Born June (6) sixth (6) at 6 p.m.(6)!) I will simply celebrate it as a treat day. Whee!

It's my party, and I'll crap where I want to

2007-04-02T06:57:00.000-04:00

It's my birthday! Eleven years on this earth. Sheesh. Mommy's been dealing with my shitting, pissing and vomiting all over her world for almost that long and, for today only, I will admit she deserves a medal for it. ;)

Today I got to drink from the sink and I got Fancy Feast for breakfast -- she even brought my bowl to the sink so I could drink, eat and take a nap all in the same spot! Mommy had to put a moratorium on toy-buying, as we're moving in a few weeks and she's already got enough shit to pack. She's been like dinner and a show around here lately, 'cause she's always slipping and fallin' on her ass, whether it's tripping over boxes, slipping over piles of papers that Kadie messed up and spread across the floor, or stepping in my pooh landmines and practically hitting the roof while she's yelling at me. It's fun being me -- just as long as she doesn't fall on me.

My grandma came down to see me for my birthday. She brought her boyfriend and they went out to dinner with Mommy. Um, the hell? It's MY birthday, bitches! Why didn't I get to go out for a good dinner? You think this canned shit you feed me is upscale livin'? Assholes!!!

UPDATE

I just barfed up my birthday breakfast. It's all brown and watery, from all the water I gorged myself on. I threw up from the kitchen to the living room -- all on the carpet, of course. We ain't NEVER gettin' this security deposit back!!!

Fudgalicious

2007-03-27T08:33:00.001-04:00

My food, bitches
Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

F to the U to the D to the G to the E, damn it!

I have officially shit on every square inch of space in our apartment, so now that it's time to move, I feel complete!

I think Mommy's just jealous that I am so full of fiber that I can void my bowels up to twice a day, wherever I see fit. Every day is like Easter in our house -- Mommy wakes up, smells my freshly-laid pooh egg, and has to find it -- before she has coffee! Oh, wild times here at Pooh Corner, I tell you!

I know I should watch myself, lest she go to the pet store and start buying that rat-poison-laden food that everyone else is returning. But hey, if it makes me crap even more, all the better! :)

Shit streak

2007-03-02T08:23:00.000-05:00

I know, I normally brag about all the shit streaks I leave on the carpet, but this week? I'm on a shit streak -- literally!

Three nights ago, I crapped in Mommy's shoes. Two nights ago, I crapped all over her important paperwork. And last night, I took a big, wet, sloppy, watery shit in the pants she wore to work yesterday. I'm on a roll!!!

Wonder where I can shit tonight?!?!

Madden by Maddie

2007-02-28T07:59:00.000-05:00

Mommy hasn't tidied up our trio of litterboxes in DAYS, so I decided to shit in her shoes and wipe my ass on her apartment-hunting paperwork.

I shit so much, she had to throw away her new, cloth Steve Madden shoes. She was torn about keeping them because she doesn't like to spend that kind of money on stuff but she indulged herself for giggles. But she should know that with giggles come shits (i.e., when it comes to "shits and giggles," I do one and she's NOT doing the other!).

So, she's definitely not keeping the shoes (they're in the garbage now!), but she can't get her money back unless she can prove that the wet, steamy poop came with them.

Do I care? Not so much -- she just cleaned the litterbox, so mission accomplished!

I'm in ur hamper, shit-streaking your skivvies

2007-02-10T19:08:00.000-05:00

Mommy has seen every freaking apartment available in the Apartment Guide, and she finally decided on one today. But she lied about my ass -- I don't exist, in her world. And she notices how all these rental companies ask her twice about having pets -- once on the phone, and again in person. Even when she shows up, they say, "You said you're bringing a pet, right?" She blinks and answers blankly, "No." Hah -- smart girl!

But she came home and told me that the place she's looking at has brand-new everything, including carpet. Which means I'm getting a nice kitty prozac prescription before we go. Whee. Apparently my shit fetish isn't uncommon and now I will have to be on antidepressants so I will not feel the need to shit everywhere anymore.

Silly Mommy, there ain't a drug on this planet that will cure me of big, fat wet dingleberries like the one you picked out of my butt tonight when I tried to jump on your head and you nearly committed suicide from the stench. If I am not emanating an aroma of ass juice, how will you know it's me sittin' on your head?

Crappy New Year

2007-01-11T09:19:00.000-05:00

Mommy has been out of town a lot these past few months and the ho turns off the computer when she goes, so there went all my prime blogging time. So, let me just wish you a happy new year, and in my house, it's a crappy new year, because the bitch is never home to scoop the fucking litterboxes!

My grandpa died on Thanksgiving, and Mommy's been spending a lot of time with Grandma, who's coming to live with us. We're going to be moving soon, just within D.C. and not back up to Pittsburgh. I hate moving and I hate it that Grandma sneezes every time she looks at me, but Grandma likes to cook and clean and I'm thinking that maybe my litterbox won't be so foul anymore. Grandma is also threatening to put Kadie and me in diapers, and she says she's cutting out holes for our tails so she doesn't have to see our patented Shit Landmines all over the floor when Mommy pulls her usual 12-hour shifts at her job.

It's been a sad few months here, but I think it'll be good for Mommy to have Grandma with us, and Grandma needs us right now, so I promised Mommy that I will try to be very good for her and make her feel welcome. And we're trying to ask Kadie not to jump on Grandma's head while she sleeps like she does with Mommy. Personally, I'm hoping we can get an extra bedroom for Kadie and me, but as always, Mommy says I have to get a job because she can't support all four of us.

She almost didn't have a job -- she has a stalker who tried to get her fired, and I hope he burns in hell because she's the only one with an income and we'd all be out on the streets if her job wasn't so nice and good to her. In fact, they gave her a promotion after Stupidhead did his thing because they realized how smart she is and how much of an asset she is to the company. Thank God for the good guys winning for a change!

It's weird for Mommy, because she thought that by now, she'd be married and have non-furchildren, but instead she's got two furballs and a parent to care for now. She doesn't need to worry -- we'll all be very good and not eat too much. ;)

I'm also very sad that I didn't get to see my Grampy one more time, because he loved us very much and always asked Mommy how we were doing and told her to give us kisses from him. When he died, Mommy told us to be very good and to sit very still when he came by to pet us one last time, because he wasn't going to leave without telling us he loved us.

So, life's a little bit different over here at the litterbox. Thank you for coming back to see how I am --- I'm a sad little puss right now, but I'm happy that our little family (what's left of it) will be together again. I'll even share my litterbox with Grandma so Mommy can get ready in the mornings in peace!

Princess and the Pee

2006-11-14T08:40:00.000-05:00

Mommy goes out of town a lot, so in addition to the master litterbox that's hidden in the pantry, she likes to buy those flimsy disposable litterboxes so that she can bag it and toss it when she comes home. I am a plus-sized puss but I do so adore the tiny toilets because if I miss, she can't bitch at me too much.

So today, she was very mad at me because she'd bought two of the disposable litterboxes but had left them on the floor, unopened. As you probably know, there's a thin layer of litter in each, covered by a label that you have to take off so that we can get to the litter.

Well, as Mommy didn't want us to use the boxes till she leaves later this week, she didn't open them. But I wanted to feel like Princess and the ~~Pee~~ Pea, as the boxes were stacked, and I went ahead and pissed all over the box anyway. She just went to clean up a suspicious poop stain in the rug when she saw that the litterbox was soaking wet. Heh -- I was so excited that she's going away, I couldn't contain myself!!

To eat, perchance to poop

2006-10-11T08:40:00.000-04:00

Everyone keeps telling Mommy to take me to the vet because I insist on crapping on a special spot on the living room rug every two days. Whether the box is clean or not, I default to my favorite spot, and everyone seems to think it's a medical condition.

Look, under Cat Law, I am expected to:

1. Sleep as much as possible
2. Shed, preferably onto Mommy's dark work clothes
3. Eat everything put before me
4. Poop, bountifully and plentifully
5. Wipe my ass on the floors, walls and other stationery objects so that I do not have dingleberries hanging from my long fur.

How can you punish/heal a cat for doing what the Kitty Gods have put her on this earth to do?!?!

Mommy's so fed up, she's decided SHE is just going to crap on the floor too because the house already smells like my ass. Hey, that's MY job!!! Shit, if she's gonna be wiping her ass on the floor too, I might as well just use the litterbox just to be a rebel!

No poos on the carpet?

2006-09-24T12:43:00.000-04:00

Mommy has a strict no-shoes-in-the-house policy, but today she realized how stupid and worthless it is when I shit on the carpet every other day and wipe my ass on it twice a day. Really, what's worse? She might as well just track mud through the house so I can stop getting all the blame for making the carpet look like that!

Ingenious!

2006-09-09T11:43:00.000-04:00

I found something nifty for us kitties who want to drink from our faucets but our Mommies are too fucking lazy to get up offa their butts and turn them on for us -- the Touch-Free Faucet Adapter at ThinkGeek.com is neat! That means we could just waddle up to our basins and use our kitty mind control to turn on the water when we want it!!! Oh, it is so sweet.

I mentioned it to Mommy and she told me that as soon as I earn the $60 that it costs, she'll gladly pay shipping. She also said to help Satan lace up his ice skates while I'm at it. Selfish whore!!!

That's no way to get yourself adopted!

2006-09-04T19:19:00.000-04:00

swat

2006-08-14T22:22:00.000-04:00

Do not mess with a hungry cat.

(It's a Windows Media file, which Mommy refuses to install on our Mac (so I can't test this link), so I hope you can view it! Fucking Micro$haft, may it never pollute our computers!)

Licky licky

2006-08-13T16:25:00.000-04:00

Licky licky
Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

That's all I gotta say. Mommy caught me in mid-cleaning and now it's preserved for posterity. I wish I'd instead been dining on something succulent, but please. ;)

We miss you, Guinness

2006-08-01T18:43:00.000-04:00

Guinness!
Originally uploaded by tjbax.

Cousin Guinness went on a six-week adventure around his neighborhood, only to turn up just a week ago after worrying his parents a lot. He's our resident adventure kitty, but the outdoors was hard even on this strongest of sturdy furchildren, and his nine lives ran out at the tender age of 2 today.

Auntie Tiff is right -- he is a stupendous badass. I forgave him for looking a lot like my sister Kadi, because otherwise he was one bitchin' tomcat. Just like my Unca Tom, his daddy. ;)

For those of you who've been around awhile, here's my cousin's webpage, but even he got too cool to blog, because there were four-legged critters to be chased and two-legged creatures to be showered with love.

It was always his dream to take over the world and form an army of four-pawed wonders to turn every biped on earth into a personal servant. Guinness, your dream lives on in all of us, and we shall honor your memory, one victory at a time,

I hope the cloud you're lounging on contains an endless supply of treats, and may you always be lying in a beam of sunlight. We know you wouldn't have it any other way.

Cat-ASS-trophe

2006-07-23T23:20:00.000-04:00

Mommy locks Kadi and me out of her bedroom at nights now. I get mad because I love to sleep in the bed with her, but Kadi meows constantly and keeps us awake at all hours. Mommy tried just throwing Kadi out and keeping me, but I am an old cat and even though I don't always hit the litterbox, I like to be somewhat near it. I actually scratch to get OUT when I'm trapped with her, but when I come to my senses, I'm screwed.

Anyway, the other night, Kadi and I were mad that we'd been exiled -- madder than usual, I might add. Normally we throw ourselves against the door and piss and moan, but always to no avail. So I got Mommy good. I crapped right in the middle of the living room carpet. I was sort of nice, though, as I left a wet, steaming mess on an empty Kohl's bag, but I dragged my butt in a circle around it.

Kind of like pirates use an "X" to mark the spot of their buried treasure -- but when I leave MY booty behind, it's always in plain sight! And my booty also has rugburn. And dingleberries. Sweet, sweet dingleberries that I then leave on Mommy's pale-beige comforter cover after she leaves for work 'cause that's the only time I get unrestricted access to the bed!

Splash!

2006-07-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

Mommy was sitting on the floor last night, drinking fruit punch from a water bottle. Kadi wasn't thinking (as usual!) and while Mommy had the bottle to her lips, Kadi bum-rushed her and knocked her in the elbow (of the hand holding the drink).

What a mess! Fruit punch flew up Mommy's nose and all over her face and clothes. Fun! In a remarkable show of restraint, Mommy got up and cleaned the red mess off herself without a word, just grateful the carpet hadn't gotten christened. I was hoping Kadi would get yelled at (as I had just gotten yelled at for leaving a big ol' shit streak on the pretty carpet), but damn, nothin'!

More miracle kitty goodness

2006-07-09T09:35:00.000-04:00

Via Unca Neil, a story about a kitty who fell asleep in a wood chipper and went through it and somehow survived. Yikes!

Although it's proof positive that a cat nap can occur absolutely anywhere, it's also a wakeup call for humans that there are lots of pets out there who need a safe home where they can curl up any old time and not be in danger. My well-fed ass probably wouldn't have fit through the machine, but hungry lil cats wouldn't be so lucky!

Two-tail salute!

2006-06-28T19:45:00.000-04:00

Malcolm stopped by to let us know the story of a baby kitty who got broken crossing a street. She's got lots of boo-boos and she didn't have a house, but he's sharing his with her so that she can get better and someday come to rule the roost like all of us four-pawed wonders do.

Click here to read Part 1 of the wee one's rescue. Part 2 of the brave bionic kitty's journey is here.

And when you're caught up, you can vote to name the new baby here. And if you can be so kind as to donate some treats to help the new kid on the block in her healing, I know her daddy would really appreciate it!

We cats collectively salute our human staff, as many of you took us in under duress or because we were going to be litterbox-less if you didn't. I know Mommy never wanted pets, but she took in Kadi and me because we needed love and a safe, permanent home, and we didn't even have the special medical needs that "No Name Yet" currently has. So, to Malcolm, Kadi and I are giving you the two-tail salute, and we hope our fellow four-pawed, furry friends will join us in wishing him and the new munchkin a long and healthy friendship together!

Mirror Mirror

2006-06-24T13:08:00.000-04:00

Mirror Mirror
Originally uploaded by dcwriterdawn.

Mirror mirror, on the wall, who's the cutest puss-cat of them all?

You're damn right -- it's me!!!

Whoops

2006-06-22T22:30:00.000-04:00

Mommy was washing some pantyhose in the bathroom sink from which I long to drink. They were soaking in soapy water, and she had left the room for awhile.

I thumped up to the counter to wait for her to turn on the faucet for me, when lo and behold I saw it plugged full of water! I was overjoyed. I might have even danced. But I definitely flicked my tail.

Aaaand, that's where our story begins.

Mommy had just opened a brand-new box of Tampax and left it on the counter. But I? knocked it over ... into the sink full of wet pantyhose!

I tried to run, but Mommy caught me wet-pawed as I dived into the kitchen like I'd been there all along. Hoo boy is she a crankier bitch than usual with no dry/usable tampons. Hee hee -- if Maddie ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Fellow bread loaf

2006-06-19T20:22:00.000-04:00

Carpet Barging
Originally uploaded by kukkamaria.

I saw this photo of Empress Kukka, and I loved it. I sit like that all the time too, especially if I've just taken a wet shit and I can lie on Mommy's clean laundry that she's folded but never put away 'cause she's lazy.

Anyway, my fur is so long that it stands up on end at my hind legs. Mommy always calls me "Flock o'Seagulls Ass" because my butt looks like a bad '80s hairstyle, flat in the middle and spiked at the sides. Asshole! Mommy's ass looks like a friggin' bouffant, if we're gonna compare!!!